Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

Sounds like a way to slowly manipulate a less strong person into being very dependent on her, as well as isolated from their friends in the long term. Classic manoeuvres and would be a huge red flag.

OP, you have to end this is. I’m certain, with a bit of distance and reflection, you’ll realise you’re not in love with her.

Exactly, this is a truth that is very poorly understood. I read in a study recently that when asked anonymously more men reported violence against them by female partners than the other way round. The difference is it's just not talked about. Growing up, one of my best friend's mum used to beat up her husband frequently. He was living in fear.
I also know a couple of lesbian couples where one partner has physically abused the other (quite severely).
Children are more likely to be abused by their mothers than fathers.
Women are capable of violence and controlling behaviour.

That would absolutely have me run away very fast. I can’t bear overbearing people.

It all sounds very unhealthy OP, sorry, in just the ways PPs have described. Don't feel silly, intelligent people get drawn into this sort of thing just like anyone. It's not easy to spot this sort of manipulation if you yourself are a kind and loving person.

This might be off the wall, but another thing to consider is how useful she actually is in your life. What does she bring to the table financially, emotionally, etc? How much support do you really have from her - I mean the kind of support that actually makes you feel supported, not the fake kind that drains you (e.g. "here, let me wipe your arse")?

Real support is knowing when to be absent, as well as present.

I'm only mentioning this because in my experience, sometimes utterly useless people who are totally selfish manage to make a smokescreen for themselves by presenting themselves as indispensable. The sooner you start believing you're a fragile little princess who needs her around to look after you, the better as far as she's concerned.

It seems to be like this 'love language' stuff is just another way of manipulating people. If you don't like something, it's "Oh but that's my love language!!!" and you're expected to just put up with it?

So your gf's method of getting a reaction is by trying to evoke pity in you for her? The photos of her crying are really out of order.

And you shouldn't feel guilty about not seeing her every day.

This is really unhealthy.

This was all following her going missing for 2 weeks and essentially cheated on me with her physically abusive ex. As far as I was concerned, she was at breaking point through trauma and needed an outlet, pushed me away because I cared for her and she wasn’t used to it.

I can't say that would have been my reaction to someone going AWOL and then cheating on me with someone she'd told me she hated (presumably). My reaction would have been to have not had anything further to do with her.

Just wondering, do you think your reaction would have been different if you were in a heterosexual relationship? It sounds as though you've been swamped in #bekind and you're now choking on it.

I hope someone comes along with good advice on how to extricate yourself asap. This is incredibly messed-up for a relationship that is only 1-year long. Thank goodness you didn’t introduce her to your kids!

She needs a shit-ton more therapy and you will need to go NC pretty fast and completely block her to avoid seeing the probable threats of self-harm/suicide. I imagine you might need to warn her family if you know them as it will need to be their responsibility to watch out for her and get her the help she needs.

I hope you don’t mind me saying I think you might possibly need therapy yourself so you can work out how to avoid ending up in a similar situation ever again. You must be so shocked at where you’ve “suddenly” found yourself. Wishing you all the best x

Sulky, controlling behaviour that is starting to make you feel panicky about her reaction. You’ve lost your sense of self. Re-read that til it sinks in. You need to get out.

Think about a clean way to break it off. She will want explanation, closure and any belongings you have of hers as an excuse to see you. If you can’t just call/message her and break it off then do something that will upset her (like say you’ve booked the holiday with your friends) and use her reaction as a way to tell her you’re not happy with this level of intensity and you want to break up.

The comment you made about her being on the spectrum cause she watches your reaction when watching a film and she isn't aware of how loud she is - I do these things and I was diagnosed with moderate ADHD. Lots of autistic and adhd traits cross over as very similar things so it most likely is her adhd that is causing some of these "issues". But I don't know her fully so maybe she is autistic. That comment just reached out to me personally haha.

It sounds like she's developed a lot of insecurities from her past relationships and maybe just generally in herself. You said she's had some abuse and people probably not understanding her or maybe even cheating on her? She is trying to please you in every way so you stay, so she had stability in her life and so she knows you will be there for her.

Why does your friend not like her? This might be useful for us to see the overall situation. As you say, you're starting to go off her a bit so you're pointing out the negatives now whereas when you were feeling okay about the relationship you let these little annoyances slide. Clearly something has shifted within yourself.

She sounds caring and lovely but absolutely overbearing. Tbh I'd personally love it if my partner fussed me like that haha, some people do love to be cared for in such a way. But I do agree that it sounds like she is mothering you. Maybe there is a strong reason for that.

It sounds like you have enjoyed the honeymoon phase but now reality is setting in you're having second thoughts and are pinpointing every quirk she has, when people do that (as many of us could find something in our relationships that could validate leaving) it means times up, you want out.

I felt claustrophobic about a quarter of the way through your post. I genuinely could not cope with that amount of being fussed over.

This was all following her going missing for 2 weeks and essentially cheated on me with her physically abusive ex. As far as I was concerned, she was at breaking point through trauma and needed an outlet, pushed me away because I cared for her and she wasn’t used to it.

Fucking hell OP, you apparently have your own issues you need to work on. Why do you think you would be better than a professional helping a person at breaking point? Do you have a saviour complex? It sounds like you both have bad (red flag) issues and you definitely shouldn't be together. Get therapy to work on your boundaries, your self esteem, and why you feel the need to fix others. Walk away, you are harming each other.

Regardless of whether it's controlling or not, it sounds like it's really annoying you which is reason enough to break up. There's no point being with someone who is driving you mad with all their little behaviours! (Lots of this would also really wind me up too - I'm sure there are some people who would like it - but I'm not one of them and neither are you and that's what really matters)

It sounds like my old boss (minus the tactile stuff!). It was suffocating especially as she got hurt if I didn’t show enough gratitude. It was so wonderful breaking free of her when I moved jobs.

Sounds a little much but perhaps her love language is acts of service and this is how she shows her affection naturally. What's your love language? Perhaps you need an open conversation about how you feel, and how you'd like to receive love?

The photos or videos of herself crying would have been enough for me. That is incredibly manipulative.

You sound brilliant and you deserve someone who brings out the best in you, not someone who's trying to restrict you in every possible way.

I think there’s a mix of potential red flags & normal (for some people) behaviour here, and probably also an element of you getting the ick/going off the person anyway making you see things differently.

Some of the things you mentioned I think are probably just ways she expresses her love, for example carrying your bags, making sure you are warm enough, checking that you have eaten, it’s acts of service and for some people that would be perfect. My husband is a bit like that, he loves to take care of me and I love that! Equally the physical touch/holding hands etc, for some people that’s their way of showing love, I wouldn’t say that’s a red flag but it just may not be for you and that’s totally fine! These things in and of themselves I don’t think are red flags however if you have told her you don’t like these things and she continues to do them then that would be the concern for me- you decide and communicate your own boundaries and if she is crossing them then that is not okay.

There are however things here that are red flags in my opinion- the issues with your friends for example. It may be time to have a proper think about what it is you want and if this person is who you want it with x

this made my skin crawl. I can't think of anything worse than this. Maybe some people like it, but it's clear you dont!

Get out, get out now...

It doesn't matter wether she is intentionally manipulating or controlling you or if this is some unintentional side effect of her own poor mental health.

She is controlling you.
She isn't respecting your boundaries.
She is very clearly not in the right place to be in a serious relationship.

It is not your job or responsibility to 'fix' her, thats for her to do, and she'll actually stand a better shot of doing that without being in a relationship.

I think the filming of herself crying would have done it for me. Who the hell does that?
Not wishing to sound cruel but I think I would struggle not to start laughing if someone sent me that

Doesnt matter how strong and capable you are, in fact after dealing with my exH I think these people get a kick out of nibbling away at someone so 'high' to bring them so low, and the bigger the height from which you fall, the bigger the thrill they get. I'm a big stroppy cow of a woman that no one would believe could be manipulated, yet I was.

I am also gay and same sex female relationships are always very intense! Especially at the beginning. However, this is a different level and strikes me as a form of control. she is love bombing then will isolate you from your friends and family and then the true colours will come out when you have no one. Luckily you seem pretty switched on and can see all of the red flags. Stick her in the bin! Or at least try to, from my experience female ex’s pop up over and over again regardless of how hard you try to get rid.

Oh god the sound of this makes me cringe! Way way too intense.

Hi @Dancehalldarling , I had some of this with a new GF, I even started a thread about our first date. I was overwhelmed, by attentiveness!
We did not last long. I realised that although she could be fun, glam parties etc she did not treat me as I wanted.
I now have a new GF who is much more relaxed, We had a very nice walk in the country yesterday. Bliss!