Is this weird

Surely you don’t just grab someone else’s toddler and walk out of the house and down the streets with them? Even after being told not to do this?!…

Oh goodness!!
I can’t go into too much detail but a friend of mine found herself in your SIL’s position!
Her husband was accused of grooming her sisters DD, it caused a huge family rift with the family being torn between the 2 sisters, half believed she was acting through concern and right to do so and the other half believing she was over reacting and ‘paranoid’ …. Roll forward a few years and the marriage broke down and other more distant relatives came forward with tales of the DH doing weird stuff!!!
Needless to say he’d covered his tracts and when police investigated couldn’t find anything and it was so long after the event people had new laptops etc!….. so he’s still out there dating single mums with daughters (never yet dated anyone with a son!!!
This does happen more than you realise or anyone would care to consider! Please watch this man like a hawk…. Keep you son as away from him as possible… your DH or you needs to be out there with the kids at all times and never leave any of them alone with this man!

Just another point of view, my husbands family are the same, loud, busy loads of people all talking etc. I find this quite difficult being an only child so quite often play/excuse myself from the crowd to play/talk/walk with the babies/children - nothing weird about it, I just get overwhelmed x

I think you need to tell him directly "do not lead my child away from the room or garden that he's in".
If he does it again after that, you will know he's a wrong'un and should cut off all contact.

Please sit down ASAP with your husband and talk about how you are going to manage this! This needs dealing with before your next family gathering!
Initially you and your husband need to talk to the inlaws and raise your concerns…. List the amount of accessions he’s led your son out of the house and down the street with out anyone’s knowledge! Don’t ask them TELL THEM that you find this weird behaviour and it is NOT to happen again, make them aware you expect everyone who sees him with your DS to go and remove DS from his care…. Like I said previously call him out everytime… maybe once he’s realised he’s being watched he’ll ditch SIL and move onto another unsuspecting family….
Could you police check him to see if he has previous allegations? I know no history of offending doesn’t mean he hasn’t or won’t in the future but if he has and he’s breaking terms of probation or something then the police can take over, if he hasn’t I’d still watch this weirdo like a hawk!
Also at 2 I’d be telling your son that he must not leave the rest of the group and tell him he is not allowed to go off on his own with ANYONE except you and Daddy! Really drum this in, kids are never too young, I used to tell my DD she was only allowed to be taken to the toilet by myself, Daddy, grandma and aunty X… I’d literally say ‘NO OTHER MEN EXCEPT GRANDPA!’ (My dad)… and I don’t think my dad ever did anyway as she was never left alone without either me or my mum being the main care giver!
I would always put my gut feeling above someone else’s offence! I’d just say ‘sorry but I’m not comfortable with it!’

why on earth would any man want the company of a two year old anyway!! He wouldn’t is the answer!!

Does he have children with SiL?

Have they been together long?

I am wondering if he is just auditioning for the role of "super-dad" all the time - if he and SiL are undecided about kids.

Unfortunately perverts don't have"I'm a pervert” on their forehead - they are often lovely neighbour Ken or funny Uncle Joe. Sad but true and pushing boundaries is part of the grooming process - how much can I get away with? My ex husband from almost 40 years ago is currently serving a 7 year sentence for sexually abusing 2 young children. No one was more shocked than me when I saw it in the news. Very abusive yes, peodophile no. Never in a million years would I have thought that.

In some ways that situation sounds lovely (having a ‘village’), in others it sounds incredibly overwhelming!

I appreciate your little one has grown up in that environment, but maybe your BIL finds it too much, and that’s why he takes people away from the group (please excuse if I have misinterpreted, but I get the impression he goes off alone with most people?).

Not excusing his behaviour of course, but a clear definitive chat about boundaries is needed in terms of your child.

Maybe a reminder that children wander off and so you need to know where your child is. As a previous poster has said, everyone could think the child is with someone else and they could be halfway down the street.

Explain to him that you are trying to teach your child not to go out of sight and to stay close to Mum and Dad, and that this is undermining you.

The issue here is that the house and the people in it are what your son feels are safe areas and adults. You will realistically have to instil this boundary with all adults. I am assuming that there are times your child is out of your sight, and with someone else other than BIL. You say you don’t have a problem with this, but from a child’s perspective, uniformity in terms of ‘rules’ is key as they grow.

Other people in the family may also have different boundaries with their children, but you can’t change that and just need to keep reinforcing yours. You are likely to get some backlash by the sound of it, especially as this seems to be normal and accepted for your family.

To be honest I don’t think he can hide behind “fun uncle” because my brothers and BIL’s are totally engaged with my child WITHOUT needing to lead them away/ out of buildings/ down streets. It is odd behaviour and unnecessary, I speak with my nieces and nephews and play with them in the house but I don’t take them for secret walks CONSTANTLY. On the occasion they might want to show me something in the garden etc, or if I take them to the shop for an ice cream etc I would always say to their parents where we were going for the very reason of I’d hate for them to be at a BBQ and frantically panic they’d lost them when we’d just nipped to the corner shop.

Statistically abusers are family members and people we know, and as uncomfortable as that is I think if I felt “off” I’d let that fact take priority over pussy footing around someone. I’d make it clear they aren’t to remove my child from my sight, nor lead them away in secret. I’d rather offend a brother in law I’m not particularly close to then have my child come to me years later with tales of horror from family gatherings when people thought it more polite to say “that’s just uncle x, what’s he like”.

Put a stop to this immediately. This is 100% abnormal and wrong.
I was raped when I was very little, BY AN UNCLE in a family member's house. Several times. I can't begin to tell you how badly this has affected my life.
People here will eyeroll because they think this is too rare to worry about. It isn't.
You say "I just don’t feel I can come out and declare SIL OH as a potential predator. That’s going to be a familial nuclear bomb."
Firstly, you don't have to say that. Secondly, the family's wish to pretend it's ok is NOT more important than your child's safety. Nothing is.
The fact that you've been very firm with him and he still does it is a very bad sign. A normal person would be mortified at the parent's distress.
Either he's a predator, grooming the whole family (they are incredibly patient and often spend years gaining trust). Or he's playing a nasty game of "I'm in charge here and I can take your child off whenever I want". YOUR child!
Tell him directly that you've had enough and he has to stop. If he or the family whinge, keep saying no, you've had enough, it's not ok to keep taking my child off behind my back. Don't waver.
Nobody needs to take a young child for a spontaneous "walk" without asking the parents. Nobody usually wants to or even thinks of it.
His response will be very telling. If it's apologies and "I'm sorry, I didn't realise", all well and good. If he's angry or performatively hurt, not good.

Don’t beat about the bush here! This isn’t just weird behaviour it’s predatory! NO-ONE has ever led my DD anywhere without saying ‘just taking DD down the garden for XYZ’ not even my own parents…. Everyone even your DH should say ‘honey I’m just taking DS to the toilet quick’…. Because there’s no feeling worse than not being able to find your child!
I do the same with my niece and nephew.. “SIL is it ok if I take kids down the garden to get a lolly out of freezer?”… it’s just decency!

I would raise concerns with your parents/DH’s parents and just state it makes you feel uncomfortable and that you don’t care if they think you’re being silly but you DO NOT under any circumstance want him leading your DS anywhere!! They may all know and trust him but you don’t and that’s good enough reason as DS is your son and your rules go (however silly they think that rule is!) you might find that other family members will pipe up and say “oh I noticed that too and thought it weird behaviour!” You might all be in the situation where no one wants to say anything encase it offends someone..
If SIL’s partner leads your son anywhere again just say ‘what are you doing?!’’Leave him alone please!’ Or simply stare him in the eyes and say very firmly “Do NOT take our son anywhere! - he DOES NOT need to go anywhere with anyone except me and DH!!”
This is unbelievable that a man with good intent would even consider leaving the home with someone else’s child!! I wouldn’t dream of doing this with anyone’s child.. not even my own sisters!!
I’m afraid your choices are to either not go when he’s there OR stand up to him each and everytime he acts weirdly towards your son!… challenge it EVERYTIME with a simple
‘what are you doing?’
“where do you think you’re taking him”
if he ignores you again I’d be very clear in my annoyance and I’d be storming out there grabbing son and saying “GIVE HIM BACK TO ME NOW!!’
maybe even SIL finds it odd, maybe he’s gaslighting her saying that you don’t seem to mind so why does she!
If these are all your inlaws then maybe your DH needs to be the one to address it first… but if nothing changes then you both need to keep on at him not to take your son off anywhere!
id be incredibly worried that he’s grooming your son, some groomers do so for literally years!!…. Then convince them at say age 8 that he can’t tell anyone because it would ruin the whole family and no one would believe him anyway etc etc!!

Put a firm stop this this right now @isthisodd4

Omg! My FIL does this... it always felt so wrong to me, but I was called crazy and "what do you have against my dad". Partly because it's so hard to put into words what exactly feels odd without giving them an awful label.. but now I feel even more unsettled about it.

I never ask him to babysit or be alone with kids for this reason..was just never able to explain the feeling I have...

Definitely address this now and set boundaries

I'd say in these instances you need you or dh to have eyes on your ds at all times. Take it in turns.

I'd get dh to have a word with sil saying you're not happy with it and you don't want people randomly taking your toddler without asking.

I'd reduce contact too.

Never ignore your instinct although sometimes we are wrong but I wouldn't be taking any chances where a child's concerned.
Tell him firmly you are teaching your child not to go with people who are not his parents. If the family say "oh uncle Ted's different" say no we want to make it clear to our child that he does not walk away out of sight with anyone other than us and stick to it

Just tell them, him, no disappearing with your child and no picking up unless asked. If he still doesnt listen, stay away from them. I had this with my baby... he was friends husband, he disappeared with her for couple minutes.. garden.i went nuts though. I put stop to it, dont care who was offended. I am there to protect my child.. not that he was a perv but uts boundaries...as your child gets older they need to see this... lead by example

So watch him instead of your toddler. That may be easier.

But then I think it goes without saying you don’t wander off down the street with someone else’s child or out of the building.

I think in this situation it does need to be said! Clearly you can’t count on this person’s common sense or empathy towards you, you’re going to have to be excruciatingly blunt and not give a shit about upsetting anyone in order to make your point. If you tiptoe or come across apologetic for not wanting your child to disappear it will keep happening and may escalate. It’s time to use your big words.

Use the sad story of the toddler lost in France last year. Everyone assumed he was with someone else.

No one take DC where I can’t see him. I keep thinking about that poor little French boy. Thank you.

There may be innocent reasons for the weird behaviour, but it’s for his benefit not yours or your DCs so it stops whatever the motive.

This!

It doesn't sound as though you've said anything! A straight 'Hey Fred, please don't remove little George without asking us first'. And make much of the fact that he does this in front of others too.

And why aren't you seeing him walk off with your child in the first place?

Have you actually had a direct conversation with him asking him to ask before taking the child off somewhere? Or asking him not to because it makes you nervous?