To leave him over this?

I was once the housemate in this scenario... I'd leave him or move in with him.

When I was younger I was a pick-me. Attractive gamer girl with only male friends. I flatshared with some of them. I wasn't interested in any of them romantically but they were cool to hang out with and I was flattered. I knew they all fancied me and it felt good. I wasn't jealous when they were in relationships but I was not happy not being the centre of attention. I am being way too honest here and hoping nobody I know ever reads it but I led a few guys on a bit whenever I was feeling down about different areas of my life.

At various points over the years some of them stopped caring about their relationships because they spent so much time with me. I knew each time that if I'd have shown interest they would have cheated/left their girlfriend. I feel horrible about it now and ashamed. One day I realised none of my friends were actually friends they were trying to get with me felt really lonely and I just stopped speaking to them all. They're all happily married now.

I don't know why I was like that but I think it was low self esteem and lack of insight into my actions. I don't think there was anything their significant others could have done to stop our friendships interfering with their relationships either because I always made myself the victim of the jealous girlfriend. I'm an ultimatum I was the innocent friend and they "lost".

It made me cringe writing this because these days I'm not like this at all... If my husband had a friend like that I'd leave him because it isn't worth the stress!

They are obviously good friends.

Would you not help comfort your good friend if she or he was upset? Grief isn't something that goes away after a funeral.

This wouldn't bother me as a one off. He was comforting a friend. Unless it's part of a pattern of behaviour - can you give us examples of other times when he has prioritised her over you?

Have you told him how you feel?

You should never feel second best to another girl. This will eat you up if you let it. If you think he has feelings for her my advice would be to think whether you want to live like this.

I think he sounds like a nice person. If someone is upset and grieving (and that can be on and off for months, if not years), a kind flatmate/friend isn't going to brush past them saying he's busy. He'd be a wanker. It's a nice trait OP, don't go looking for issues.

My MIL passed away in January and my DD still gets upset if she hears a certain song or smells a certain perfume, more so than when she was at her funeral. Grief is odd and very personal.

Listen to your gut mose a than his being late.
He'd be with her in a flash if he could, that probably won't change.
Whilst he may like you, you most likely are wasting your time.
Give it another bit if you wish, but I'd be done.
Living together AND fancying that person, is potent stuff.
He could be very deeply into her, more than he even admits to himself.

You said it yourself. Grief can hit at any time. For whatever reason, grief hit. Your boyfriend was there, hers wasn't. Presumably after 2 years as flatmates, they are also friends. I would think less of someone who ditched a friend who was upset, to go on a date.

But, if you are always going to want to come first in all circumstances, let him go.

He comforted her when she was upset. What's wrong with that? I'd expect it of a friend.

YANBU. I absolutely would not want to put myself in a situation involving potential competition/mistrust/feeling second best re another female. You’re better off alone than consumed by concern all the time. And there’s no escape either- they live together!

Kindly, that's a "you' thing and others actions are not going to change that feeling.

Have you felt this way in other relationships? Unfortunately this is something you need to work on yourself and I would suggest you do that outside a relationship to reinforce you conquered it independently.

Like you very aptly put, you are a heartless cow.

Do you have no other examples of times he has prioritised her?
If you want to end it, fine. But I wouldn't choose this particular situation as the hill to die on.

Trust your gut, something doesn’t feel right- don’t waste your time.

It's only happened once. I'd monitor the situation and if it happens again I'd walk.

If you feel he fancies her then I’m assuming you’re picking up on behaviour and others instances before this? Because I wouldn’t automatically think bad of my boyfriend for comforting a friend in grief, no matter the timescale, rather I’d see that as a kind act.

It doesn’t really matter if he does or he doesn’t fancy her now, because the trust is already shaking and the situation is making you feel overlooked and second fiddle. So you’re right in that it’s probably time to call it a day because you can’t get round this.

They say you can’t compete with a ghost, and nor can you compete with the idea of a girl inside his head. You won’t ever know if he does/ doesn’t have these feelings (because if you asked no doubt he’d reassure you) but if you BELIEVE he has these feelings then what he says doesn’t matter does it?

I'd dump his ass. In fact I'd ghost him. Leave them to it.

People can be too much enmeshed even if they aren't sexual with each other.

You can find other examples of this. If someone always putting their best friend first over their own family or putting some relative first over their own family.

I think in a relationship, you want to feel like you're a priority, that you're important, and that you're not a triangle with someone else.

I think you're being extreme, but if that's how you feel then leave him.

It seems a one off incident?

How late was he? He could've messaged you, that was rude if he didn't?

It seems to me that he's not really fully available to you because of his attachment to the roommate, which he wishes would be more.

I would walk.

Oh, you mean you feel like he is TELLING you he likes her more by his actions, not that you FEEL second best? Or both? Either way, you should leave.

The cool girls and pickmeisha handmaidens will go into overdrive telling you you're hysterical, needy and unhinged.

But you have clearly picked up that he fancies her and I'd definitely say trust yourself. There are dozens of clues we pick up consciously and unconsciously that absolutely tell us when someone is attracted to another person.

I wouldn't split over just one incident, but if he prioritises women he's attracted to over you clearly this will cause more issues and has to be considered.

But if you feel that way then you need to be single to work on yourself. Feeling not good enough is a self esteem issue. It leaves you very vulnerable and this is unlikely to be the first time you have doubts. If you fundamentally feel like he could do better then you forever be having arguments about it. People with low self esteem are likely to accept being treated like crap because they feel like that’s what they deserve and they just want to be loved.

You shouldn’t put up with feeling second best. I wouldn’t, I’d be second only to a man’s kids 🤣

I wouldn't leave him over this, or at least I'd wait to see if it became more of a pattern.