@Dakotabluebell @Ialwaysdomybest
I absolutely was not excusing his behaviour as nothing more than a kink!
I was saying that if what is underpinning his (despicable) behaviour is that he is sexually excited by the idea of taking away her power then he should not be doing that with an involuntary participant and he therefore is firmly outside of consent territory (rape).
I was trying to talk to someone who is in shock and trying to process the fact that her 'lovely husband and father' might be seriously transgressing in this way - which is a lot to take on board.
So I was (trying) to help her bridge the gap where she can start to conceptualise the idea of how 'a lovely man' could be doing this to her and, crucially, what it is - non consensual... which is another way of saying rape - but in a way that allows her to grasp that while struggling with the idea of "my husband is a rapist'
Plenty of other pp has starkly written that for her, and maybe she's ready to hear that, but if not, then a slightly less shocking way of phrasing it might be helpful for op to begin to accept she is being coerced into a sexual act which as we all know is rape. Might not be the 'take by force at knife point' kind, but it still is.
I thought there was a chance op might be able to understand what she is dealing with here if she heard it described in language which is relatable as possible for 'someone like him'
I don't know, as no one else does, if what I say will be of any use to op, but I think when someone is reeling you don't know which ray of light will get through the fog and so I offered a different angle for her to try to see her own predicament.
I haven't reread my post to check it was as well crafted as I was aiming for, and if @Dakotabluebell read it differently to this it maybe wasn't, or... maybe she saw the word 'kink' in it and that wrote it off without also taking in the fact that I was saying this is not consensual... however, what I was aiming for was as I say here, just was trying to talk to op gently.