How to give less of a shit about what people think

Get older. I'm mid fifties and I don't give a rats arse what people think of me. You do go through a period of replaying past hurts and saying your l'esprit d'escalier comment but once you've done that life is good,

I don't recommend this one...

A cancer diagnosis

When I realised how lucky I was to get through the other side of it I couldn't care less. I tend to ask myself the question "would they have come to my funeral" if no then bye bye and on with life we all go.

1 single phrase I heard a couple years ago was a light bulb moment to me
"The way another person behaves towards you says everything about them and nothing about you"

So a kind decent person will behave in a respectful way to everyone unless given cause to do otherwise. That's not to say they will be everyone best friend, but they will shown consideration to others.

An unkind person will be nice to those for who there is a benefit in them doing so, and not nice to others, regardless of whether that person has dine abutting harmful to them.

Or some people may snap at you because of other things they have going on, and you just hapenned to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it's actually nothing to do with you.

We often think people are behaving in a certain way because of how they see us. But very often it's due to how they see themselves, they are looking at people through their lens.

I’m currently having therapy and what’s come out is I’ve had a life long issue with this exact thing. It’s horrible. But I’ve realised it’s been the root of my issues all my life so I need to work on it.

I don't like everyone, so I don't assume everyone will like me. Sometimes people just don't gel. I'm a weird cup a tea and not everyone is into that.

I've met people before and for whatever reason I know we'll never be friends. Nothing wrong with them. Just no connection.

I've never struggled to make friends, so I'm fine with things. I have wonderful friends.

I had a woman I barely know who I met a couple times because we are both adoptive moms. She messaged out of the blue after 10 years and it's been intense. I didn't respond to her last message because it's overwhelming. I feel like her therapist. I'll message back eventually but it's been a week now. She might be wondering what's wrong with me. I need boundaries though.

She said she's a people pleaser and has no friends and that's why. I think she doesn't have boundaries and expects others not to either.

She's not a bad person. But I'm not going to be her best friend. People are all different and expect different things from friendships.

Therapy also helps, to be honest. Takes less time than age, depending on your starting point 😂

I had a sudden epiphany one day that it went both ways. I was always previously blaming myself but then I suddenly realised it takes two. They needed to make an effort too, they needed to also be willing to make the first move etc etc. So now, while I'm by no means a completely reformed people pleaser, I am much better at shrugging off people's weird behaviour as it doesn't just have to be me who makes an effort. I'll leave the ball in their court and move on.

The question is, do you have more important things to be giving head space to? Nowadays, in the rare event I find myself wondering whether someone likes me I'm quick to remind myself that I don't necessarily like everyone I interact with. I don't go out of my way to blank them but I keep any interactions short, neutral and infrequent (if possible).

I'm also 62 so guess I've arrived at this conclusion over time; a combination of experience and consciously thinking through the 'does it actually matter in the grand scheme of things?' process.

(Also suspect that having ADHD has been quite helpful too - as in, out of sight, out of mind and onto the next thing!)

Same here 62 and I couldn't care less.

I’m a recovering people pleaser, still have occasional lapses, but what I find helpful for me is considering why does it matter if this person dislikes me, what’s the worst that can happen. Erm…they don’t like me, well they didn’t anyway, so why am I trying to desperately gain their approval and show my worthiness . Reassure yourself it’s ok for someone to dislike you.
In your case you recognised she was an unpleasant person and un friended her, so she now knows you don’t like her and what happened as a consequence of this ? NOTHING HAPPENED.
I’d also consider what exactly it is you’re now feeling anxious about , a showdown at the school gates, she’ll tell everyone how you unfriended her. Tackle each possible scenario being thrown out by your anxious mind. Ultimately most scenarios will come back to people in some way disapproving of you. Again consider does it matter.
I do think as another person said it’s a gradual shift, you won’t just go from people pleasing to don’t give a fuck overnight. I’m older and I don’t necessarily think it’s an age thing either apart from you have less energy to care. My mums in her 70s and still does it. It’s the conditioning you’ve had growing up that is difficult to break, so don’t compare yourself to your friend that likely had a different experience to you as a child.

Eg everywhere I've been in my life, I've been well liked and have friends but a number of people who have never met me or know anything about me don't seem to like my face (all women). It used to bother me but now I just think "well can't be helped, that's their problem and I'm not going to let it affect my self esteem"

@Bunnyhair Exactly, I think @Petrine has understood wrong. No-one is talking about people not caring what others think so they become rude, entitled, not pleasant to be around, inconsiderate.
We still continue to be good caring people, myself even more so as I get older.
But I just don't care if people like my outfit, or if someone starts blanking me out or nowhere I won't get anxious about it, I'm not afraid of saying no if I don't want to do something, I don't care if someone thinks I'm too xyz with my kids etc etc.
It's so freeing to not care and spend thoughts on pointless stuff. But I care ABOUT people a lot more. It's definitely a perk of getting older for me

I don’t think it’s about rights. I think many people (myself included) reach a point in life where their own mentality shifts. It’s nothing to do with feeling entitled - it’s more an ability to let go of being tortured by a painful yearning to be approved of 100% of the time by random strangers / acquaintances / everyone we encounter. And a recognition that not everyone is going to like us, and all we can do is behave ethically and conduct ourselves with decency and the rest is out of our hands.

Getting older, losing people to death.. I couldn't give a fuck anymore. I used to get confused why people would suddenly blank me and I hadn't done anything. But they're just acquaintances, who knows what goes on in their heads or what someone has incorrectly told them. I'm not wasting energy caring anymore
But I care more about people generally than I used to, just not what they think 😂

I often read here that older folk suddenly stop caring what people think about their behaviour, dress, opinions, etc, as if age gives them certain societal rights.

I disagree. I’m 69 and think as I always have done… I do care what people think of me.

Also: get support for social anxiety. All the rational thinking in the world won’t help if you don’t tackle the underlying anxiety here.

Start focussing on whether you like them. If someone’s blanking you, that isn’t very likeable. It doesn’t make you feel good. So they’re not someone you want in your life. Next!

The trick is recognising you are not an object to be approved of and accepted by others. You get to choose who you want to be around, as well. If you don’t enjoy someone’s company or feel weird or anxious around them, or they behave in ways that confuse you, then they don’t make the cut of people you want to hang out with.

Something I see on here a lot is ‘what have I done wrong?’ - as though if you do everything ‘right’ it will invariably produce the social response you want from other people. But this doesn’t take into account the wild card that is other people - their minds, their lives, the ways they are different from you. They’re not machines you can program to be friendly, if you just enter the right commands.

99% of the time when someone’s being frosty it isn’t because you’ve offended them. It’s because they’re preoccupied by something going on in their own life, or they’re moody, or they have some sort of social communication issue, or they don’t recognise or remember you, or you remind them of their cousin who they fell out with, or you’re just not compatible for whatever reason. It’s out of your hands.

Turning 40 made a real difference to me on this stuff some how……

When you realize you can't control what other people do. When you realize most people think about you far less than you think they do and just going about their lives. When you realize their reaction is normally down to something else in their life. If she's known for being bitchy etc perhaps she's just a bit crap socially and it's a her thing not a you thing, perhaps she just doesn't have the capacity to maintain friendships.

Yes, the question here, OP, is why you’re so upset about the defection of someone you knew all along was prone to bitchiness and falling out with people. Were you hoping it would be different with you?

I’m not sure @5128gap is entirely right, in that I have genuinely liked people and thought of them as genuine friends, who subsequently dropped me because they didn’t have the capacity/ I was just a situational friend to them, but with hindsight, I can see that this was a pattern of behaviour in their lives.

Many many years ago, I worked in the same building as a lady who always came across a really nice. We used to chat if we came across each other. One day, I plucked up the courage to ask if she fancied grabbing a coffee sometime. She was very pleasant, but said no. I was a little surprised, then she told me she thought I was a really nice person, but felt threatened by me, so wasn't prepared to get into a friendship.
I realised then that I couldn't really change someone's opinion of me, so there was not much point in trying.

I understand OP. As an ex-people pleaser pleaser myself, I don't think there is a magic cure; it is about progressively shifting your thought process about people like this.

As a general point: I think you are giving this woman too much headspace. So she has fallen out with you; so what? You can shrug it off and focus on other people. I doubt it is anything you have done so stop second guessing and blaming yourself. You knew that she was the type to fall out with people and now she has got around to you. It is not you, it is her.

As you want to be more like her, have you thought about talking it through with your friend who doesn't care what people think of her? You can ask her how you would respond in situations like this and try to emulate it.

Reading the phrase, "what other people think of you is none of your business" helped me.