How to give less of a shit about what people think

I was like this. I used to overthink every single thing, worried massively about what people thought about me.

I genuinely think age is the only thing that made a difference. I'm 34 now and I would say over the last year I've just stopped caring.

Couldn't give a monkeys about what others think of me. Why bother worrying? Life is far too short for that sort of thing.

It's rubbish OP, sounds as if you're better off without her but it still hurts, doesn't it?

I hope ageing helps me in this as I'm 42 and still torture myself over why someone may not like me or I don't fit in somewhere. I wish I cared less. I've also learned recently and painfully that people pleasing does not work. I think, if anything, people have less respect for you as a result. It's a work in progress!

There are different kinds of people who say 'I don't care what people think of me'.

• sociopaths (I know one like this unfortunately)
• tedious people who think they are down to earth and honest, but use that to cover up how nasty and/or awkward they really are: it's not that they value the honestly, it's that they can't stop their facial expressions or from running their mouths off, it's a lack of self-control basically
• women who have reached a certain age and their oestrogen levels have dropped, giving them a freedom they never knew they had. They do still care about people who care about them, they just don't feel the nurturing instinct that they used to have around certain people

Also it's not that you become mean and heartless as you get older, you just stop wanting to be around people that cause drama over nothing you just want peace.

Was going to say exactly the same thing..

Couldn't give a flying fuck anymore!

I use to be the same and i agree with the others the older you get the less you care

You've said you haven't done anything so it's her problem. You have to think you wouldn't treat someone like that so don't let her do it to you. Focus on other friends and family, she doesn't sound nice so she's actually done you a favour.

I don't think it's as much not caring about what people think of you, as much as it is less tolerant of bullshit. It's probably not true of everyone but I know I grew into myself and took less shit as I got older.

Nah you're still getting it wrong. Nevermind.

Yep, getting older is wonderful. I gave my last fuck more than a decade ago. People can take me or leave me, I don't care either way.

I guess they give zero fucks whether you think they ‘come across well’, so you're the only one left wasting energy on it. 🤷‍♀️

@Disturbia81 I haven’t ’understood wrong’. It is my opinion which is formed on personal experience when meeting people with a ‘certain attitude’.

When someone tells me they give zero fucks because they’re older it usually means exactly that and it’s reflected in the way they conduct themselves. It might not be the way they intend but sadly that’s the way it comes across.

Agree. I was always a people pleaser and desperately wanted to be liked. I think it stems from low self esteem. As I've got older I just don't care. I believe you can't be everyone's cup of tea. If people don't like me or understand me then we're just not meant to be friends. If someone seems to dislike me I don't give it any headspace anymore. Sometimes people just don't gel and that's OK. Focus on people who do like you. Forget about the others.

OH I'm a people pleaser, I don't require much but I love people letting me know I've done the right thing. Been the right person.

For various reasons I read about the Karpman Drama Triangle, where people in dysfunctional relationships are playing the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor. It was like a lightbulb going on about my relationship with my father. He loves to play the victim to lure others into rescuing him, whereupon he immediately turns into a persecutor. I've fallen for it so many times (he's not a nice man). So I stopped being the rescuer.

The point was that when I stopped, I realised that I was always looking for his approval. I really cared what he thought about me. But he tells me in words that he doesn't think good things about me, so it's doomed. When I sorted it out in my head (not through therapy...this is my own journey here) I could pinpoint other times with people where I was incredibly keen to step in and be the rescuer, but it never gets you anywhere. I realised I was always looking for some sort of approval, not to actually help properly.

I don't know if any of that makes sense, but you asked how to stop caring, and it was through realising that my search for the approval of others was more down to playing this role and perpetuating a family dynamic that was very unhealthy. I just stopped! It's been very liberating. I actually have a long-term friend who has cooled towards me (it's mutual tbh) and previously I would have tried to reel her in with offers of something good (to rescue the situation!), and felt rejected. Now I don't bother and we are cordial and it's...fine.

Sorry if that's muddled. It's kind of sixties psychology and no doubt has been discredited seventeen times over, but it dramatically helped me!

You just have to choose to let these things go.
It was a conscious decision I took to try to care less what people thought about me - particularly because it's often not about what we know they think of us, just our own personal speculation about what they may be thinking based on our interpretation of their behaviour.
So in some ways, it's more about us than them.
I had a similar mum friend situation where I thought we got on really well but then we went on a holiday, came back and it just seemed to be harder to meet up, took a while for me to just give up. You wonder for a while what went wrong but you won't ever know. Even if you asked directly you might not get the truth. So you just have to accept it and not worry.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how painful that must have been x

Op, most people will be on to her. If she has form for this then they’ll have seen the pattern. If she bitches about you they’ll know it was just your turn.

We can’t stop people bitching about us. Anyone could be bitching about us right now, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So worrying is a waste of energy..

I think most people who don’t give this sort of thing headspace aren’t breezy or unconcerned or full of confidence and robust self-esteem - many of us have had something awful knock us out of our introspective anxiety and bring out a survivor mentality where drama like this suddenly reveals itself as a glaringly obvious waste of our precious time on Earth, and such a pointless distraction from the things that actually matter.

I’m sorry to hear about this. 💐
I had similar after my child died. Anyone who disappeared / made it all about them / was in any way freaky after that got the boot.

Op I had someone block me on Facebook but she still follows me on Instagram and watches my stories.

She was mad I put up boundaries and I guess wanted me to know that, but also still see my personal life. I let her. I get it. I'm pretty fascinating. 😉

This was 5 years ago and she still follows me! I kinda love it. I have my own hater.

I always like the phrase " other people's opinions of you are none of your business."

Unless it's my ds, partner, or best friends, people's opinions of me don't matter.

Here’s the thing, you can’t ever control what people think. Worrying when you can’t do anything about it is just a waste of energy and impacts on you unnecessarily.
the thing about your school mum friend is just the same, she might be just getting about her business and unaware she’s had this impact on you. Are you certain she is blanking you ? I know for me school runs are literally drop and run. I’m always on the clock.
my friend recently said to me ‘you’ve not been your self lately’. I was like wtf? I’ve been really busy and maybe her interpretation is similar to yours ? Just a thought x

For me, it was getting older (am 55) but also realising that my friends are really decent, nice people who I'm proud to call friends. So I figured I must be an alright kind of person, because they like me. Which means, in turn, that if someone doesn't like me, it's not me, it's them.

If that makes sense.

(it also helps that most of the above-mentioned friends have seen me at my absolute worst over the years and still seem to think I'm ok. Which is nice.)

'The logical, grown up part of my brain knows it doesn't matter and that I shouldn't care but it's still an uncomfortable feeling.'

That is the part of your brain you should listen to OP and identify yourself with. You can detach yourself from this uncomfortable feeling, you yourself know that it is not rational. Let those feelings unfurl themselves and do their worst; you can't stop them arising but you know they are wrong, and you can get on with your life regardless.

When you are a decent person you presume that everyone is the same but some are just not. This woman's behaviour really is nothing to do with you. And you can't control what she says about you to others; life really is too short to care.

Once I heard that ruining your reputation is only way to be free (or something like that).
I was 20 and it changed my life.
I simply go through life doing all stupid shit I want to do.
Only thing off limits for me is something that would really hurt my partner or few close friends or terrible financial decisions/ending up in jail as I have children.
I am the clown and the world is my circus.