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Original poster

My dad rejected me

85 replies

Carly944 · 19/05/2024 08:23

Hi my parents divorced when I was 5 . I remember my mum and dad fighting for a while. Then my dad met a new woman. And that was it really. He didn't want to see me again

. He sent me a letter when I was 16 saying that he didn't want to see me again. I was very young and I thought at that time that he couldn't possibly mean what he said. Everyone I knew at that time had some contact with their dad. So I just found the idea of me never seeing my father ever again, unfathomable.

I had this strong desire to see him. He lived in a different country. I got his address from a relative. I went over to see him when I was in my early twenties. I went to his house. He was polite but cold to me on the day. he said to me that he would see me again.

I went back home and he sent me a letter saying that he had changed his mind, that he didn't want to see me ever again.

I had a bit of a breakdown at the time after getting his letter. it affected me very badly. Even now when I talk to a therapist about it. She says to me "going to see your dad and having him reject you is a huge trauma".

It's sad, you know when I was in my early twenties, I should have been enjoying myself and going out partying.

Instead, I was having to deal with my dad. After he sent me the letter, I never tried to see him again. And he is now dead.

How do you get over a father rejecting you. I still feel so deeply wounded by it. I can't seem to accept it. I've gone to therapy so many times over it and it hasn't helped. I'm still always hurt and angry. It just feels like the deepest rejection. Your parents aren't meant to reject you. I know he didn't deserve me and I wasted my time on him. But I just can't see, to accept what happened. I'm always in pain. I wonder how to accept it and try to heal..? Has anyone been through similar.?

OP posts:
Original poster
Carly944 · 19/05/2024 08:56

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

Edited

No he wasn't trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy.

He was married to my mum for six years before she gave birth to me.

It seems to me he was simply selfish. That when he met a new woman, it was easier for him to walk away from his responsibilities. It's so easy for men like that to just walk away from everything if he wants.

He doesn't even think about what the child left behind goes through.

He didnt think at all about all the pain and suffering I went through. Hhdaad a new easier life.

He made life easier for him, and he made life ten times worse for me.

OP posts:
PineappleTime · 19/05/2024 08:55

Some people are unable to form proper relationships, including with children. They just aren't made for it. It's not the fault of the child, it's the issue the adult has in how they are made.

Cinai · 19/05/2024 08:53

I’m so sorry. Maybe it helps if you explore in therapy that it had nothing to do with you - he doesn’t know you, which means that it has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are. Therefore he didn’t reject you, he rejected his life as a dad.

DogDream · 19/05/2024 08:49

Comingupriver · 19/05/2024 08:42

Op, he didn’t reject you. He rejected responsibility. It was never personal. O think you should try CBT to focus on that. He didn’t know you and never really did, even at 5. He is missing out and his in ability to step up has made him miss out. Not you. Take care

This. It’s heartbreaking nonetheless OP. What an awful horrid man. You deserve better.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 19/05/2024 08:48

Kind of, but I think it was easier for me because he was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive, so I didn’t want to see him either.

I think that the only way to get through it is to keep telling yourself that his decision is nothing to do with you. He didn’t reject you personally; he rejected everything that didn’t slot neatly into his new life. And that makes him a bit of a shitty person. And he remained a shitty person for the rest of his life. You aren’t responsible for that. I do remember being a child and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to be my dad, but age has taught me that it was completely unrelated to me. It was him, and his shortcomings. His failures as a person. I wasn’t responsible for that and you aren’t responsible for his actions. There was nothing you did to cause this. Some people are just shit and shouldn’t have been allowed to have children 💐

ThirdStorm · 19/05/2024 08:48

I focus on what I’ve got. I feel I haven’t missed out on anything. For me it was a long long time ago. I feel pretty detached from it now. I don’t let myself think about why. People can be odd and I can’t pretend to understand what makes somebody cut out a child, they had their reasons. His loss. I hope you can work through this, it is hard. Therapy could be something to try.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/05/2024 08:43

Do you still have your mother and have you ever talked to her about it and the circumstances of their marriage and your birth? Could it be possible that he felt he had been trapped into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, which in turn led to a relationship destined to fail? It may be something like this that makes him associate you with that time that he may consider he wasted in a relationship with a person he never really wanted to be with (your mother rather than you - but he links the pair of you)?

Comingupriver · 19/05/2024 08:42

Op, he didn’t reject you. He rejected responsibility. It was never personal. O think you should try CBT to focus on that. He didn’t know you and never really did, even at 5. He is missing out and his in ability to step up has made him miss out. Not you. Take care

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 19/05/2024 08:40

OP have you posted about this before? If you're the one I'm thinking of you lived in poverty with your mother? If not, search for the threads because there was some excellent advice for a very similar issue.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the pain you're in. Have you explored different types of therapy? EMDR is good for trauma?

Moomum123 · 19/05/2024 08:39

I’m so sorry, that sounds heart breaking. Perhaps consider that he chose not to see you to avoid the guilt and self loathing of a failed marriage and a child he wasn’t going to see every day. Or perhaps he was weak and it was easier to pretend he wasn’t a rubbish father.
Whatever his reasons, he’s gone now and you’ll never have an explanation or a resolution with him. Carry on with therapy - I have found it invaluable for coming to peace over a lack of relationship with my mother. I also concentrate on the positive relationships in my life over the years - my friends, my husband and now my children. You are clearly an individual with a big heart and love to give that you could give him those second chances, channel that hope and positivity into the relationships that matter, those that are with you in the here and now. I wish you peace and happiness.