My dad rejected me

That wasn't my intention and I was wondering whether that may have been the situation whereby her father might have felt that way (which would be on him not her mother) but the OP has indicated that isn't the case here. Sorry if that was triggering for you in some way.

My dad did the same to me..
Time heals. I invested in my step dad instead and realised I didn't need him

When he died. I went to the funeral but honestly didn't feel anything other than pity fir hik that he missed out on his grandchildren etc

He had detached himself as yours has. Its his way of coping with a failed marriage

Is there any chance that you are not biologically his?

your uncle’s response most definitely had the effect i imagine he intended- to stop you asking more questions. There’s no such thing as a natty child. I imagine there was a disregulated child who needed connection. The fact you say they’re all cold. People are not born cold. They close up as a coping mechanism to survive in a cold/painful situation / childhood.

Just see about your uncle @Carly944 - would he talk now that your dad is passed? If you explain the impact this has had on you, in a context of coming from the common ground of a mutual love if you like of trying to understand your dad.

This is heartbreaking OP. Agree with all the posts above about how this rejection was nothing to do with you as a person as he never really knew you. Nevertheless, he did reject you and it seems so unnatural. This therefore sounds to me that your dad himself had serious issues which he probably never addressed. I’m going to put some things out here and I don’t expect you to answer them
here, but if it’s useful to bring them or what they bring up to therapy, I hope it helps.

What was his own father like? Or his mother? Maybe he was deeply depressed. Maybe he was abused as a child which woke issues in him he couldn’t face / were triggered by your birth. So he walked away he might have felt to protect you from himself? Are any of his siblings or parents or cousins around for you to find out anything about what his childhood /past was like? What was he like as a father for the few years he was in your life, from your mother’s perspective, you prob don’t rem? How did he meet the new woman? What was his relationship like with your mother? Was he afraid of responsibility? Why did it break down according to her? What is your mum like? What is your mum like in relationships? Could your dad have been traumatized or abused in that situation? Did your dad talk about any of that or anything in the past or his new woman when you met him? You said he was cold- that he can turn off his feelings seems like the way he learned to cope in the world, or maybe his temperament; is there a chance he was neurodivergent? Also, the relationship with the new woman. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum, his past life or her. Lust /love is blind. what was /is she like? Maybe she had some hold over him if he said he did want to see you when you went to see him then didn’t. Did you ever meet her or anyone who knows her? Did he have other children ? What are they like if so? Do you have older cousins who would have been around when you were small and might have feelings on what it was like in your home?

I think the way out of it is to really feel how this rejection is in your body and own and accept it; as painful as it is. also while he totally did reject parenthood and you (which are hard to extricate from eachother for you as the person affected so deeply by this) the way to peace might be to find forgiveness for the unforgivable - not to let him off but to give yourself peace. And the start of that process might be to find some compassion for him - to see the situation as it might have been from his perspective. What happened here is unnatural. if you have any leads on what was going on in his own childhood or past to lead him to behave like this. I hope you’re ok.

@Carly944 Its shocking isn't it. Its even harder I think to be treated badly by people who are otherwise good - like your uncle. As you say, it is down to that ability to compartmentalise. And I think even mostly "good" people are often keen in the idea of being good people but also want to make their own lives comfortable (keep relationship with brother in your uncles case, in other cases it might be financial, domestic comforts etc). Anything for an easy life in other words. So in order to keep that materially easy life and the psychological comfort of being a good person there is either a lot of self-justification/weird rationalisations that go on or they just compartmentalise.

What I'm saying is (and you know this anyway) it isn't you. Its a known psychological phenomenon. Men are (and this is a huge generalisation) less likely to criticise other men in their in group than women are to criticise women. Sometimes that's a positive (less purity spiralling) but in the case of your uncle he would have had to square his own family values with the fact that his brother (whom he has most loyalty to) had acted in a terrible way. That's a very hard place to be mentally, its much easier just not to face it. Which is probably what he means by "preserving his own relationship with his brother" as a justification for cutting you of. But you could take that as confirmation that really even his own brother knows what your father did was wrong.

HE DID NOT REJECT YOU. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Remember this.

He wasn't rejecting you he was rejecting himself! he clearly couldn't handle being responsible for a child as precious as you.

He's was a fool and a coward but this has no reflection on you. He would have done the same with any child not just you.

Some "men" never learn how to be a man and l just live their lives for themselves. He is one of them.

You need to find a way to let this go! He was the one who should have been carrying around the guilt and the shame and I hope if he!

And you know what you can hold your head up high you gave him another chance when you were in your early 20s you should be proud of yourself your a better woman than me and most!

You didn't need him clearly! But it's time time to stop letting him waste your time and energy. Your strong you have proved that continue to be strong and move on. You can do it

This is lovely - when you hear someone else's story that resonates with your own you empathise completely. This is where you can gain strength.

I understand that for some of us the thought of joining groups of fellow trauma sufferers is anathema, but it really works as a support to know that you are not alone and there are others who can truly understand how you feel.

Supporting others - which clearly comes naturally to you - is also very healing.

I second the recommendation of EMDR therapy. It totally helped me in my 40s with the trauma from my mum's mental health episodes that began when I was 8.

I wish you happiness OP. Good luck x

Try alternative therapies like emdr or somatic therapy. Everyone thinks we have to unravel the trauma and make peace with it intellectually when sometimes we just have to help our bodies release the emotions.

my Dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me. I had a relationship with him until I was 11 when he became angry that I wanted to see him less and stay with my mum more - we’d never been close and it was always very obvious he preferred my brother to me.

He walked out of my life that day and told me he never wanted to see me again - it’s a very heartless thing to say to an 11 year old girl.

I’ve seen him a couple of times since at funerals - at the last one he walked straight past me and wouldn’t even look at me.

It has been hard - I see people who have wonderful and positive experiences with their dads and I’ve never had that. I’ve come to accept it isn’t because of me - the fact he left my mum before I was born shows it’s not me that’s the issue - it’s him. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that but I focus on my other relationships - I’m very close to my mum And was to my nan before she died.

Therapy will help OP but it will take time. Just give yourself time to come to terms with it all and know it wasn’t you that was at fault.

Oh for god's sake. None of this is any excuse for his behaviour. So unhelpful.

I've not seen my dad since I was 12 years old.

In all honesty I don't want to. Only a terrible person could leave their child, I don't want contact with a parent who isn't interested in being one.

That's just so appallingly awful Circumferences I'm very sorry

Yes. Have you considered that this circumstance was in fact a woman's fault. Is there any way, any way at all that this clearly dreadful behaviour was in fact due to a woman? Really, there must be some way, if we only think hard enough....

For fucks sake. If you search this board you can find many cases where a woman is at fault/being criticises Spiralling. But that isn't enough is it.

Some people - women as well as men - just don't have an emotional attachment to their children any more than to a piece of furniture. It's just the way they are, nothing anyone can do about it.

Of course it's devastating for the child unless you can accept that there's nothing wrong with YOU - it's that parent who is made differently.

This is heartbreaking, and your therapist was right that you experienced a trauma in his rejection.
Your dad however is someone who lacks empathy entirely. So you're simply collateral damage in his lifetime of treating people appallingly, it's not personal.

I can't say I've experienced the rejection of a parent sorry, but I was raped by my dad rather than "rejected" exactly. It's similar in the sense that my feelings and my perspective were simply never considered in the slightest by my own father, and it's tough, really tough to realize that some parents are just like that.

I'm so sorry OP. This is no reflection on you.

Those of us who have crap parents are left to make sense of the chaos they leave us.

I found it helpful to listen to Mel Robbins interview Dr Ramani on narcissistic relationships (and crap parents in general) this morning.

She talks about radical acceptance and the fact that difficult parents won't change and that you can move forward by changing your perception of the relationship and by not trying to fix it. She talks about grieving for people who are still alive.

open.spotify.com/episode/63enBXpclpYQwkHC5VCJXY?si=U0ocMtXOReu0HDgRFErKsQ

In terms of radical acceptance you must understand that:

⭐The situation won't change - they won't change
⭐It's not your fault - no reflection on you
⭐There will be no closure or apology

But she also said that people who experience such treatment can work through this and it strengthens them - 'tougher than hell' is how she describes them.

💐Don't be disheartened love. Keep working on your therapy.

I’m dealing with something somewhat similar. I traced my birth mother and she wrote me one email and then never replied - it’s the most painful rejection plus I feel so stupid, like I didn’t get the message when she never tried to find me that she’s not interested. That was seven years ago and I don’t seem to be able to move on.

I sometimes look at her and her kept daughter’s Instagrams and long story short I ended up watching my mother giving a eulogy at a live-streamed funeral where she made a point of saying how we should remember mothers who’d given up babies for adoption (the funeral was for an adoptee). She seemed so kind and thoughtful, I don’t get it at all…