My dad rejected me

I think 'defeatist' is an unkind way of putting things. 'You do sound very traumatised' would have been better.

Please get some therapy .Many of us have had shit parents .It does affect you but it doesn't have to control your whole life or choices .I've worked hard to come to terms with things that happened within my family .It has had an impact even on my ability to make friends. But it isn't the be all and end all of my life .
I'm a functioning adult with a good marriage, my son had a great childhood , his description.
I was good at my job which I enjoyed.
So yes I've got some quirks and triggers but I've had so much more good in my life than bad .
I can't change the past or behaviours of my parents but by god I've I worked on my response to them.
I really wish you all the best
There are good suggestions here take this as your opportunity to start healing .

Dear OP, my heart goes out to you. It's heartbreaking that your dad is now gone, and with him, also gone any hope of being accepted by him.

I've tried to think up some advice to offer, but everything I've thought of seems empty. I hope the other responses here give you a way forward.

Sending a big virtual hug (--).

I think what I've discovered in life is that everyone had something they are struggling with - whether crap parents, disability or perhaps their childhood was fine but they had a trauma later on.

Some people find a way through, others are broken by it. We are all human.

It's been a real learning experience for me, having my family fall to bits. If you'd told me 30 years ago that I wouldn't be in contact with my family, I'd not have believed you.

My motto now is 'do what you can, with what you have, where you are'

That’s beautiful 🥰

You do sound very defeatist.

PTSD or CPTSD are not life sentences, they just aren't.

I've been in AA for years now, and you should hear some of the f*cked up stories of childhood trauma in there.

People who were so traumatized they brought themselves to the brink of death trying to self destruct through drink, but have turned it around and are examples of people now living spiritually fulfilled lives, inspiring others to do the same.

(I'm not implying you're an alcoholic, before anyone gets the wrong idea- I was, because of the trauma of CSA)

I don't have symptoms of CPTSD anymore, at 40something, despite the fact that what my dad used to do to me is in the most serious category of crime.

You will benefit greatly from some spiritual guidance. Listen more to your inner voice (the one we're all born with who tells us who we are) and hear it calling you that you will be ok, and you deserve a good life, you are capable of happiness.

Ablaze's sister was trapped in letting her trauma define her, and you are trapped there too. You don't need to be.

And believe me, the grief of what happens to my sister cripples me sometimes.

I wouldn’t be taking the time on my Sunday morning to invest in these posts if I didn’t want to see one other person on this planet go through it.

I did promise my daughter we’d go to the shops! I hope it’s sunny where you are OP x

With due respect, you don’t know my sister. I did.

Of course it’s more of a struggle. It’s not fair. It’s shit. It’s hard. Learning the tools to emotionally recover and re-build a life isn’t easy. And triply hard if you grow up poor.

What do you want from this? It has to be something you can get. Healing you can get. An apology, you won’t.

You know why you’re getting nightmares. And it’s dreadful. But you have to after the things you can get. Not re-live the moment the awful things happened, trapped in the past.

I’ll always be ‘damaged‘. Someone once called me damaged goods. But I love myself now and show myself kindness and understanding. I accept responsibility for my choices and that made my recovery longer.

Believe it helps, but keep remembering you and your brother did nothing wrong to deserve what your father did. It was all him, and shame on your uncle for what he said and did. Be kind to yourself, unfortunately some of us, are unlucky with the parents we get in life. It's not out fault, it's just the way it is, and nothing we do can change that but we can change how it impacts us.

I had a difficult childhood. I’m not going to go into the detail of it.

The advice I gave above is what I learnt. Healing doesn’t happen until there’s a mindset shift. Half my siblings learnt that and half of them didn’t. Nothing works, including therapy, until you accept responsibility for your adult life.

Therapy that coaches you to empower yourself is key here. That supports you to find who you are and an identity outside of what happened to you.

I will always be shaped by my difficult childhood. I accept that. But there’s also a me here who has interests and goals.

It’s really common with childhood trauma for people to spend their entire lives reliving it and blaming it for everything that’s gone wrong. Therapy to process it won’t work unless you change your mindset before going into that room. It doesn’t have to be a seismic shift but just a little thought that I need to be responsible for what happens going forward.

It gets harder as you get older because your personality just becomes what happens to you.

He didn't reject you, he failed you. He was the parent, he was suppose to love you, care for you, provide for you and mind you, but he failed you. Unfortunately meeting you again only reminded him of his own failings and wrong doings, he could have owned it, apologised and tried to renew a relationship with you or do what he did which was to break your heart again and ignore all the hurt and pain he caused. From what you said and what he did, be thankful he wasn't in your life because he would have caused you constant heartache. He didn't deserve you then and he doesn't deserve you now, even with him passing.He lost out and he was completely at fault. It could help to write a letter to him, letting out all the hurt and anger and then burning the letter. It really does help, then you have to let him go. He had caused you too much pain already, don't let have anymore.

He chose to walk away from your life when you were five - he hasn't changed his mind.

You're choosing to let this take over your life - it may not be what you want, but its out of your control.
Your life would have been different - but if it had included growing up with warring parents, it could have been a lot worse.

Tough advice alert.

You will not get what you are looking out of this. You want something you won’t get: justice, truth, an apology, validation.

My sister had a very tough life. Initially at the hands of my father but mostly at the hands of herself. She refused to let go and move on. She held on to childhood trauma and let it define her. Everything was always everyone else’s fault. She made the bad things that happened to her the defining story of her life. She had plenty of time to write a new one, but didn’t. She mentally repeated the wrongs done to her daily, lived in the past. She never recovered until she passed away a couple of years ago.

You have let your father and uncle’s actions define you. You have blamed them for everything wrong in your life. But from adulthood, you are responsible for your life. You are responsible for what you do now. Get help but bit by bit you need to build your life up one small change at a time.

But do not wallow. Don’t look at the bits of your life you don’t like and think “this is all his fault”. When you take responsibility, you will change your life for the better and see him for what he is: irrelevant.

I'm so sorry to read that OP , I had similar from my mother so I feel that pain

Not sure I ever got over it but I came to terms that it said more about her than me
I decided not to let her ruin my life so set out to be the best I could and not give her another thought

Please continue the therapy , make the most of others around you who love and value you .. live your best life and a quiet "fuck you " now and again has done me ok 💐❤️
Take care of you

He didn't reject YOU.
He rejected the idea of having a child and his past life.
He didn't know you when he made those decisions and statements.
This is very much a him problem and nothing you could have done would have changed that.

Sorry if that was triggering for you in some way.

The OP has said this isn't the situation but it was merely a suggestion as to why a man may have acted in such a way as so many do feel like this as unreasonable as that may be. The OP is looking for answers and it was a suggested one. But I do apologise if it hit a nerve for you.

Only hurt people hurt people intentionally. I so hope you find the answers you need to try and make some sense of what seems to makes no sense at all.