I'm hiding details as I don't want it outing and im ashamed. I've had a really really hard week with DS5 this week, absolutely hysterics over school saying he feels ill having to collect early etc etc. I'm a single parent working full time. Dr diagnosed him with a simple treatment for a common childhood problem. The issue is is he has barely eaten all week and nothing today.
Today the treatment worked and I asked him 3 or 4 times what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said anything he doesn't mind but I gave him all the options and asked him to choose so it was something I knew he'd like. He told me what he wanted and I spent a while making it and when I put it on the table he was hysterical again screaming and gagging saying he felt sick and didn't want it. We live in a tiny house that has no shade so was boiling from cooking at this point I was sweating. I lost my rag and said he absolutely wasn't getting down from the table until he had eaten. Cue more hysterics and screaming and gagging. I completely flipped and went to his side and scooped some onto his spoon and tried to spoon it into his mouth for him (I didn't touch him or force his mouth open or anything). He then spat it all out and was blubbering tears and shaking. I felt horrible and realised I just force fed my child.
I've been really struggling with his behaviour at the moment and with my own physical and mental health I'm just struggling to cope. He's an amazing caring kind funny little boy but I can tell he is turning into a shell of himself. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel so horrible for the way I've treated him I want to kill myself but don't want him to think its because of him. I'm always shouting, getting cross, not spending enough time with him etc. In reality I think I need help from social services and this breaks my heart as I was in care myself as a child and have put everything into giving my child what I didn't have.
I've now given him a horrible memory that will stick with him because I couldn't control my anger and give him a bit of bloody toast instead. Sorry I guess I'm just venting.