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Original poster

Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

283 replies

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 13:45

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

OP posts:
ByKindOpalPoet · 18/05/2024 17:37

coldcallerbaiter · 18/05/2024 17:33

I think she deserves to know and make her decision from there.

Don’t you think she deserved to know 6 years ago? Don’t you think she deserved to make a decision then before having a second child. OP took that from her

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:34

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:26

But you consider the OP to be committed to understanding?

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No I didnt say that anywhere. Nice reach though 😉

Taurusenergy · 18/05/2024 17:34

Hurting someone else won't make you feel better. Let him carry it and move on with your own life

BCBird · 18/05/2024 17:33

Nope.

coldcallerbaiter · 18/05/2024 17:33

I think she deserves to know and make her decision from there.

CalishataFolkart · 18/05/2024 17:32

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:15

That’s not what this is. That’s what you think it is, and I can’t change that.

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Because I let someone walk away without consequences

Well there is an element of that as well as I don't like that I let it go without any consequences as well

But something like he did? You just can’t let it slide

It’s not unreasonable to come to the conclusion that OP is motivated by revenge, wanting the man to be punished, however you want to phrase it. It’s not just about the wife.

Alwaystired23 · 18/05/2024 17:30

No, you shouldn't tell his wife six years later. I'm surprised you're even still thinking about it, to be honest.

BasiliskStare · 18/05/2024 17:27

Honestly @OP you have asked for advice and a wide range of people have told you this is bad idea

You choose what you want to do - but really think to yourself how much harm you could be doing to a family with two young children when your evidence Is 12 weeks from 6 years ago. And only saying it when you are sure of being anonymous.

The more I think about it the more I think you have let this go. Let that family work things out for themselves. & don't interfere with them. Lead your own life and let them get on with theirs.

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:26

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:21

I could. But I can always tell when someone is committed to misunderstanding.

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But you consider the OP to be committed to understanding?

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:21

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:19

You could try?

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I could. But I can always tell when someone is committed to misunderstanding.

romdowa · 18/05/2024 17:20

You've kept the secret for 6 years. You could have told his wife at any stage after she was pregnant. You chose not to do so . Tbh you'll just look unhinged if you do it now.

ByKindOpalPoet · 18/05/2024 17:20

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 17:09

Don't worry there are people who just don't want to see things as they are and that's OK. I certainly don't need therapy that much I know lol.

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Oh we see it OP, we see it loud and clear, you just don’t want to see it. You said yourself you’ve been thinking about it for a while. No one who is truly happy with their life now would be obsessing over their three month fling from 6 years ago. You do need therapy, you just don’t want to admit it yet.

Taurusenergy · 18/05/2024 17:20

What do you think will come of this if you did tell her. Why bring yourself back into this guys life just to hurt his wife. I'd leave them well alone and keep moving forward.

She might not even believe you.

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:19

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:15

That’s not what this is. That’s what you think it is, and I can’t change that.

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You could try?

theonlygirl · 18/05/2024 17:18

I'm returning to this thread because despite being told overwhelmingly NO you continue to insist it's the right thing to do.

After 6 years, you are still embarrassed and your pride damaged by the fact you were lied to and deceived. LET IT GO. shit happens, we've all believed someone's bollocks. Just get on with your life, you have a partner and children. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling the wife (other than your satisfaction of getting one over on him) and an awful lot to be lost. Reread the suicide post and move past your damaged pride.

Megifer · 18/05/2024 17:18

Definitely think counselling of some sort would be beneficial here.

CalishataFolkart · 18/05/2024 17:16

Ok, say you do this and nothing happens because unbeknownst to you, they have sorted all this out between them years ago. What then? Are you going to keep contacting her saying, “No but really, he’s bad, he told LIES!”

What if he never sees any consequences?

BoobyDazzler · 18/05/2024 17:16

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 17:14

The main reason to keep quiet is that it is convenient to do so for obvious reasons which I did all this time anyway. Deep down though I always questioned if it's right and I think it really wasn't . I have to make a decision soon.

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You could always think about it for another 6 years, or 12? Maybe 18?

Put it to bed and move on with your life.

archerzz · 18/05/2024 17:15

No, that would make you look SO pathetic!!

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:15

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:13

You think harbouring a deep anger and desire for revenge over a 12 week affair 6 years ago is healthy?

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That’s not what this is. That’s what you think it is, and I can’t change that.

BoobyDazzler · 18/05/2024 17:14

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 17:05

For certain she doesn't know as he is very good at telling believable lies.

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You have absolutly no idea what she does or doesn’t know. All sorts of things go on behind closed doors,

You say you’re happy but if you are why are you still giving any thought to someone you had a brief fling with years ago, even if you did get hurt? It isn’t normal to hold on to things for that long and as a previous poster mentioned, is unhealthy.

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:14

Freeme31 · 18/05/2024 17:13

Everyone is different i think you are someone who would want to know then make up your own mind what to do with the information so on that basis id say yes offer her the same courtesy you'd want. Hope this helps you decide.

Courtesy would have been telling her 6 years ago

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 17:14

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 17:07

OP, I think if you take nothing else from this thread then atnleast take note of the fact the overwhelming response is to keep quiet.

The main reason to keep quiet is that it is convenient to do so for obvious reasons which I did all this time anyway. Deep down though I always questioned if it's right and I think it really wasn't . I have to make a decision soon.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 18/05/2024 17:13

Everyone is different i think you are someone who would want to know then make up your own mind what to do with the information so on that basis id say yes offer her the same courtesy you'd want. Hope this helps you decide.

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 17:13

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:10

I know you don’t. And I’m glad you know that too. X

You think harbouring a deep anger and desire for revenge over a 12 week affair 6 years ago is healthy?

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