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Original poster

Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

283 replies

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 13:45

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

OP posts:
DontforgetyourSPF · 18/05/2024 20:01

Bigcat25 · 18/05/2024 19:33

If you do, I wouldn't do it unanimously. That would be horrible, not knowing if it was real, or a twisted game and no way to resolve.

You mean 'anonymously' ? Not unanimously.

DontforgetyourSPF · 18/05/2024 19:58

I thought 37F was a bra size at first.

Lifeomars · 18/05/2024 19:57

If, as you say, you have a happy and fulfilling life, why are you brooding about something that happened a fair while ago? This doesn't seem to be about a moral choice to me but a chance to make mischief. We all make mistakes and many of us have been taken in by people who lie. The best thing to do is forgive yourself, learn from it and move on.

DontforgetyourSPF · 18/05/2024 19:57

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 13:45

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

No.

I've not read all your posts but the answer is NO.

It will do no good and you may come out of it worse.

The messenger often gets shot.

Toooldforthisshit49 · 18/05/2024 19:56

Why now after all this time do you want to potentially blow up someones family? I get that you feel he's a liar and a cheat but too much water has gone under the bridge for you to contact his wife and what would you get out of doing it? Just be happy that you now have a happy life with someone else and leave well alone.

Greenturnip · 18/05/2024 19:55

coldcallerbaiter · 18/05/2024 17:33

I think she deserves to know and make her decision from there.

Exactly this!

Greenturnip · 18/05/2024 19:55

I seem to be of the minority but if I was the wife, I’d absolutely want to know

Greenturnip · 18/05/2024 19:54

twentysevendresses · 18/05/2024 13:53

Don't be ridiculous!

And what's with the '39F' business? 🤦‍♀️ This is Mumsnet not Reddit!

Get a grip 😂

MaryFuckingFerguson · 18/05/2024 19:54

You clearly haven’t moved on, but you need to. Don’t be spiteful and unkind. It won’t help you.

Aishah231 · 18/05/2024 19:45

You're getting a hard time on here and I'm not sure why OP. I don't think people understand someone wanting to do something just because they believe it's the right thing to do. I believe that's what you are doing. In my opinion I would say something as I would want to be told in the wife's situation. However you have no obligation to say anything and if you decide to stay quiet then don't feel guilty. This isn't your guilt it's his.

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/05/2024 19:38

After six years?? Of course not. If he shags around that much it's quite likely she knows anyway.

Bigcat25 · 18/05/2024 19:33

If you do, I wouldn't do it unanimously. That would be horrible, not knowing if it was real, or a twisted game and no way to resolve.

Bangwam1 · 18/05/2024 19:25

I’d personally want to know. You could save her decades of pain.

However, some people prefer a lie, and no good deed goes unpunished so keep that in mind.

MsCheeryble · 18/05/2024 19:19

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 15:27

Because everyone wants convenience obviously but the reality is noone should let people get away with this type of deception. If someone came to me randomly and said that my partner cheated on me then I have an obligation to myself first at least to investigate such a thing. Not sure still what I'm gonna do yet and how if I'm going to do anything at all.

But 6 years ago you thought he should get away with it. Nothing has really changed since then so far as you are concerned.

BasiliskStare · 18/05/2024 19:06

@OP "I'm not gonna do it as I don't want to cause any potential issues to my partner and daughter "

I agree with this for what it is worth Anon

CalishataFolkart · 18/05/2024 19:05

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 17:47

You don’t know what I want to do.

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Name change fail OP?

Noseybookworm · 18/05/2024 19:02

No. You don't know anything about this woman and she won't thank you for interfering. If he's a serial cheater, she will catch him out probably sooner rather than later. Just get on with your life. The past is the past.

Apolloneuro · 18/05/2024 18:55

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 18:12

For the 100th time... I am not after any benefit

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You are though. You want revenge. It’s blatantly clear that’s your motivation

BirthdayRainbow · 18/05/2024 18:45

This is one of the most spiteful plans I have read in a long time.

Keep your mouth shut.

Iloveyoubut · 18/05/2024 18:28

Mannyshy · 18/05/2024 18:16

The benefit would be you'd be smug at him being outed. Obviously there's a benefit to you or you'd move on 6 years down the line.

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I don’t think that’s always true. I’m still so angry thinking about an ex friend of mine who cheated so horribly on his partner. I ended the friendship but I still think about her and I still burn with rage sometimes for her. He didn’t obviously cheat with me and I wasn’t complicit in it but I still think about it and her not knowing and me knowing… it affects my conscience. I didn’t know what to do at the time other than end the friendship with him but years later I still feel upset for her.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 18:27

coupdetonnerre · 18/05/2024 18:21

It depends what you want to get out of it OP. What do you think you will achieve by approaching the wife now?

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I'm not gonna do it as I don't want to cause any potential issues to my partner and daughter

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 18/05/2024 18:25

If you would want to know or be told, then tell. If you are sure you wouldn’t want to know, then don’t.

I would want to know. I would tell. I would possibly do it anonymously but with enough proof to help the wife know for sure.

I think op is slightly scared of the man. And he might be confrontational

coupdetonnerre · 18/05/2024 18:21

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 18:16

Absolutely. He did and also did before they got married and didn't have a clue. To me he was claiming he that he was living with his mum every now and then when she was coming from Cyprus. And other lies not only to me. But I've decided not yo say anything because I'm thinking about my partner and my child and I don't want to jeopardise the life we have built for someone like him.

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It depends what you want to get out of it OP. What do you think you will achieve by approaching the wife now?

coupdetonnerre · 18/05/2024 18:17

twentysevendresses · 18/05/2024 13:53

Don't be ridiculous!

And what's with the '39F' business? 🤦‍♀️ This is Mumsnet not Reddit!

To be so triggered by how someone writes. Surely they can do what they want?

Mannyshy · 18/05/2024 18:16

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 18:12

For the 100th time... I am not after any benefit

Show quote history

The benefit would be you'd be smug at him being outed. Obviously there's a benefit to you or you'd move on 6 years down the line.