Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

It's very interesting to read the thread the OP wrote at the time (2018) where she calls the wife a "back-up plan". And reading that thread, it's clear how distressed she was then.

Not to mention the other thread where she talks about spying on an ex from behind a tree.

You have NO IDEA what the woman knows. People tend not to publicly broadcast their marriage troubles. There are issues in my marriage that my closest friends don't know about because it's none of their business, and the more people who know the more difficult it becomes to work out our issues between the two of us without other (well meaning) people interfering.

YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW THAT SHE DOESN'T ALREADY KNOW.

She may be telling people that her marriage is happy. It may not be. But she doesn't owe anyone any information on her private life. Most external people don't care and are only looking for a bit of titillating gossip.

Pop up 6 years later and you are going to look like the unhinged obsessed jealous ex.

It would be interesting if the OP could reframe this and post in Relationships in a different way.

'I need support. Six years ago I had a brief fling with a man who turned out to be married. I wish now I'd said something at the time when I found out but I didn't as I cared about his wife who was pregnant. Now, I find myself thinking about it all and wish I'd said something and indeed keep imagining I ought to.
I've been stalking him/ her and finding out about their lives all this time. How can I stop?'

FWIW OP, I have been in your situation. It was a longer relationship of a year. Long distance. I began to have my doubts- too many meetings cancelled last minute etc - and decided to go and see him where he lived 'alone' in his flat.

Yes, you've guessed. His wife was there. We had a discussion- the 3 of us. She said she had suspicions.
She said he had to choose. He chose her. That was 30 years ago and I know they are still together with grown up kids.

If I'd not dropped in on him would I have told her 6 years later when I discovered the truth?

No.

Oh yeah sorry... Thank you. Hmmm, pretty close to the age that my friend's son's girlfriend would be. 🤔

@SabreIsMyFave She gave her age in the first line of the first post.

37 F (female, not bra size.)

The truth always sets you free.

The truth is that:

a) you don't know the truth. You do not know what this woman knows or doesn't know and you don't know whether she'd want you to tell her.

b) people are allowed to make personal life decisions that you disagree with

c) this family is nothing to do with you and it's not your place to step in and disrupt it.

From the way you react to being told the above, it's plain that you wouldn't respect this woman's decision if you told her and she decided to stay anyway. That alone undermines the supposed reason for telling her - because you don't want her to do what's best for her, you want her to do what would satisfy you.

@DelythBeautyQueen · Today 00:19

We aren't missing the point. Most people have sussed out exactly why you want to destroy this young family. It's nothing to do with doing the right thing and everything to do with your obsession with a man who you can't bear to see with someone else. You are bent on revenge and it's not pretty.

Don't bother "explaining" again. We hear what you are saying and most of us don't believe you. Leave him and his family alone.

Exactly this I don't know why anybody is wasting their time responding to this OP, (or why she put this on AIBU.) She is not taking ANY criticism. All she wants to hear is 'yes OP! Go and fuck up that man's life! He deserves it, the bastard!'

People have given a lot of advice and yes, constructive criticism and tough love, and no-one has been 'nasty.' Yet the OP is calling people ridiculous and insane, and has just resorted to insults and out and out rudeness, towards people who are really just telling it like it is, and speaking the truth.

She is obsessed with this man. She hasn't got over him. It was 6 years ago. It was a 13 week fling 6 years ago and she clearly hasn't got over him. It's bizarre and it's ridiculous. And I find it really worrying that the OP can't see this. And each one of her posts gets more bizarre as she goes on. And as for 'investigating' to find out if the wife knows! OMG! Obsessed much!!! As I said though - I bet the wife won't believe her anyway.

About 20 years ago, I had a friend at that time (ex work colleague,) who's son was in his early 20s - and at the time had a girlfriend. She was 20 when he started dating her and they dated for 5 months. So yes, a little bit longer than the OP but not much. She actually became besotted and obsessed with him quite quickly to the point of being really OTT.

So he asked her to calm down and said he can't see her every single day and talk to her every single day, and they were only 20 and 23 and she was trying to move things too fast. She stopped the pill to try and get pregnant! (and didn't tell him.) But she did tell her friend who reported it back to the boyfriend (my friend's son.)

He instantly dumped her. They'd been together five months. This young woman stayed obsessed with him ... She would ring up and ask if she could pop to see her (my friend,) because she thought of her as a friend - and his sister as a friend. (Even though they didn't think of her as one!) And they had to say 'sorry but you and he are not together now, it's best you don't come around.' (He still lived there.)

She would follow him around, and keep ringing to speak to him. Even ringing around his friends to try to find him. She would sit in her car and just stare at his house. After a few times of doing this, he came out and told her to fuck off! He hadn't been nasty up to that point, but he had had enough. (This was 3-4 months after they finished.)

She ended up ringing taxis and pizzas and takeaways for him, and even called the Gas Board saying there was a gas leak, and phoned 999 to send fire engines and ambulances around. They told them they thought it was her, but at the time it was hard to prove. (It was around 2003 by now.)

And she followed him home from work too, and after about 8 months, she discovered he was dating another girl, and she started ringing HER up and saying 'I am fucking your boyfriend,' and then she would ring again and say 'you're a fucking slag!' And she started ringing her workplace telling them she had been stealing from them, and she rang HIS workplace and said he is shagging the boss's wife.. Again, nothing was done as there was no actual proof it was her. (They knew it WAS her, but proving it was something else!)

She became absolutely obsessed. In the end, after about a year, the police caught up with her, as they had some proof of something she had done. (After some investigations, CCTV caught her at a phone box calling an ambulance to his house in for him.) She got a Police Caution, and the shit she was doing stopped.

But even 2-3 years later, she was still stopping his sister and his mum in the street, asking how he was, and wanting to know where he is now and where he works. (He moved 15 miles away not long after the police got her, and he changed jobs.) They just told her to go away. This went on for several more years, (her stopping people he knows and asking about him.) Yep, even 5-6 years later, she was obsessed. No idea what happened to her as I left the area soon after and lost touch with this friend.

I don't know how old the OP is, but she sounds scarily like this young woman that dated my friend's son. Same pattern of obsession and hell bent on revenge.

Get help @Anon31483

Well I've been thinking about it on and off. Obviously I was living my life in the meantime and I was debating with myself if I should say anything.

For 6 years!

It's in the past. The time to say something was then.
If it wasn't right then because his wife was pregnant, how on earth can it be right now when they have two children?

You do understand that you're only one of many women (presumably) who were lied to?

And that some have already used their 'right' to tell her?

It doesn't make you a better person to tell her.

Just imagine you met her and told her to her face.
What if she laughed at you and said she knew, it was all water under the bridge and they'd moved on?

Because you don't know for certain that isn't what's happened.

You can't rely on what other people say to you. Some of them might be trying to protect you or even feed your need to tell her. Your friends, or whoever is helping your investigations are not neutral in any of this.

As a PP said, you can only see this from your perspective.
You aren't willing to consider either outcome - his wife knowing and laughing at you now, after 6 years, or the devastation you'd bring to her life.

You aren't choosing not to tell because of the 'risk' to your own family (that's a red herring) you're choosing the same thing you chose 6 years ago.

You need to work on accepting your own behaviour. If it was a bad decision then, own it and move on.

from what he told me himself
You mean the lying liar who lies told you?
I think the bottom line is, you feel stupid that you were duped by him and you can't let it go.

The woman doesn't know and that comes from some investigation

You are telling us that you have been "investigating" (presumably spying on, stalking, gossiping about) a woman you admit you don't know, simply because she is the wife of the man you are obsessed with six years after a brief, sordid scuttle?

We are supposed to believe that from the results of your investigation you "know" what she knows.

Can't you see that the level of your intrusion into this innocent woman's life is abnormal? You don't give a shit about her or her innocent children.

Your pretence that you care and are therefore morally superior to those of us who think you should get over your sick obsession with her husband is obscene.

There is nothing moral or good in what you want to do.

You came on here to ask if you are being unreasonable and then started insulting the 93% of people who tell you the truth you don't want to hear.

Your obsession with a man who chose to be with another woman and probably wishes he'd never met you, your proposal to destroy him and his family and your replies to those of us telling you the truth, are very unreasonable.

You asked. We've told you.

Get some help to deal with your unhealthy obsession and stop lying to yourself and other people.

The woman doesn't know and that comes from some investigation I did and from what he told me himself so to say that I don't know something when I was in the situation is indeed nonsense

So, you claim your understanding of his wife is based on what this known liar told you? How does that work?

Secondly, you "investigated" this woman instead of having the decency to speak openly to her. And before say you were fearful of what this man would do, I don't believe you. If he was a threat you wouldn't "investigate" his life or wife.

Thirdly these assumptions you made about his wife must be 6 years old, so are irrelevant to now.

And to justify your proposed actions with "Well it very much [my business] since he is the one that deceived me" shows that you have an entirely egocentric attitude.

I'll say again, I understand the devastation of deception. I bet lots of posters on this thread do. I have also noted that you have berated those who know of infidelity but don't speak out. But you haven't acknowledged that you did exactly that 6 years ago.

And that comes back to the fact that you seem only able to view the situation from your own perspective. Because you were a victim of this man's deception, you seem utterly unable to consider the perspective of his wife. He was responsible for cheating and lying to her. But you are responsible for your actions. I'm not saying you had a responsibility to tell her, I'm just reflecting your statements about other people not speaking out.

You haven't engaged in any discussion about her feelings and how massively more complex it is 6 years and 2 children down the line. You simply say "you wouldn't want to live a lie"

You haven't for a moment considered any opinion other than your own as valid. And the intensity of feeling you still have is not healthy.

Please, take stock. Reflect. Ask why your threads get such such a majority of posters vehemently disagreeing with you.

I know you've said you are not going to contact her but this thread really has exposed how unresolved your feelings are.

The truth can set you free.

absolutely, but it’s the truth you choose to face that’s meant in this.

You’re playing god, that’s not on.

give thanks to god that you found out so quickly, and that you aren’t the poor soul married to him.

many of these messages ARENT meant to me insulting, they’re incredulous

you can’t possibly know what she knows or doesn’t know. If he’s as bad as you think he is, something WILL have come out, one of her friends perhaps and they can tell her and support her.

you seagulling her - swooping in and shitting all over the place - won’t help her at all. You can’t help/save everyone.

You actually CAN and you SHOULD let it go.

You didn’t do anything wrong, he lied to you. It was 3m out of your life.

move on. This isn’t your business and it’s not your job to police others.

forgive yourself and send positive thoughts to his wife. Do nothing more, no notes, no contact, no anonymous messages.

leave it.

The time to speak up was at the time.

The ship has long since sailed, and you'd definitely do a lot more harm than good.

Why did you come here asking a question?
You asked if what you were doing now was 'right'.

And then you've spent hours of your life trying to justify why you did nothing 6 years ago. But you're wondering now if that was right then.

The majority of posters have said leave it yet you keep arguing with us.

What's happened since? Something has triggered going back over it all.

You have a partner now and a child.
Why are you wasting hours of your life thinking about revenge on a man you knew for 12 weeks?

Your energy should be in the present not the past.

I thought you weren't going to reply to what you thought were 'insulting' comments?

You see, your behaviour here is the same as with this man.
You keep picking at the scab. You can't leave it.
You're full of anger and can't accept the many sensible comments.

You can't take criticism.

It's no wonder you're still feeling aggrieved over being lied to by him.

Also, if he is a serial cheater, maybe some of the other women have got there before you and told his wife?

It's highly unlikely that, if he can't keep it in his trousers, and this has gone on for years, his wife doesn't know.

Your excuse that you don't want to upset your home life now by telling, is just an excuse.

How would your current partner even know?

All you'd need to do was make anonymous contact with the wife. (And you said in your previous posts that it would be anonymous.)

You're far too involved in their lives- stalking him, knowing about his other affairs, knowing where he lives, how many kids he has.

It's sad and you need help.

You still don't get it, although I'm starting to see why you're so obsessed...I don't think you want him back, I think you're just angry that someone else might make a different choice to you and still be happy, hence all the silly attempts at moralising ("sorry you aren't as great a human as me", in essence).

Their marriage and family are nothing to do with you. Neither she nor anyone else is obliged to make the decision you would make, even if it does make them inferior to you. We don't make our major life decisions based on what someone who has absolutely nothing to do with it says they would do.

He deceived you; your job is to stop accepting his deception, which you've done, and the rest is nothing to do with you. Stop with all the "sorry you wouldn't make my noble decision" crap because whether it's true or not, it doesn't matter. People are not obliged to live by your worldview. The family of the man you briefly shagged six years ago is nothing to do with you.

I know you're not going to do anything, but I think it's still important that you understand the real reason why you shouldn't - because it is not your job to police him, his family or his wife's decisions (and you don't even know what she's aware of).

It is nothing to do with you!!

people disagreeing with you is not insulting at all.

it was a fling. No matter how much you keep saying but this is why it wasn’t, regardless of him saying he what he did, it was a fling. The entire definition of a fling is when two people have a brief relationship. This is one of them.
The very fact you refuse to accept this speaks volumes. You are not over him. You haven’t moved on fully.

You keep saying that’s you don’t want to live a lie as that’s not you. Except that is you. You this kept this lie for 6 years. So yes you do want to live a lie, otherwise you would have said something 6 years ago.

all this shows you is that many people would have said something at the time. All this shows is many people would have wanted to have been told at the time.

I’m sorry you can’t see that, I’m sorry that you’ve convinced yourself that you were right to keep the lie 6 years ago and keep it going. I’m sorry that you clearly haven’t moved on.

how do you know she doesn’t know now, unless you are stalking him then you have no clue what she knows after 6 years.

Are you going to still be thinking about this over the next 6 years? If so that should tell you everything you need to know about yourself.

You keep trying to take the moral high ground yet all you're doing is digging a deeper hole for yourself!

For the last time (as you like to say!) it's not that people have lower standards or like to 'live a lie' .

It's that we can see someone who's still obsessed with a 12 week fling with a bloke 6 years ago and isn't over him.

She's investigated what he's been doing, knows he has more children.

What does that say about you OP?

I bet you're unhappy with your current partner because all you do is obsess over something you've lost. The 'justice' part is a red herring. You're just mad that you were lied to and seem to think you can police this man's life forever.

Honestly, if you can't take honest replies here, stop posting.

None of your business.