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Original poster

Should I speak to the wife 6 years later?

283 replies

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 13:45

I 37F was with someone 39M for 3 months when I found out he was married with a kid on the way. I found out it wasn't the first time he cheated during their relationship either. He cheated also before they got married. The guy is a compulsive liar. The reason I didn't speak then was that his wife was pregnant with their kid and I didn't want to cause any harm. Now I found out they had a second kid who is one. I myself moved on of course and my own kid.

However my conscience has been eating me up all these years. Should I speak up anonymously?

OP posts:
SquashPenguin · 18/05/2024 15:14

You would achieve precisely nothing by doing this. Just leave it. What do you honestly think would happen? “Oh wow thanks for telling me!”? More likely she’ll think you’re a head case and tell you to leave her the fuck alone.

If you’re still thinking about this then you aren’t over him.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 15:11

She definitely doesn't know. I'll see what I'm gonna do I have nor decided yet.

OP posts:
DelythBeautyQueen · 18/05/2024 15:00

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:42

I dont think you understand. I don't want him or have feelings for him. Obviously if he does this on a regular basis he is used to it. I dont care if he gives me a second or a third thought. I'm just wondering what is right. Obviously I know that not speaking up is the most convenient thing to do but it doesn't make it right.

Would you be so invested in his life and marriage if you didn't feel anything for him?

Many men (and some women) cheat on their spouses. Would you feel the same compulsion to get involved if it wasn't him?

Do you think his wife wants anything to do with a woman he had an affair with him six years ago (albeit not realising he was married)? Don't you think she would be suspicious of your motives for tracking their marriage for six years and then dropping a bombshell like that?

Stop telling yourself you would be doing a good thing by contacting this woman. You wouldn't and whatever your true motives, you would come across as bitter and jealous.

Concentrate on your own life and leave him and his family alone. That would be the right thing to do.

theonlygirl · 18/05/2024 14:59

It was 6 years ago, for 3 months. Either she knows what he's like or won't believe you. Leave it alone.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:58

Well there is an element of that as well as I don't like that I let it go without any consequences as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:55

I dont need counselling. My question is more from the moral point of view. I dont know if they had counselling . What I know is that back then she was blissfully ignorant and likely it has stayed that way.

So ye I do think about this from time to time as it was a bad situation and not to be taken lightly.

OP posts:
GaspingGekko · 18/05/2024 14:52

I mean, you didn't speak up then because she was pregnant. Instead you have waited until she has 2 children with this sleazebag and now you want to say something?

This comes across very much as wanting to deal with your own feelings of guilt (and your desire for him to be punished) and not as though you actually care about her at all. At least be honest to yourself about that.

And I'm another one who's not a fan of the reddit (misogynistic cess pit) language being used here.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 18/05/2024 14:49

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:33

Because I let someone walk away without consequences and also lead on a pregnant woman and me and who knows who else. The guy is a pathological liar and even lied about his health to gain my sympathy. I have been wondering from time to time if I did really the right thing

But why are you thinking about him so much?

You ended the relationship. The rest of it is none of your business.

I think there is something unhealthy about wanting to interfere in someone else's life. It might be a good idea to get some counselling - not to find out whether you should say something because you absolutely should not, but to understand why you are thinking about this so many years later.

CalishataFolkart · 18/05/2024 14:45

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:42

I dont think you understand. I don't want him or have feelings for him. Obviously if he does this on a regular basis he is used to it. I dont care if he gives me a second or a third thought. I'm just wondering what is right. Obviously I know that not speaking up is the most convenient thing to do but it doesn't make it right.

Do you know for certain that he has never confessed?
Do you know for certain that they haven’t had counselling and resolved it between them?
Do you know for certain that he is still cheating and putting his family at risk?

Unless the answer to all three is “Yes” leave well alone.

Chickpea17 · 18/05/2024 14:43

No

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/05/2024 14:43

No. It’s too late now.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:42

I dont think you understand. I don't want him or have feelings for him. Obviously if he does this on a regular basis he is used to it. I dont care if he gives me a second or a third thought. I'm just wondering what is right. Obviously I know that not speaking up is the most convenient thing to do but it doesn't make it right.

OP posts:
DelythBeautyQueen · 18/05/2024 14:39

After six years you need to get over him.

He's obviously over you and whatever kind of cheating bastard he might be, he is still married to his wife. I doubt he gives you a second thought. You will just come across as jealous and bitter if you try to interfere with their lives now.

Stop tracking his life and concentrate on your own. Only then will you be able to forget him and move on.

takemeawayagain · 18/05/2024 14:36

Only tell her if you have undeniable evidence. Otherwise you're just making her life into a head fuck where she doesn't know what's true.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:33

Because I let someone walk away without consequences and also lead on a pregnant woman and me and who knows who else. The guy is a pathological liar and even lied about his health to gain my sympathy. I have been wondering from time to time if I did really the right thing

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 18/05/2024 14:32

You did the right thing at the time, and you should of done something then, but you haven't there two kids deep, leave it

Arlanymor · 18/05/2024 14:32

Why though? There’s lots of unsaid things I would like to say to a range of people but I don’t because of a combination of time having passed, not wanting to rake over old coals, not wanting to upset or offend.

I can’t see how this would help the wife in any way. Let this sleeping dog lie.

TeaandScandal · 18/05/2024 14:31

You haven’t moved on at all, op.
You need to.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 18/05/2024 14:31

Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:28

Well, the reason I didn't speak then was because she was pregnant. I'm not sure if I'll do it and honestly I don't think like she knew anything at all as he was a very good liar.

But why are you thinking about doing this?

It was years ago, you say you have moved on - what on earth would be the point?

Look to your own life and focus your energy there.

Original poster
Anon31483 · 18/05/2024 14:28

Well, the reason I didn't speak then was because she was pregnant. I'm not sure if I'll do it and honestly I don't think like she knew anything at all as he was a very good liar.

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 18/05/2024 14:07

Nope. The horse has well and truly bolted. If you speak up now, not only will she probably not believe you, her husband will likely love the fact you're still thinking about him six years later.

CorylusAgain · 18/05/2024 14:03

No.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2024 13:55

Good god no. Don't be daft.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 18/05/2024 13:55

If he's a cheat and a compulsive liar then she probably already knows.

If you don't feel like saying anything 6 years ago then you definitely shouldn't say anything now. You say you've moved on. Maybe you haven't moved on as much as you think.

SheepAndSword · 18/05/2024 13:54

Nope