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Original poster

To be sick of DH being hyper critical of DD

64 replies

Greenroof · 18/05/2024 10:50

DD 15 is quite different to my DH. She lounges around and needs lots of quiet time and spends a lot of time in PJs. I’d like her to be more ‘up and at em’ but at the end of the day, she is who she is.

She goes to school, does an activity and although she can be rude at times, she’s not a bad kid. If anything, my worry is that she doesn’t socialise enough.

My DH is just endlessly critical of her - she’s spending too much time in PJs, she’s eating rubbish, she’s in her bed too long, she’s too rude , she isn’t out enough etc etc . It’s mostly to me but I am getting utterly sick of it. This morning she had a shower and got into some fresh PJs and plans to dry her hair, get dressed and take the dog for a walk.

DH just saw her get into PJs and is immediately jumping on it saying she shouldn’t be in PJs , lacks motivation etc

It’s exhausting and I feel I am the only one to see the the good in her, does any one else have this situation?

OP posts:
Mindblownawaybyfog · 18/05/2024 11:26

How about start referring to him as a bully? Which he is. Your dd will be out the door with a bag packed at the earliest opportunity if he doesn't stfu.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/05/2024 11:26

Would he be less likely to kick off if she were wearing casual/loungewear rather than pyjamas during the day? They're comfortable as well, but could convince him that she isn't being 'lazy' whilst she still has exactly the same amount of downtime.

Original poster
Greenroof · 18/05/2024 11:24

@Begsthequestion The other 2 are very different to my DD. Much easier characters and sporty and social. They are rarely criticised

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenroof · 18/05/2024 11:23

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I completely agree with you. I can’t understand why he cannot see different ways of being.

@OmuraWhale His parents weren’t critical , very supportive in fact, but all the children 7 children did the same thing - same activities, broadly the same degrees etc. I think he expected it to be the same in our house and I just don’t think that’s how life works. His family are quite unique- not in a good or bad way, just unique

OP posts:
BigGlassHouseWithAView · 18/05/2024 11:21

Greenroof · 18/05/2024 11:16

@BigGlassHouseWithAView I think the rudeness is sometimes just in response to the endless nit picking and then sometimes she is being bratty which I pick her up on .

She could work harder in school, we have a job there - she is 3 years off her ‘leaving cert’ (in Ireland) and I am confident with our help and encouragement that she will do well. I think she needs to grow up a bit as well

Tbh, if someone was nit picking at me, I’d be rude. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing much wrong except to not be exactly like your DH. Well she isn’t him and his way isn’t the only way to be so he needs to get on board with that.

Begsthequestion · 18/05/2024 11:21

I grew up with a very critical father, and it was horrendous for my self esteem and caused me a lot of emotional problems. Is he critical in the same way towards your other kids? If not, then that will only compound her loss of confidence, being singled out as a 'bad' kid.

Please do try to protect her from this and get through to him somehow.

Original poster
Greenroof · 18/05/2024 11:16

@BigGlassHouseWithAView I think the rudeness is sometimes just in response to the endless nit picking and then sometimes she is being bratty which I pick her up on .

She could work harder in school, we have a job there - she is 3 years off her ‘leaving cert’ (in Ireland) and I am confident with our help and encouragement that she will do well. I think she needs to grow up a bit as well

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/05/2024 11:14

He sounds like an absolute dick. Children need rest in their lives. They need to relax.

Also he needs to take into account different personality types - some people are extrovert “up and at ‘em” types who want to be out there doing something at all times. Some people are not like that - they are introverts who need alone time to recharge, or have different body rhythms etc. She’s not wrong for being different to him.

Being rude isn’t good, but maybe she feels pushed to her limits?

Original poster
Greenroof · 18/05/2024 11:13

This is my concern @Newnamesameoldlurker, I worry that his constant negativity will just destroy any relationship they might have as he can’t see beyond what he thinks it’s right. Different personality types don’t seem to count for anything

Good idea on the parenting book

@Devilshands We do have quite different approaches now that they are older. When younger it was the same - plenty of exercise , activity, socialising etc. Good meals, family time , homework done straight after school.

It’s now they have a mind of their own that they are diverging. My DH feels everyone should be busy, out, active, diligent etc. That’s how he was and that’s how he was parented. He seems unable to accept any alternative

I was different, not quite like DD, but less structured and was parented in a much looser way. We have broadly achieved to similar levels , although I far out earn my DH as I think that over structured parenting did him no favours in the workplace.

However DD1 is very different to our other kids, has dyspraxia and emotionally is probably struggling quite so can be quite difficult. I don’t like to see her sitting around either but I’m aware that some people need this more than others. She is very keen to get a part time job once she hits 16 and to put in context she came home at 6.30 4 evenings this week after supervised study. I think DH is caught in a negative spiral where seeing her in her PJs or on her phone is almost triggering him and he’s constantly criticising

OP posts:
OmuraWhale · 18/05/2024 11:06

I'm with you OP. DD sounds like a basically good kid and your DH needs to accept that we're all different and love her for who she is.

Is he replicating his own upbringing? Were his parents quite critical?

BigGlassHouseWithAView · 18/05/2024 11:03

The rudeness isn’t ok but pick your battles and all that.

As for the rest, as long as she’s going to school, doing homework, getting outside sometimes, which it sounds like she is, then he needs to leave her alone.

One of my kids needs a lot of downtime. It’s who she is and I wouldn’t stand for anyone picking at her or me for it.

People are different. Tell him to stop.

Nouvellenovel · 18/05/2024 11:01

Many if not most teens feel exhausted. Their bodies are undergoing great physical and emotional changes.

If your dd is not neglecting her studies and is a well behaved dc generally then your dh needs to back off a bit.

I can remember family ‘walks’ at the weekend as a teen, I hated them.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/05/2024 10:59

Hmm it's a tricky one. It doesn't sound like it's affecting her if he voices it to you rather than her. But its draining for you to listen to this if he's not willing to be proactive about it- it's sounds like he's framing this as a problem for you to fix? I would say to him look if this bothers you then read a book about parenting teens and try out some motivational tactics but don't keep moaning to me about it. Definitely agree he should also be trying to look for the good in her or their relationship will deteriorate

Devilshands · 18/05/2024 10:57

I don't think it's a matter of your DD being different...it sounds more like you just have different parenting styles. You're more laid back and relaxed and fine with her lounging around and being a tad 'rude at times'...and your DH is far stricter and wants her to be out doing things.

I can see both sides. I'm more inclined to your DH's side, but that being said I wouldn't just moan about it - I'd speak to DD and try and motivate her to be a bit more active and socialise because, tbh, it sounds like there is an issue. Sitting inside with 'quiet time' is all well a good but day in/day out it's not really healthy at her age and if you're worried about her not being social, you should try and speak to her rather than letting her be.

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