To be sick of DH being hyper critical of DD

Can I read that back to you in my words and ask if it resonates?

“DD’s behaviour triggers something about his own childhood that he is unable to acknowledge or discuss. Therefore he tries to get her back into a non-triggering box for him, even to the extent that he will trash his relationship with her rather than deal with himself.”

Nobody likes to think they would sacrifice their own child to their issues- but a lot of people do.
Can you discuss this at all in a wider forum, among friends with similar aged or older kids, or is this something to be ‘kept private’ (hidden)?

Sounds like your is DH is clueless about parenting a teenager.

Is you daughter struggling to socialise and make friends?;is she open to a cadets type group or if there's one in your area a woodcraft folk group if cadets wouldn't be her thing.

I did woodcraft folk as a teenager and my four all do/have done cadets;if was a good experience.

He seems hyper focused on what she's wearing, which (like any excessive focus on appearance) can be really uncomfortable, from a teen girl's perspective. Does he perhaps not understand (1) how many times your average 15yo will change clothes, and how quickly and (2) that PJs are a much more mainstream choice than in the past? As long as she's dressing reasonably when going out, does it really matter if she's in PJs at home?

If he thinks she isn't active enough, is he inviting her along on active outings with him on a regular basis - for example, a game of tennis or a walk or bike ride or swim or even a planned weekend day out hiking or climbing - whatever they'd both enjoy? She might not accept - and she certainly won't if she sees it as another opportunity for him to have a go at her - but I'd be very unimpressed with his critiques if he isn't at least doing this.

It’s going to feel damaging to have a parent who fundamentally wishes she was somebody else. The first step for your DH needs to be love and acceptance of your daughter. Then he can maybe communicate with her about getting more enjoyment out of life. Right now this is definitely a him problem, I think. He’s got no right to ask her to do anything to bolster his self image.

He's a nasty bully. She's a teenage girl trying to relax in her own home. If he carries on like this she will not want to see him when she grows up. And he's likely to destroy her self-esteem. Stick up for your DD against this vile man.

Has she been assessed for autism? There’s a few signs that could be ASD in what you’ve said and it often goes hand in hand with ADHD and dyspraxia.

Your husband needs to back off.

Your 'd' h should leave her be. He sounds likw very hard work tbh. I'd hate someone to bw nit picking me in my own home.

It partly depends on his motivation. Is he concerned because he thinks she is having problems with physical or mental health, because he can’t see that she has different preferences? Or is it that he would like to have a more active, popular, conventionally successful daughter? The latter is absolutely not okay.

If he’s criticising her directly or within her hearing and/or ‘picking’ at her, that’s not on. It will get her and others in the household down.

Since you and he disagree about any ‘house rules’, around screen time, daywear, whatever, suggest you seek to agree on a small number, and how to approach them with DD. Also that he will not add to those or speak negatively about other things to DD or within hearing of the DC - when outside your home, or DC are not around.

If he won’t be reasonable with you about it and/or is full of’ she should / you should…….’ without doing anything constructive himself (eg teen parenting ideas) then as they say here you do indeed have a DH problem.

Why are you allowing him to do this? Tell him you will not stand back and listen to criticising your child any longer! She's doing sports several times a week and school, she's absolutely fine the way she is. It's crap that she can't be comfortable relaxing in her own home.

I have a Teenager exactly like yours. I hate the lying around all day in bed in pyjamas but that’s how they want to spend their free time. All they have done this morning is complain how tired they are. I said we can go out later for some fresh air but I won’t push it as they probably won’t want to. I find it really hard and I don’t think it’s good for them tbh but as they get older you can’t battle about it.

He is bullying his own daughter who has some form of disability or extra need.... this is not ok at all and you need to protect her from his awful behaviour. He isn't parenting at all, he is picking at her over things that are most likely intrinsically part of who she is. What a horrible man.

I'm sorry to hear that she is struggling. Can you help in any way? Maybe have her friends over to hang out? Or suggest easy outings/activities she could do with some of them?

To be honest, that makes her dad's nitpicking even worse. Him pointing out how different,lazy etc. she is won't help with her self esteem and her doubts.

Poor kid.

My DD is the same, only she’s studying when at home. Doesn’t socialise or do any activities. DS is the exact opposite and plays a lot of sport and is president of his Uni society. They are who they are and I’d tell your DH to zip it

Oh dear. I mean, good for them, but not for her, if she is being compared negatively to them in any way.

It took me years to realise the damage done from being forced into the identity of the 'bad child' of the family. I'm still getting over it now as a grown adult. I wasn't even bad like causing my parents trouble or anything. Just a depressed kid with undiagnosed ADHD, who was hyper and emotional as a child, and as a teen struggled to get organised and moving, and couldn't sleep and so woke up late often. So I feel for your DD.

For your daughter's sake you must stick up for her.

I agree with you op. That said I wouldn’t be impressed with the day pyjama thing (that’s just me) Day pyjamas mean that even if she nips to the local shop she’ll have to change . It sets the expectation for the day. So I would encourage her to get dressed in day - comfy sportswear would do. Then she looks like she could go somewhere. Bonus points for it being later in the day before dh realises she’s not going anywhere!

I wonder if dh is contributing to her lack of motivation. It is incredibly demotivating to constantly be picked at. It means sue is spending a lot of emotional energy dealing with those feelings and receiving the message she isn’t enough.it will be affecting her self esteem and consequently her ability to actually be her best. It’s already having an effect on her schooling op- you and dh are kidding yourself if you think otherwise. I was the dc in this situation . It took 30 yrs to be confident in my abilities.

Who cares whether he’d be convinced by that. She’s can wear what she likes and shouldn’t have to change what she wears because he has some messed up thinking.

No way my kids have to dress a certain way in their own home to placate someone. What on Earth?

Is your DD happy with her lifestyle?

Does she have friends she could hang out with , just chooses not to?

Does she have any hobbies/interests (not necessarily active ones)?

Your DH is being a dick and needs to accept that DD is her own person not an extension of him /his family. Nitpicking at her won't motivate her, just ruin their relationship.

However, I would still make sure everything is ok with your DD ,for her own wellbeing.