To think if you’ve not bothered with the couple in pregnancy, you shouldn’t expect to the see the baby in the first couple of weeks?

Those who say ‘I can’t wait for cuddles, I’m going to be first in the queue,’ but other than saying stuff like that just don’t bother to ask you how you are at all in pregnancy… ugh.

Surely if they’re saying things like this then you must be having some form of communication with them.

Unless you are saying that you announced your pregnancy, they said these things at the time and then ignored you since?

If you don’t want them there don’t have them there. Pregnancy is special - for the parents. For the rest of us not so much. Depends how much special attention you need.

To me it's a bit much expecting the parents to prioritise someone that they have no prior good relationship with themselves just because they want a relationship with the baby.

Pregnancy is a condition not a disease. People don't all start fawning over us and taking a sudden interest just because we're pregnant.

Exactly. The people who are outraged that they can’t see the brand new baby straight away when mum is recovering are hardly going to be the ones she turns to when baby is older and she needs help. Mums remember who was supportive and these are her ‘village’.

However I think the reality is most reasonable relatives understand. Luckily I didn’t have to deal with the above situation and when I asked for a bit more time, my extended family understood. Shockingly, I wasn’t called a princess or told I was using the baby as a pawn!

Yes, they might offer to have the child occasionally, come to parties, have a relationship with the child as a Paterson in their own right.

Same people moaning are those who'd moan if nobody gave a shit. It's all a bit controlling and attention seeking tbh

Is someone who can only be bothered with you when there's a new baby likely to become part of your "village" of helpers?

Make your pregnancy as precious and your baby as exclusive as you like but you'd be a fool to impose such a stupid rule. Do you need help during your pregnancy? If so, ask!

Parents generally need and want support and they want people to be interested in their child(ren). Turn yourself into a self-styled celeb if you want but don't be surprised when there is limited interest afterwards. Your choice entirely.

In all honesty they probably don’t want to come but feel like they have to because they’re family and you’ve got a new baby. Just tell them no- they would likely be relieved.

Sounds like you’re projecting your own issues on to the op. Get a grip, women who’ve just had a baby are perfectly entitled to put boundaries in place, and have expectations of others remembering she still exists as an individual whilst pregnant and just after giving birth. The father’s role is to support her fully in this. No one is ‘withholding’ a baby, a newborn isn’t an object to be fawned over. The only important thing in those first couple of weeks is for mum and baby to be close and both well cared for however that looks to them. So yes you can wait.

Goodness me what a nasty post. Have you genuinely had this experience in real life? OP didn’t say she wanted to be treated like a princess, she said she would have liked a simple ‘how are you?’ text. There is a pretty big difference.

Also I think the OP is making the point that the family can’t be that close if they haven’t been in touch for the best part of a year before the baby arrives, so they could give her a chance to get settle before they visit. She is not saying they will never meet the baby- just not straight away. Yes it is nice for extended family to meet new baby but why does that have to happen in the first couple of weeks when mum is recovering and baby is at their most vulnerable?

All of what OP said sounds reasonable to me.

Quite.

I've just had a baby but I agree with you!

I think most people don’t actually care about you being pregnant, nor do they care about your baby. However it is generally socially expected to say “cute baby”, when can I see them.

You will find during pregnancy and maternity leave, when you can’t socialise like you used to, that you have far fewer people who care than you thought.

@Ocadoshoppingjustarrived , I know, one must be so privileged to meet the little messiah !

This. It was nice seeing people when I had my children, but I’m sure they just rocked up with a little gift, and to ooh and ahh, more out of friendship or family duty.

Pregnancies usually only affect the parents to be, and maybe very close family.

Most people aren't particularly interested.🤷‍♀️

OR, isn't it lovely how the birth of a baby brings people together and gives you an excuse to reconnect with friends and family you haven't seen for a while.

I moved away so rarely see my aunties these days. I was delighted when the one I love came to see my baby, and fully understood when the one I... Love less came

So true @Ocadoshoppingjustarrived

I wonder if anyone on here is old enough to remember when having a baby was regarded as a normal family event and everyone was happy for the new family then got on as normal, probably with help/support from parents and inlaws?

Now it seems that from conception, a lot of time is spent plotting ways to control the family by using the baby - who the parents seem to think the world is gagging to meet - as a pawn.

The pregnant woman must he treated like a princess at all times and everything she says has to be acted on immediately. The father is not important and his only role is to agree with everything she says and be rude to anyone who steps out of line

Once baby is here, the world must wait to meet the new messiah and only on the mother's terms. Any descenters will be dealt with by not being allowed to meet the baby.

Withholding the baby because the relatives have not made enough fuss of the pregnant woman - l've heard it all now.

I understand what you are saying op, it can be very tough after a birth particularly if you had a traumatic one and the last thing you want are people you don’t keep in touch with appearing right after the birth. I know not all are like this but I did feel very obliged to be welcoming after my first and try entertain. It genuinely stressed me out and slowed my recovery from what was a tough experience anyway. Subsequent babies I left it that I postponed anyone we were not close with and it made a colossal difference both times. We were all so relaxed and in a little bubble! I have vivid memories of getting home after baby number one after a forceps birth and going back to my mums house to stay with my partner and the baby, totally shell shocked after the baby being in intensive care and me being in a dreadful way, and my mum inviting all her friends and our family over after I only walked in the door . I had gone straight up to bed because I was exhausted from no sleep, and in a lot of pain and a distant uncle appeared at the door and sat at the end of my bed for a catch up and to hold the baby🤦‍♀️ he was the first in i think ten visitors that night, none were close to me just my mums inner circle as such. needless to say, although thankfully not needing to as subsequent births were fine for the most part, I never enlisted my mums help again😂 you are most definitely not unreasonable op and I do agree with previous posters that say your baby your choice and people you are not close to can meet baby whenever you are ready! I think having a baby is a bit different to birthdays and funerals and weddings as they are (with the exception of funerals of course) generally more planned and there may not have been as much stress and health issues prior as pregnancy and then on top of what may or may not have been a smooth pregnancy you are up so much with feeds and trying to recover. Some ladies cruise through and are happy to entertain anyone knocking but it’s absolutely fine to not want to do that straight away!

I think your expectations are off the scale. Do you spend a lot of time online?

My pregnancies and those of my friends passed in exactly the same way as a “normal” 9 months. We saw family/ friends for lunch, dinner, weekends but at the same level as pre-pregnancy. I would have found it downright odd if distant relatives had started contacting me more frequently just because I was pregnant.

That said of course close friends/ family congratulated me after the birth and got invites to come and visit, I think after the first week apart from mum etc who came sooner. And if more distant friends or family had been in my area they would also have been invited to visit after the first week or so. I just don’t see how weaponising a baby helps anyone really.

If they’re your friends, why wouldn’t you want to see them? Your baby isn’t a prize FFS, if you haven’t reached out to them in the whole time you’ve been pregnant, why do you expect them to reach out to you? Although they obviously have reached out to you or you wouldn’t be moaning that they want to see your baby once it’s born. They probably don’t even care about meeting it, they just say it to be nice.

Isn’t it a nice thing that people want to meet your baby? And don’t you want to show your baby off?
I don’t think it’s necessary to make a drama out of this.
Ive found that usually the baby’s grandparents and aunts and uncles come to see the baby within the first couple of days, but no one else really cares whether they see the baby straight away or after a few weeks or months.
Meeting the baby is not a reward or punishment , don’t weaponise them.

But, gently, they don’t want to see your baby. Babies are really, really boring. They’re being nice. They are literally doing the thing you want, so stop being such a weirdo.

I don't relate to this but that doesn't mean your view isn't valid.

I think the norm for me for extended family I didn't see often was I got a congrats text when they found out and then when the baby was born it was a natural opportunity to see them. I think mainly because we love each other but also there's an element that it's sort of a polite thing to do on both sides, I guess.

But then neither I or they are high maintenance...we are just 'normal'. I know that me being pregnant is a bigger deal for me than it is for them, I know they'd quite like to see the baby, they know that I might need space and wouldn't push a visit until I was ready. This is absolutely how I think it 'should' be. The issue comes when one or both parties doesn't think like the above. Thankfully that isn't my experience.

Yabu. Did you reach out too as it goes both ways. Also it's what people say to be polite. I suspect they won't bother. The baby only matters to you and your husband and close family. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy