To say no to DSD coming on holiday

I'm really sorry, but if she hasn't been to your house in 7 weeks, then something has gone wrong. She's 15 and being bratty comes with the territory But why does she never want to spend time with her dad?
And to be fair, you must be saving a fortune in never having her round. My teens would eat me out of house and home.

Has your DH actually bought her a Canada Gosose jacket for a summer holiday? If so, more fool him. She gets the same as everyone else spent on her and that's that. If she doesn't go away, the clothes get returned. Keep the tags on.
If he has been stupid enough to buy her whatever she's asked for then you have a DH problem, not a DSD problem.

Your husband is the one not parenting her. Your beef is with him, so leave him at home.

You lost me with the puffer jacket for a summer holiday. You’re both being unreasonable in facilitating this madness and allowing her to get to this level of behaviour. Of course she can’t have hundreds spent on her and be disrespectful and swear at your DH and still expect to be treated?

You can say no

Step-parents can’t usually say no, if the child’s own parents will not.

My DD1 was horrific at 15 real nightmare. She was similar on holiday and with demands. You can say no.
Now she's an absolutely wonderful 22yr old person and I have a really amazing relationship with her.
Good thing I didn't just throw her away when she was difficult eh. But she's not yours right so it's ok....

You could buy only a selection of the clothes she demands - those suitable for the holiday. You don't have to give in to all her demands.

I assume she's doing GCSE's at the moment so I can understand your DH wanting to give her a holiday but you don't need to go with them. Or you could book a villa for two weeks and ask her along for one week. Expect her to want to spend time alone - she's a moody teen, but take no notice. Get on with enjoying your holiday with your children.

I think she’s 15 and being a bit of a dick as many 15 year olds are. She can’t see further than herself at the moment. Another few years might sort it out and I wouldn’t want to throw down a gauntlet that might jeopardise a nice future relationship.

I stopped going away with DSC for similar reasons. You can't not invite her, but you can step back from holidays. DH takes them alone now. I've spent 8 years giving my all to those children, I'm not spending my precious annual leave being moaned at. Protect your own sanity OP it's the only thing you can control!

I think you tell dh you're not prepared to go on holiday with him and his dd unless he agrees to set boundaries around her behaviour so she doesn't spoil the holiday for the rest of you. And she needs to sit down with you and dh and hear him explain this in advance so she can choose to come on holiday, or stay at home. If she won't participate in this then she's chosen not to come. Not a punishment, her choice.
Clothes budget - surely she gets the same as her brother to spend?

Just seen the comment about the jacket.

Well tbh more fool your DH.

He's taught her she can behave this way and make ridiculous demands and have them met.

He lets her text/speak to him rudely.

I'd say this issue is more about your DH's parenting than your DSD's behaviour tbh.

I would say there is a budget for holiday clothes and that is all you are buying. Similar budget for all DC (may need extra for older as clothes may be more expensive but not designer clothes)

Sounds like the problem is with your DH, because most sensible parents wouldn't entertain the huge clothes list.

But blended families can be complicated and we don't know how she feels about her dad and the divorce/subsequent new families etc.

She's possibly angry and resentful over some things and this is how she shows it, but that doesn't mean your DH should let her treat you all like this.

Obviously you can't stop him taking her away though.

I don't think YABU but there will be the usual contingent making you the wicked step mother.

New clothes for a holiday is fine (though the designer brands are imho excessive), the problem here is the wider context.

Part of good parenting is teaching that actions have consequences.

What she's doing is essentially using her father to buy new things and score a holiday, whilst simultaneously refusing to have any relationship beyond one which is rude and disrespectful.

By allowing this she is learning that treating people in this way. It's not.

She behaves like this because your DH lets her and one day he will wonder why the hell his DD has grown into a selfish, self absorbed adult.

Personally I'd be happy to give her a reasonable budget for holiday clothes which she can source and buy herself on the basis she quits the rudeness/stroppy texts.

I'd also be clear that she's expected to behave on holiday and be polite. If not she won't be invited again.

Re: contact I'd give more leeway and I would not make this an issue about being able to go on holiday. At 15 she'll want to hang out with her mates rather than family.

You'll get weird replies of how this is ok. My 15 year old would never dream of acting like this, it's not ok. Tell him to holiday with her alone in future.

So if it was one of your biological children you would do the same then? Sure

Just buy the list but unbranded. So she wants 5 strappy tops cool. A coat. 4 shorts.

Just buy how you do for the others and she can like or lump.

What parent agrees to an expensive winter jacket for a sun holiday? More fool him

Time for her to get a part time job

Like hell would I buy a 15 yo a £1000 coat! She's still growing ffs.

Unfortunately, I think this one is between her and her dad and what he's condoning. You're well within your rights to refuse to holiday with them, but that will throw the whole family dynamic.

She's clearly using her father, and he's obviously pandering to her whims and enabling this behaviour. And, she knows it. Does he feel guilty for some reason?

She's also, I believe old enough to choose what visitation she has.

Personally, I feel that She's either involved in whole family and not just reaping the benefits because she can't be fucked.

He's also not doing her any favours by allowing her to request such outlandish things. Fine if she's pays a portion of it or working chores off in exchange. But she will never understand the value of money otherwise, if it keeps coming to her wrapped in ribbons and fluff.

When you were a teen honestly how much effort did you make? Because while I was quiet and polite I literally just did a passing hi to my parents, life was just tv books and make up and I had very little interest in being sociable but yes would go shopping with my family and gratefully accept new clothes etc!!! If all teens were punished for not being lovely, friendly sociable creatures none would ever get a holiday!!!!

And I hate the word pandering- if you give your children something or go for the easy option it’s seen as pandering to kids- what do you want life to be a full on fight all the time? People pick their battles

When they’re yours, you have some agency over how you can encourage them to behave and become nice people down the line.

When you don’t; it’s thankless

More info needed - what kind of days out do you suggest?

Are there other younger children?

Can he not just say no to the clothes ?