To say no to DSD coming on holiday

I would put money on the fact that the teen's mother is at least partially responsible for the teen's hateful, awful behavior towards her Dad and SM. Way too often, the mother works hard at poisoning her children toward the other parent and SM.

@Hatfrog99 How does this teen daughter treat her half-siblings? Did you say there is also a son with his ex? How does he act with you all?

Your DH knows how to say "No". He needs to practice it with his NVDD.

Yes, you have to take her on holiday if she wants to go. No, you do not have to buy her a new wardrobe to go on it. If your DH pays CM, he doesn't also need to provide new wardrobes of outrageously priced clothing.

As for those who say, "the children living with you get new clothes." Yes, but they don't pay CM for them either.

She’s 15. Your husband is her parent. No, he has an obligation to try to build the relationship or talk to her about her behavior. But you don’t punish a self-centered teen with exclusion from family events because she hurt your feelings.

I wouldn't be taking my children away if they behaved like that, step children would be no different!

Do you know why she's so angry with her dad @Hatfrog99 ?

She is very hurt about something he did - maybe leaving her - but as she comes on holiday with you she clearly hasn't decided she won't see him anymore. And he panders to her because he feels guilty. Its a vicious cycle.

If you understand what she is angry about, you have half a chance of helping him improve his relationship with her.

Best of the best, it's a toughie but don't give up on her.

Your DH needs to find a space in which to spend time with her. That may be him saying ‘next Saturday, let’s go shopping, I’ve a budget to get you some stuff.’ None of this buying off her list. She needs to show up, and it needs to be him and her. Lunch out, shopping, wrap up at 4pm, cinema, hot chocolate, or whatever. She doesn’t get to order items; you don’t get involved.

At 15 the contact should be led by the parent. Teens pull away but parents need to take a step back while keeping a watchful eye. All normal parenting things.

Children will often prefer the softer parent. Often they are not the better parent.

15 yr olds are stroppy and demanding, they soon grow out of it. Stop pandering to her shopping demands and give her x amount of money to buy holiday clothes with.

would you ban one of your own children from a family holiday if they did something you didn’t like?

I’m a stepparent and parent of teens. DH and I take separate holidays with our children because that suits everyone, and we can both pander to our various kids’ needs - no apologies from me, I don’t mind indulging my kids on holiday!

It’s normal for. 15 year olds to want to sit on their own sun lounger away from their families. I don’t make my teens eat together for every meal, they’re committed to Sunday lunch and that’s it! OP you say we a lot but it sounds like it is more you and your DH isn’t on the same page. Listening to someone bitch about your child is very unpleasant. As you don’t have joint kids I’d suggest you take separate family holidays and then you and DH have your own adult holiday.

@Lampshadeblue So you are falling into the same trap as OP . She gets to decide who goes onto the family holidays ?Decide who gets what money to spend . Thenwhen18 gets to decide if she gets invited ? The OP decides for the whole family does she ?

Your DH needs to tell her no puffer jacket then. Reasonable clothing only. Give her a budget eg £250. Let her choose but that's all she gets. All kids get an equal amount.

I'd put a limit on the holiday clothes, she gets X and if that goes on one item then she gets nothing more. I would however keep the door open for a relationship by including her in future holidays if that's all the contact she'll have.

You reap what you sow with kids though: if she’s not interested in him maybe he’s just a bit shit?

I would invite her to the holiday but spend equal amount on all children re clothes. Give her a budget with a limit. Once she’s 18 then I wouldn’t invite her on holidays unless she showed a bit more interest in her Father the rest of the time.

She’s just a kid :(
you sound like you’re just watching her implode. Help her and show her affection instead of judging her. Weren’t you ever a teenager OP??

So you say NO to his DD coming on holiday.

I hope he will finally takes the role of a responsible parent and chooses his DD.

Have you been in her life for along time? Do you have an OK relationship?

I wouldn't exclude her from the holiday, that would be very hurtful.

Has your husband tried having a conversation with his daughter about the incompatibility of £1000 arctic coats and hot holidays?

I don’t understand - why would you expect to see her clothes again? Aren’t they for her to keep?

She's 15 FFS what a nasty way to speak about a child. Do you have teens??

I don't understand the that's normal comments, so she doesn't come and spend time with her dad, or if she does it's intermittent, but demands a new wardrobe, and then fecks off again with minimum contact. I wouldn't be facilitating that either. It's selfish. I wouldn't be buying a whole new wardrobe for her either. I don't think it's unreasonable to say you won't go again, but it's really up to her dad and if he is willing to accept that behaviour and attitude and still take her on holidays, all you can do is go on your own with your kids and not with him and his

She’s a teen, so much of her behaviour is down to that (eg sitting away from you and spending time in her room).

She’s also likely to be self conscious and that’s why she wouldn’t use the pool or facilities (my teen was exactly the same).

I assume all kids were told to write a list, which she did.
Your DH doesn’t have to buy everything on that list.

You are negative about her mum, yet she actually wants to spend time with her mum and so she’s obviously a decent parent.

You don’t get to decide whether she comes on the holiday or not, that’s for DH to decide and him refusing to take her is going to make their relationship even worse.

Her age doesn’t help but this is the age where DH needs to make the most effort as she is going to try and push the boundaries.

You come across as quite nasty.
Not only about this child but also her mum too.

Poor kid sounds like she has really crap parents

Maybe she doesn't like you and that's why she never wants to come round.