To say no to DSD coming on holiday

I don't think you're focusing on the right thing here. Sure she's acting like a spoilt brat over the holiday. But why doesn't she want contact with her dad? What the hell happened to their relationship that she doesn't want to spend time with him? Because my son doesn't want to see his dad, and that is purely down to the fact that he's not put any effort into the last few years and their relationship has gotten worse and worse. They don't argue, they just don't talk. He couldn't tell you what his son likes to do, or talk about; what he enjoys at school or hates; he forgot his presentation ceremony for a certificate at school and has generally let his son down at every turn. What reason does my son have to go and see him?

It's rare that a child doesn't want to see their parent on a regular basis if they have been consistent and supportive over their lifetime.

The holiday isn't the issue here. The relationship between father and daughter is the problem and nothing will be resolved unless he looks at the bigger picture.

I expect she is being demanding because she feels owed something . Unfortunately what she is owed is comfortable inclusion in her Dads life. Because that clearly isn’t working, she is consciously or unconsciously asking for clothing in lieu.

She’s not an argumentative kid: you’ve said yourself she is fine with her Dad.

This is an issue about your relationship with her and her resenting you.

Reading the way you write about her, I can see why she resents you being in her life. I would, if you were saying it about me.

I don’t know what to say about the trip because teens are difficult and all parents have to grapple with it. Unfortunately for you, you have your DH’s to grapple with as well. That was your choice not hers. I don’t think you have the remotest intention of putting in the effort. So I don’t know, maybe a trip if simmering resentment isn’t good for anyone. But if you don’t want her coming, it’s only reasonable your DH takes her away for her own trip. He’s her dad; she has every right to enjoy holidays away with him.

She is a child that is demanding a CG jacket. I don’t think we should be making excuses for her.

She is a child. If your husband allows you to be this controlling, he is a shit father.

What a daft bint your OH is to pander to this spoilt entitled brat. What do you mean she doesn’t go to school? To be harsh - if she doesn’t get an education she is going to struggle to get a job. What on earth does she think a Canadian Goose jacket costs and why she is demanding it?

She clearly has no boundaries so behaves like this. Unless boundaries are set by her Mum and Dad she is going to get worse and worse and probably end up on benefits. It’s the school element that concerns me. What is her plan for the future??

And no - she doesn’t come on holiday. What does she add to coming along and then complaining she wants to go home.

Goodness me! Just because she gives her father a list, doesn't mean he has to buy everything on it.

ps at 15 I’d be giving her her own holiday clothes budget. £200 if I was feeling very generous and I could afford it

I’d continue to invite her on holiday but not put up with the ridiculous clothing demands. Your dh needs to stop that ridiculousness, she sounds spoilt.

She could kiss goodbye to any payment as far as I would be concerned. At 15 she's not going to be easy, most teenagers aren't and that's not unusual, but she sounds rude and entitled enough to need pulling up.

Does your DH put a limit on the cost of the clothes his daughter asks for or does he just buy/provide the money for what she asks? If she's sending long lists with each item being designer, then it's totally unreasonable and she needs to learn that life's not like that. If she wants extra money she'll either have to do chores for it or get a job outside school. She should not be allowed an 'open chequebook' sense of entitlement.

If she's rude in her communication this needs taking up with her too. At 15 she's old enough to show respect if she wants respect in return, and to learn that you don't get whatever you want by being rude. It also seems she's selective in what she will or won't get involved with when it comes to family life. I think this needs a word or two as well. You're not there to provide a list of options for her and pander to her wants, and this needs to be made clear.

Dh needs to be better at saying no. Be a big fat no to the list of clothes from me. If you have a budget for clothes for other kids, she gets the same. Surely she doesn't need loads of clothes.
Dh should also be saying that he will take her shopping for the clothes.

15 yr olds are a pain but dh cant play disney dad either to her whims

I don't understand why you don't just say no to the clothes but keep inviting her on the holidays.

Just give her a budget of whatever you deem reasonable for a few new clothes at say, H&M prices and then she can use it on what she wants, eg just huy ine designer top if that makes her happy.

She has obviously learned to be this entitled re designer brands from somewhere?

Set a budget, stick to it and tell her it is for her to decide how and what to buy, but that's it, for the trip, so shop wisely as there will be no extras. Do the same with any spending money. At 15 she is making her own way, but being rude or obnoxious is not excusable whatever the circumstances, whatever the relationship. Set the rules, the boundaries and it is unlikely many more family holidays on the horizon at her age, but her Dad is not a piggy bank and it does sound like that's all she cares about, which bodes ill for the future.

Have been both the 15yo & SM.

As some may say, you have a DP problem.

Most of all, SD needs her father’s time, interest & affection. That is time spent just the two of them hanging out, maybe a hobby, going to the movies, pottering about at home, making brunch for everyone, going to buy her an outfit on a fixed budget. This when the everyday sharing of everyday concerns, hopes & dreams are shared. When his DD knows in her bones that her father is there for here as she grows up.

Forthcoming holiday: yes she goes with you, accept her affected indifference with humour, give her a gift card for her favourite shop with fixed amount for her to buy a holiday outfit.

It’s important that she’s included, gets to know her extended family.
If she steps badly out of line, tell her off as you would your own.

In times to come she may be the person who makes all the difference with her siblings, I.e. your children.

can you give your a budget for the clothes she wants, so just give her the money to buy her own stuff and if she can't afford the canadian goose feather jacket for a summer holiday on the budget she has ...... too bad.

Agree a reasonable clothing allowance and then deduct what her Mum should be giving her from it. Pay that to her each month and tell her it is now up to her to buy all her own clothes. At 15 she could also do babysitting or waitressing or a paper round to earn money herself.

So her behaviour on holiday (not using the pool or facilities) is normal behaviour for her at the minute then.

You implied she was acting like a brat but she’s obviously struggling at the minute.

She sounds like a typical self conscious teen and just needs a bit of extra love and support right now, not be pushed out and made to feel unloved or unwanted.

Keep inviting her and she will soon come out of the other side.

Perhaps book a holiday that includes something she wants to do and remember that even if she doesn’t want to use the pool etc, that she’s still being included and still creating memories that she’ll remember forever.
It may not be our choice to spend the holiday that way but she’s doing what she feels comfortable with.
Not inviting her is going to make things a lot worse.

I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world to have a couple of days away just her side of the family and you do the sand with your side too.

Why are posters suggesting OP has never met a teenager before? She has at least one of her own. She’s as experienced a parent as her DP and her kids have separated parents and live in a blended home as well. Her step daughter is not more deserving of the kid glove blank cheque treatment than anyone else in the household.

OP, is it too late to bail on the forthcoming holiday? It sounds like it’ll be shit for you and your kids. If you can afford separate breaks with your own kids do that from now. Don’t waste precious time and money feeling grumpy and resentful.

This girl is the product of the parenting she’s had from her mum and dad. You’re pushing water up hill trying to change her or them. Stop bothering. Detach detach detach. Focus on your own children. They’ll only have one childhood.

Wow your stepdaughter sounds like a nightmare, I feel so sorry for you.

I think the invitation should still be extended to her due to her age, but all the choices should be on your/DH terms. Eg spending money, where you go.

She should be treated the same as her brother/s and not given a huge wardrobe allowance just for being the only girl.

I don’t think a whole set of new clothes are needed each holiday, I certainly never expected that. At 15 if she is still growing and needs larger sizes, sure. But most 15yo girls are not going up sizes every year anymore. Maybe give her a budget (£100?) that is the same as the other children to spend, and she can choose whether that is on vinted or primary or Canada goose.

If she doesn’t want to talk to you, don’t bother trying to talk to her. Just keep offering to let her join family activities and leave it at that. She’s not your responsibility to raise into a considerate pleasant adult, the boat has sailed for that.

Once she is 18, you don’t need to invite her to family holidays anymore.

She will still find things to moan about, so just leave her to it.

Is the holiday already booked?

If it was bad last time I wouldn't have been bothering with this one.

Perhaps she needs her dad to make an effort/put in some boundaries?

Why should she miss out on a holiday if this is her only chance to have one with her dad?

It does sound as if separate holidays might work better?

Do all the boys get on & she feels left out?

Hundreds of pounds’ worth? Unless the family is loaded, I don’t suppose I’m only one who thinks this excessive.

Same as if they were commenting on a post by a male

@FloofyBird ,

Why are teens given this special dispensation that neither gets granted to younger children or adults?

If your husband didn’t want to do meals or come out with you but still fancied you paying for a nice holiday for him, is that ok? How about an 8 year old? So why, magically, do 14 and 15 year olds have all the rights of an adult and all the responsibilities of an 8 year old?

And of course I wouldn’t buy my children clothes that they only wore at their Mum’s, why would I? Of course they can use them there, but they also need to come back.

This attitude is damaging TBH.