To Feel the school mums dislike me

If your son was in your shoes, what would you advise ? My guess is that you would tell him to play with the friendly boys because the other ones don’t want to be friends.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a pp to ask if it could be all in your imagination because we live in a world where there’s a record number of people with anxiety and feeling of anxiety could cause someone to perceive things through a warped lense.

OP, you need to gain a backbone and stop trying to chase for the approval of these mums. If they are smirking and bitchy then it sounds like they are not the sort of people who are similar to you to make good friendships. Pursue friendships with the nice mums. That’s the sort of quality that is important , not the ability to bitch and sneer.

I had the good fortune never to meet women like this until the school gates. there was a clique that was so proud of itself. They hauled me in, then dropped me, then (once I'd got over the initial confusion and hurt) realised I didn't seem to give a stuff about being dropped and tried to haul me in again. They did this to everyone.

Ignore them all. Focus on the mums who do chat who are outside of that clique. You will find friends who matter to you. If your child is friendly with their children, you can still organise playdates, but try to encourage other friends too otherwise you'll get asked why Ollie and Ellie and Noah all went to the beach/circus/zoo together this weekend and they weren't invited.

It's horrible behaviour. They are not happy women.

I suspect many mums are shy and reserved, and it's mistaken as being snobby and stuck up.

Well first, I’d stop speaking to anyone who called me “hun” in a text message, but I suppose that’s a side issue.

I think you need to concentrate on the ones who were pleasant to you, not the ones that were iffy.

I’ve never been a clique-y mum ever. There’s always the odd mum (like me) that stands apart and it’s mainly because I’m shy and I don’t really want to make chit chat! I’d just see school pickup as what it is, why would you care what these women think?

I just say hi to the few i know and pick my ds up.I have no desire to make conversation I have friends for that.They sound awful id steer clear.

There was an awful clique of mums in my dds class...they really seemed to dislike me. I'm a reasonably normal pleasant person....😂it was horrible. Anyway my dh basically said to me that they were cowards who are terrified of going against the group and being ostracised themselves. Instead of finding them intimidating I started to find them pathetic and weak. Hold your head up high op.

I get it, OP. None of the other parents from DS's class will talk to me. I am ND, and so (we suspect- awaiting diagnosis) is DS. The other parents are a heavily conventional bunch, to say the least, and I think they have a strong suspicion of everything they perceive as "weird". There is one friend I have from among the class parents (actually a couple, who divide pick ups)- uncoincidentally also a ND family, but they have a girl, and the class culture is heavily against girls playing with boys.

I know it's not us, because I moved DS from another school a couple of years ago, and I was always chatting with other parents in the playground there, DS had plenty of playdates etc. I even have good friends with kids in other years at the new school, just not in DS's class. I have plenty of friends outside the school gates, too.

It's definitely a bit soul destroying- I have no urge to be bosom buddies with these people at all, but being blanked is painful as a social animal. Luckily DS will be allowed to walk home on his own from year 5, and he seems largely oblivious to the lack of playdates.

Stop wasting time on them/thinking about them and make an effort with the nice ones.

Exactly. I mean, so what if they think you’re awful?

There was a parent of a child in DS’s class who was objectively awful (in that she harassed teachers and fellow-parents to the point where she was officially banned from the playground and attending any school events), but I doubt my opinion of her makes her cry herself to sleep.

Honestly wish I had just done this, am now in the awkward position of being spoken to sometimes and blanked at other while sitting a metre away. I keep it pleasant either way because we are in a small gossipy community but seriously it’s just not worth the discomfort tbh. I do go out of my way with parents of children my DD actually plays with but other than that I’m not going to bother next year. I’m an introvert and find it stressful.

Ignore them. I know for a fact lots of the school mums hate me and my kid. But they are not people I would want to be friends with anyway.

Do what I do and get in and out in as quickly as possible. I only really do 1 pick up and usually run late for drop offs so I don't have to speak to anyone. I have friends outside of school and I really don't care for more so I try not to get involved.

Not really, I have some regular parents I talk to at one of DD’s sports things, a parent from her school but not her class also put their kid in and I encouraged her to come sit with us and made sure she was included in the conversation. Thats non clique behaviour. Cliques are the opposite of that.

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me

OP you answered your AIBU in your OP really. You are concentrating on the mums you felt were bitchy and ignoring that others were friendly. Try to do the opposite. Give your headspace to the friendly mums and ignore the others.

This.

Surely you don’t want to be friends with bitchy smirky bad vibe people? Refocus on the nice ones who did talk to you.

They're not cliques, they're groups of friends.

Just get in and get out every day. There's no real need for you to interact, especially given their behaviour. I had the same so just had earphones in playing music and stood away on my own during every pick up and drop off. I used to be polite and try to natter but after it sinks in that you're not welcome, there's no point in bothering. I figured that I wasn’t there to make friends, I have enough of my own. Kept to it right up until the end of year 6. No skin off my nose 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you sound like you are desperate to be one of the popular mums. I fully empathise, I was never popular at school and then doing school runs it felt like the same dynamic the cool girls smirked at me when in their pack but one on one were happy to chat. I had a really nice house and garden at the time so felt kind of used for play dates I was desperate to make friends they always happily accepted invites but never reciprocated. Then I'd find out they had been out for group meals and I'd been left out etc and that really hurt. I'm just shit at making friends i have very few and none from school runs. You said there are 3 who are really nice. Focus on them. Quality over quantity of friendships. Those 3 obviously like you not everyone can like everyone

And apologies for the typos, bloody phone 😖

OP, there's definitely a group of cliquey mums at my DC's primary school too. All.well groomed, several jobs, and favour expensive flashy electric cars/Adidas Sambas/Barbour coats etc. So when I see them, I instantly feel out of place, frumpy, and middle aged, definitely part of the 'sad' crowd. The feeling I got as a teenager who felt like the saddest person in the sad crowd of swots.

My hang ups are still there, aged 43. My closest mum friend asks me why they seem to ignore us and I tell her that they aren't worth worrying about yet i still worry about them.

sigh I understand. It's hard, but please don't waste too mucv time worrying about them.

I'd focus on the 3 lovely mums who are welcoming and try to get close to them.

I'm not trying to be goady, but i don't understand a word of this.

When i google "kerching" it just comes up with a kids tv show?

And I'm not sure I understand whats "basic" about it's me, not them.

That’s got ITV drama all over it.