To Feel the school mums dislike me

Ignore the bitchy smirk mums and talk to the nice ones.

If they'll have you. You've admitted you kind of ignore them because you're more interested in the bitchy smirky mums.

Like in every environment there will be the bitchy ones OP but you have to just ignore them like others above said focus on the ones who you do get a positive vibe from.

There was this one mum who has a daughter same age as mine and who my daughter really likes and they have a few other close friends in their group. I had a decent conversation with her etc a few times and was always nice to her etc went to her bday. She started inviting the other and excluding my dd and became very bitchy with me so I just completely blank her. DD is still good friends with her dd and recently I was with the other mums and she approached and sort of had no choice but to speak to me asked me how I was I said I was fine and didn’t ask her how she was. I continue to blank her. No time for people like that.

I know its hard, but stop caring so much, arrive at the school playground 1 minute before your kid is due out, collect them and leave.

Why is it hurting? Because their behaviour, or your assumptions about their behaviour, is snagging a belief or fear you have about yourself not being good enough, liked, or something similar. It is not nice behaviour, and we know that there are some bitchy cliques among school mums, but in the scheme of your life, how important is this really? How much will it matter next year? In 5 or 10 years? You have said there are friendly mums, so you could concentrate on them and accept that these people, when in a group, are not particularly nice. It does not reflect on you that they are like this.

Don't give them any head space OP. Ignore and move on. Say hi to the mums who are friendly. My Dc's are all at secondary school and I remember the primary school gate very well. Just drop off with a friendly smile and go. My dc's were at a tiny village school so everyone was related or the mums attended knew each other because they all grew up together. I moved to the area so didn't know anyone which didn't bother me. I weren't there to make friends and my dc's enjoyed primary school and had friends. I did make a great friend through primary school. Our ds's are best friends and it happened naturally for us. We just got on when we bumped into each other. Our boys are teenagers now and go to different secondary schools but still the best of friends. Don't be desperate with the other parents as you are probably ignoring great friendships with the friendly mums because you are giving so much head space with the clicky ones.

IMO school mums are weird and not friends. I have multiple examples -

DDs friend's mum came round for a brew, invited us to their wedding and still blanks me at school as though we don't know each other. Gave up on that friendship as it felt like she was my friend but only if nobody else was watching.

Another friend's mum would constantly tell me what good friends we were, called me all the time. As soon as they left for high school she blocked me on WhatsApp and hasn't spoken to me, even in passing. I asked her if I did something to offend her. "They aren't friends since they went to high school" and walked off. So our friendship was conditional on our kids staying friends.

A mum, and neighbour, who is horrible to me at home and gossips about me in her garden. Waves at me at school but never talks to me.

Like I wrote - weird. Try not to let them bother you. Everyone stands in groups at school here too. I'm the only wheelchair user I've seen there, ever. Nobody talks to me and everyone stares. There's meme pages devoted to the school playground at pickup times.

It's fairly obvious who in these comments is in a mean clique-y Mum group and who isn't.

I’m just going to kick it.

Not everyone likes everyone and not everyone has to be friends.

The fact you’re prioritising this over those who’ve been nice screams “pick me”. It’s incredibly off putting.

That is what was thinking!

Three lovely mums who were welcoming, but OP was upset about the 'clique?'

Many of the school mums I met behaved like we were still at school.
Thankfully I don't have much to do with them now DS is older.

Do something to build yr self esteem.
avoid school mummy mafia.

Smirk back. That'll piss them off

The mean girls at school grow up and become the mean mums at the school gates and the workplace bullies. They never go away.

My method of dealing (and I was older with bags of confidence) was to fix a smile on my face and pass the time of day with everyone. If they couldn't bring themselves to be polite, I would ignore their rudeness and move on to the next person. If I was feeling especially bitchy, I would address them with something personal that we had spoken about 1to1 - "is your mother feeling better now after her terrible cough? It can take a while to clear up in older people." Make it clear to everyone listening that she does speak to you when they are not around.

Agree with this

If you get that vibe then you're probably right that they don't like you. Were the play dates initiated by you or them?

Why not spend time with the ones who are nice to you?

I'll be honest in that I have felt this and I have also seen it as a third party. There are people in groups I'm in that others don't like and they are nice people but I see why others might not want to be friends with them and they have no idea.

One of them is just quite difficult to talk to and only talks about herself and tbh e other is similar except she's quite braggy and shows off. I suppose maybe they're just not your tribe. This may sound harsh but they don't have to be your friend and don't invite them over if they ignore you as a group.

Oh come on now. Do you do a bitchy smirk when you’re thinking about tonight’s casserole?

For whatever reason they are not interested in a relationship with you. It sounds as if they have enough friends already, there's no opening.

Focus your energy on the 3 friendly ones who sound as if they have space for you in their group and are willing to include you.

🙄

I've no doubt this happens, since so many parents have reported that it does. My kid's in Y5 now. The parents here are mostly superficially pleasant which is all that's needed. If there are cliques, these have passed beyond my notice.

I belong to the year Whatsapp group, which for years has been mostly sensible and primarily concerned with reminders about school activities or requests for this week's spelling list. A couple of times across the years things took an odd turn: one being an attempt to bully teachers (I withdrew for the remainder of that year) and the usual COVID neighbourhood policing in which paticular parents attempted to involve the school. All this achieved as far as I'm concerned is that I now know who to avoid like the plague.

I view most friendships as ephemeral and real ones as rare. Even those with close friendship groups at this stage will probably find they don't go the distance. I liked the mums in our BF group or in DC's nursery days, and we did socialise together, but I (and some others) have now moved from that area, are out of sight and out of mind, and I understand that's the way life is. I'd be pleased to see them if we met, but to everything there is a season and these sort of friendships don't necessarily last. That's okay.

As to primary school, I'm here to drop off or collect my kid. I'll chat in the playground, otherwise I'm quite happy to stand on my own. Mostly I just smile and say hello. This demands approximately 5-10 minutes out of my day and should take up precisely that amount of headspace.

It's much harder to bully or exclude people who are merely oblivious. Sorry this has made you feel so awful, though, OP. Alternatively from feeling an outsider to those who grew up in my village and have established friendships, I find being on the periphery far more comfortable. True friendships don't always spring up from the contexts we expect

Don't waste your energy on them. They were probably the mean girl clique in school and now they're mean adults. It's their problem not yours.
Stick to the mums who are pleasant instead x

I dont bother with school gate mums never have.
I feel sometimes theres more drama with the mums than the kids.
Its a school for your child/children not a adult playground.

Schools have changed since my 2 went.
I took them to school picked them up from school i never got involved with school gate mums.
Just normal chit chat sometimes nothing else.
Didnt do play dates either friends at school you dont need them in my house.
Holidays and nice weekends go out and play with your mates we had no need for school whats app and taking numbers arranging play dates.
Or making mum friends.
But as i said times have changed thank god i dont have to deal with it.

You mentioned in your post that there were three mums who were genuinely friendly to you, but you were fixated on these other mums. You don’t want to end up losing the mums who are open with you and the potential friendships they might represent because you’re obsessing about what some other people think about you. It’s just not worth it, and the ones that do like you at the moment might come to think you’re being a bit weird with them.

if I’m being truly honest there were 3 mums who did greet me pleasantly and talk to me but my mind is ignoring them and just focusing on the group who I feel exclude me

Why are you not focusing on building relationships with these mums?? Assuming there's 20-30 kids in the class, you aren't going to be friends with everybody, so work on the ones that at least seem nice. As PP says, you don't need their approval!

But didn’t you ignore the other mums?!