To Feel the school mums dislike me

You need to focus on your strengths and not their weaknesses.

Your child needs friends, so which friends will you help support with play dates?

Everyone's child needs activities.

Personally, I always ran homework groups - namely times tables and 11+ groups when my three were growing up. (I made it fun)

But you might love swimming and taking kids swimming.

Or you might love going to the park or kicking a ball around.

Or you might like cooking and baking cakes.

Or you might invite a child for a sleepover.

Or get involved with brownies/girl guides/ scouts - plenty of opportunities to help out.

Just find an activity that benefits your child, which you enjoy, and involve other children.

Seriously, when you do a parental activity, that benefits children socially, emotionally, accademically and/or physical fitness, all parents recognise the benefit for their children.

But if they're dicks. Just create space. You don't need their approval.

You sound insecure I am the same! Always assume people think the worst and I find the school pick up really awkward! I have a small group I know and we chat, others who’s kids parties I’ve been to who I might acknowledge but don’t chat to and then people I don’t know. I make small talk with the ones I know but if they aren’t there I just stand on my own and wait for my son.
If it bothers you just go and stand near them and make conversation. You’re assuming they’re smirking at you, maybe they expect you to talk to them?

One school mum I am really close to, go out at weekends etc and sometimes we just say hi and that’s it! Pick ups are weird, busy, everyone is tired chaotic etc!

At one of my sons schools I set up the schools first ever coffee morning ( sen school) one of the mums I already knew from toddler group and it started off amazingly well... until it didn't. People stopped coming to my coffee mornings then thus mum told me that the head had told her I should stop the coffee mornings to concentrate on being a governor ( weird he had to go via her and not talk to me). Then the coffee mornings carried on but I wasn't welcome. The group I had set up I was excluded from.

Next she told me that the chair of governors had told her she though I wanted to step down from being a governor. I replied how bizarre it was as the chair had never ever had such a conversation with me and I was saddened she had go via this mum. I said it was a bit childish and unprofessional. She never contacted me again. I'm still a governor but sadly unlike before I have nothing to do with the parents after that. When I went to school coffee morning she shouted across the hall 'stop chatting, we need help here!' When another parent approached me to talk as you know, a governor.

I'm sure there's some spin that it's me not her

There were terrible bitchy mums in my dd’s class, but gorgeous lovely ones in my ds’s class. It’s not you, sometimes you just get a bad bunch. Ignore and act like you don’t care.

Welcome to school mum politics 🥲

Please don't automatically assume this is what's happening sometimes you have it so wrong. This echos my best friend and I original friendship. I used to go to school a d see her talking to some people a d she never spoke to me just gave me a look that I judged as snotty. She would see me coming up hanging back to avoid that look and talking to others. It's only when I ended up stopping her car from rolling with baby in it when he hand break failed as she got out that we got to know each other and realised how wrong we'd been about each other. My perception of her is what she thought of me and vice versa but in reality neither of us had made the effort and felt like we couldn't because the other appeared hostile whereas in fact all we were was shy. Just bite the bullet and chat to them. The looks may not mean what you think they do.

Totally agree - it’s a primary school clique thing. Can emerge ( in my experience) amongst non working DP’s. Ignore it. Don’t give it a second thought.

This is pretty clearly you, not them. Now, what’s an acceptable, caring way of saying ‘get a bit of self-confidence’? Everyone feels like this sometimes.

why would you want to be friends with the ones whom you feel ignored? Doesn’t seem you will find hapiness that way...

did they invite you back? That is how you will know if any friendship is possible...if not...stop putting yourself so low. You deserve so much better!!

be kind to yourself,

Some school mums are absolutely horrid. Bitchy gossips. My husband called them the school mum mafia at my sons old school. We moved and I moved my son to a new school, I don't speak to anyone apart from saying morning. I'm not rude I'm just not getting involved in playground issues. I'm there to collect my son and go home, I've heard them bitching about other mums so why would I want to be involved with that!
I wouldn't worry about it, leave them to it. Go to yours childs things at school, If no one talks to you so what, your there for your child not other people

I didn't really believe the bitchy mum in the playground thing until my children started school. I am not sure why it is so school like and cliquey. I do also think sometimes there's also an element of people making friends/connecting with someone vs their kids just being friends and being civil. Maybe that group just are closer friends and if they're not as keen on you, that's ok!! Not everyone will be your friend and not everyone has to like you, honestly.

Just ignore it, focus on the people who are friendly, be civil and polite and treat it as a "them" problem. Watch motherland for light relief!

I think the dynamic at play at the school gates is on a sliding scale.
There are, as in all walks of life, a few bitchy Queen Bees who manipulate the cliques (which definitely exist).

The Queen Bees are flanked by their "underlings" who are far more passive and wouldn't actively be mean to you, mainly because they are far too busy being grateful that they're not in your shoes (exuding a higher level of relief than a Strictly Couple who've avoided the 'Dance Off'.)

Then there is the third group who have simply reached their quota of "Mum friends", possibly because they already have older kids or work long hours/don't do enough school picks to be affected.

The reality is that after the first few months, many parents are not minded to make more new friends or include others who seem a 'bit left out'. You need to step up!

Be civil to everyone for the sake of your kid and start arranging stuff with the ones you have a connection with. Don't dwell on why the "cool girls" didn't pick you because that achieves nothing and your kid is going be in school a long time. Get some drinks in and get those 3 Mums round for a laugh!!

Why do you care? They aren't your friends, just mums from your DCs school. Forget about them and concentrate on your family and friends.

What's a 'bitchy smirk?'
Maybe the one you like who messages sometimes is just mid conversation with another group, perhaps she's closer to, so just smiles when she sees you so she can keep talking to them?

I think there might be some paranoia here if you haven't fallen out with anyone. Think about when you're talking to the people you do say hi to. There might be another mum on her own thinking 'that group is excluding me they're so bitchy' but it wouldn't be true would it, you can't talk to everyone at once?

There are definitely schools where parents arrive with aspirations of widening their social horizons ( not meant in the straightforward, friendly way a poster above meant it, but rather upgrading their level of acquaintances.) Ironically, the only ones they ever really fit in with are the ones who arrive with the same ambitions. The rest stand back and let them grasp.

I’ve not experienced the ‘cliquey school mums’ things but wonder whether it’s certain types of schools?

I literally have zero time for them and couldn't care less what they think. I choose my friends, people like that aren't my friends.
I drop and go, attend nativity play/summer show etc but for my child, not to hob nob with types like this.

And this is actually unfair on the nice ones OP.

So there are three mums who were nice and friendly to you but you weren’t fussed about them, they’re not as important as the mums who are bitchy and cliquey and not nice to you?
I’m afraid with that approach you are not going to come across as very nice to the mums who would actually be friends.

Ignore them, they sound immature and annoying - you don’t want to be friends with them anyway. Find nice people to hang out with.

This poster has described exactly the insecure type “ wanting to level themselves above you” that I was meaning.

edited to say that I only disagree that in their mind they are in some way superior. I personally think it’s when in their mind they aren’t but are desperately trying to be. Genuinely secure people simply cannot be bothered with all this.

Thankfully at DC primary school the vast majority of the mums/dads were not like this but a small minority were like this. The insecure ones who want to level themselves above you in some way.

There was a mum like this in the year group between my DC. She would 'pick' on someone to ignore/be cool with. Then she did it to someone who was quite vocal about it (within established group) and it transpired that she had done it to 4 other people (suddenly turning for a while) but they didn't say anything.

One of our neighbours is like this too - the patronising smirk. It reveals a lot about a person. In his own head he thinks is more intelligent/wealthier than everyone else and wants to let you know. I suspect the complete opposite is true.

Honestly OP - it is great - they are telling you exactly who they are and this is very useful information. Quick smile/breezy hello - don't bother getting to know them more, they really won't be worth it.

Yes OP weirdly enough school can sometimes bring out old insecurities of playground dynamics in the parents. It’s usually the ones who were insecure/ bullied etc at school who are determined to try to pull a perch at ( what they perceive as) the top of the stack in a kind of confused bid to not repeat their experience and also, I think, because it will (in their minds) help their dc. It’s a bit pitiful but it can - and does - happen.

If, being totally honest with yourself, you are sure it is happening, I guess what you are really asking us is why .

So we can give you more accurate feedback, just being 100 per honest, and bearing in mind that this is anonymous, are there any reasons why you feel this could be directed at you? That ISN’T to blame you: it’s likely their issue . But nonetheless people with issues have triggers. Being totally honest, are you more qualified/ less qualified, more attractive/ less attractive, wealthier/ less wealthy etc ? Is your dc more capable / less capable and so on? Could you be seen as aloof? You clearly aren’t at heart or this wouldn’t be bothering you.

None of these are valid things for grown, fully emotionally mature women to get triggered by, but if you can try to be as objective as possible ( neither too modest nor deluded) you might start to get a feel for what could be triggering them. Once you think you might be onto it, acknowledge it in your own mind for what it is and park it. I think the wondering why is possibly haunting you more than the fact of it. And being able to move on and not care is the healthiest way forward. But it sounds to me as though you need an answer in your mind to why.

3 mums said hi to you and made conversation, how many more are you expecting to socialise with waiting for a school event?! It’s school - not a networking event or a party!

I just couldn’t have given an absolute flying fuck about the other parents. If they were friendly, great. If not, who cares? I was more than happy to stand by myself. Or chat to random grandparents/child minders etc.

I was purely there for my kids and to make sure they were ok. (They were fine and had lots of friends).

Ironically, being happy in your own skin and not being needy for the validation of others means people do gravitate. That’s when you scoop up the really nice ones, and other people who are secure enough not need the safety of sheep groups and the “huns”.