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Original poster

Husband furious, think that this is the end

445 replies

strugglingflower · 16/05/2024 21:12

I am posting on AIBU for traffic

Its a long story so please bare with me.

My son not my husband's son, has had issues for about 18 months, he become depressed and lost his job, his girlfriend and a very close family member, he stole money out of our bedroom my son started to smoke weed never in the house, my son become verbally aggressive towards me, my husband and him would argue and there was squaring up to each other, I could see that my son was unwell but I could not get him any help as my son did not engage with medical professionals' I contacted the local crisis team as I could see my son was in a bad place I was told that I would get a call in 2 weeks, still waiting for that phone call.

My son then had an episode of Psychosis, I managed to get him into hospital and then in house treatment at the Priory for a month, and then at home care, when he came home my husband wanted nothing to do with my son and is old school that my son should just suck it up and man up.

My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting and has no motivation, my son is still depressed.

My husband has gone mad tonight, as I have not told him that he lost his job on Tuesday I wanted to wait until Friday night so that I could sit my husband down. Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

What the hell do I do.

OP posts:
PhoenixIsFlying · 17/05/2024 22:20

Having had experience of this myself, it will take at least a year for your son to put himself back together again. I absolutely agree with you sticking by his side. Psychosis is not something you just recover from after a few weeks, it can take a long, long time.
I'm so sorry your husband cannot support you through this. Sending my love

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 22:16

HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou · 17/05/2024 21:49

This is a very patronising post. I don't think you are understanding the difference between some mild depression (for which you suggestions are appropriate) and a psychotic episode (for which they very much aren't).

Show quote history

It wasn't intended to be patronising. The OP directly asked me what I would do. This is what I would do, based on direct experience of a frighteningly similar situation which has destroyed the life of a woman like OP. The OP's son is not having a psychotic episode. He had one ten months ago. Now he's well enough that both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work, but he's not working. He's lying in bed most of the time it seems and OP is allowing this and enabling it by hiding it from her husband. Who is now understandably angry.

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 22:13

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You really shouldn't talk about yourself that way, StormingNorman.

Although I have to agree your words are well-chosen. 😏

Verilingual · 17/05/2024 22:11

My son is 23 and I could have written this post. DM me if you’d like a chat. It’s so awful. Just send yours huge hug x

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 22:10

StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 22:00

I haven’t been doing any psychiatry. I know what you believe because you wrote it down and I read it.I am not making assumptions about your world view, I am responding to the words you used.

I have some sympathy for the husband. It sounds like the son’s condition is incredibly challenging and is being felt throughout the household. BUT my primary sympathies and support when somebody is ill always go to the sufferer.

OP’s DP is being a dick. You don’t shit over people when they leave a month long stay in hospital.

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No, wrong again - you can choose to interpret how you like, - but crack on, it'll give you something to do while you're also pondering on the crassness of your previous comments about cancer of which you should be ashamed. There are people on here who have suffered from cancer, or someone in their family has - how do you think your comment made them feel?

Oh, I forgot, you won't feel ashamed, will you? You might do, if it ever happens to you or someone in your family.

I have some sympathy for the husband

Oh, really?

IgnoranceNotOk · 17/05/2024 22:05

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Here here! Seconded

StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 22:01

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StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 22:00

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I haven’t been doing any psychiatry. I know what you believe because you wrote it down and I read it.I am not making assumptions about your world view, I am responding to the words you used.

I have some sympathy for the husband. It sounds like the son’s condition is incredibly challenging and is being felt throughout the household. BUT my primary sympathies and support when somebody is ill always go to the sufferer.

OP’s DP is being a dick. You don’t shit over people when they leave a month long stay in hospital.

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 21:56

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Hoolagan · 17/05/2024 21:55

Continue to choose your son

SloaneStreetVandal · 17/05/2024 21:49

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 21:40

Unless he's vomiting in front of her she can't actually be sure that he's vomiting. It could just be that it's a convenient thing to say when he hasn't gone to work/exercised/got out of bed/helped in the house. Not saying that's the case - but could be. Ten months is a long time and apparently both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work.

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You make an important point. It's one thing to say physical and mental health should be equitably approached (they should), it's another to say they should be treated the 'same'. You can't fake (for example) cancer. It's not uncommon however for people to blame poor behaviour and poor life choices on their mental health.

HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou · 17/05/2024 21:49

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 12:47

Sorry but no, that's not the reason he didn't pass his probation. What was the behaviour? Not going to work? Going and not doing the work properly? I wasn't asking for the cause (in your opinion) but the behaviour. That's the pattern you need to look for and work to eliminate, if he's going to get past this and have a happy life.

As for what I'd do (since you asked) it's this. Just to say - I'm not claiming that this is a cure or that it's easy but having seen more than one mother whose best intentions and love and kindness have ended up doing the opposite and creating prolonged problematic behaviour in sons, this is what I'd do.

As a condition of living with you, ask him to commit to seeing a GP and getting treatment (medication and therapy) for depression. Make sure that he stays the course with the medication even if he doesn't like the side effects at first or thinks its not working (obviously with scope to change meds after a prolonged period of trying one out - but not scope to opt out).
Make sure he commits to going to therapy regularly and actually goes. Even if he says it's not helping, he can't go as he feels sick etc.
Get him any appropriate treatment for his ADHD.
After a grace period of a month or two to get the first things in motion, then these:
A commitment to getting up every morning and getting washed and dressed.
Expectation of certain assigned chores in the house, all his own laundry and a percentage of meal preparation.
Some kind of positive steps towards his future like a course that he goes to regularly, volunteering that he goes to regularly or a job (though I understand a job may be out of reach just now. He agrees to and follows through with doing these things regularly even if he makes excuses.

If he doesn't stick to any of the above then I'd ask him to leave and mean it.

Show quote history

This is a very patronising post. I don't think you are understanding the difference between some mild depression (for which you suggestions are appropriate) and a psychotic episode (for which they very much aren't).

StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 21:48

SloaneStreetVandal · 17/05/2024 20:26

Comparing drug induced psychosis to a son/daughter with cancer is utterly abhorrent. Bear in mind there are parents on here who are/have been in that position, an horrific position that is not remotely comparable to yours.

I think you should give your husband your blessing to leave.

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I think you should give your husband your blessing to leave.

Aren’t you the little provocateur with your polite little put down.

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 21:47

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MyBreezyPombear · 17/05/2024 21:42

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 21:40

Unless he's vomiting in front of her she can't actually be sure that he's vomiting. It could just be that it's a convenient thing to say when he hasn't gone to work/exercised/got out of bed/helped in the house. Not saying that's the case - but could be. Ten months is a long time and apparently both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work.

Show quote history

My Mum is disabled, can't walk far at all, only has use of one arm, has brain damage and forgets things within minutes and a lot more on top of that and they've also said she's fit to work.

Peppermintytea · 17/05/2024 21:40

MyBreezyPombear · 17/05/2024 21:33

She put earlier it's because he's anxious.

I vomit frequently when very anxious.

Show quote history

Unless he's vomiting in front of her she can't actually be sure that he's vomiting. It could just be that it's a convenient thing to say when he hasn't gone to work/exercised/got out of bed/helped in the house. Not saying that's the case - but could be. Ten months is a long time and apparently both doctors and PIP think he's well enough to work.

MyBreezyPombear · 17/05/2024 21:37

StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 21:29

You missed the point.

Psychosis is an illness. Cancer is an illness. Nobody chooses either although lifestyle choices can play a part. They are comparable in where our primary sympathies should lie.

You’re only enraged because you believe mental illness is a choice, not an actual illness.

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I agree with this.

There are things we do that can trigger cause cancer - example sunbeds for skin cancer. We know smoking can cause cancer, alcohol doesn't help. We don't go saying that to people who have cancer because that's a heartless and wrong thing to say.

Weed may have triggered the psychosis but that doesn't mean that OP's son doesn't deserve some compassion. Psychosis is a horrible disease that can take a very long time to recover from if it can be and I think it's unfair to judge him as harshly as some people have been.

MyBreezyPombear · 17/05/2024 21:33

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 21:31

If your son has been clean for 10 months, why is he still losing jobs?

You say earlier on My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting - and you mention later on that he's just recently lost a job. Why is he suffering from vomiting?

Show quote history

She put earlier it's because he's anxious.

I vomit frequently when very anxious.

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 21:31

strugglingflower · 17/05/2024 20:57

Its my house, my sons and my husbands, he is also not a drug user, he is clean from weed and has been for 10 months.

He has not been refusing, gracious me have you not read the thread, or are you just making things up.

Show quote history

If your son has been clean for 10 months, why is he still losing jobs?

You say earlier on My son has now lost 2 jobs through calling in sick as he is vomiting - and you mention later on that he's just recently lost a job. Why is he suffering from vomiting?

StormingNorman · 17/05/2024 21:29

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You missed the point.

Psychosis is an illness. Cancer is an illness. Nobody chooses either although lifestyle choices can play a part. They are comparable in where our primary sympathies should lie.

You’re only enraged because you believe mental illness is a choice, not an actual illness.

AnnabelC · 17/05/2024 21:24

Hi. You are in a terrible situation. But you are definitely doing the best for your son. We all make mistakes. Also sometimes even as adults , things happen for the first and we don’t know how to react. Things have happened to me in the past, I have looked back and thought, why did I do that. Maybe your husband is doing the same. Just a thought.

DriftingDora · 17/05/2024 21:22

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AnonAnonmystery · 17/05/2024 21:15

@strugglingflower when my brother had depression the doctor really prioritised exercise over meds. I appreciate your sons situation a great deal worse however try get him out of the house on walks at least? Do you have any of his friends that could maybe get involved to help get him out of the house. Depression is a bastard and the longer he’s in it the harder it will be to get out. You are a great mother, sending you support x

MissUltraViolet · 17/05/2024 21:12

I can understand your husbands frustration, it must have been tough to see your son not being very nice to you but I agree with you that you need to put your son first.

I am sorry that you are stuck in the middle of all this OP.

I'd try and sit down calmly with your DH and come up with a plan. Maybe he could move back into his house for a while or if it has tenants find somewhere else to stay for a while, give you all some space and reduce the tension in your home while you concentrate on your son? You could still visit/go stay with him and see if your relationship can get through it all - if that is what you want.

I hope things get better for you all soon.

Vive42 · 17/05/2024 21:10

Your son.

Of course.

Your DH doesn't want the hassle of mental illness.

None of us do, but parents don't abandon their kids. No matter what.

With your help he may pull through. Without your help... well... we know where it might end. I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. I hope he gets better. You're a wonderful Mum.