Husband furious, think that this is the end

I would, and did support my son over my then ( now Ex) partner who was similarly an arsewipe

1. when they went tough love on their son who was taking drugs and threw him out. He did straighten out.

It’s not really a choice. It’s your son. It was always your son and it should have happened when it first became apparent the man was an arsehole

Always choose your son.

This was my first thought, so I looked up Aripiprazole. It's a common side effect.

Sounds like both the psychosis and the hyperemesis could be caused by the cannabis use. Apparently there's much more of this than in times past.

Anyway, I can see your DH's point of view; psychosis is very frightening and he wants to feel safe in his own home. Why should anybody put up with being stolen from and disrespected in their home.

Also very typical of MH crisis that person involved is in denial and won't engage with services. It's not obligatory to live with your child forever. It's quite reasonable to expect him to engage with services and sort himself out. Get him ongoing care - by means of a.community care order or equivalent if necessary- and pay his first month's deposit and rent on condition he keeps engaging with services.

@strugglingflower

Tonight my husband has locked our bedroom door and will not let me come into the room and is not speaking to me, he has asked in the past to choose between him and my son. I will always choose my son. I think that this is the end of my marriage.

Yes I agree - this is the end of your marriage. How dare you kick you out of part of your own home should then stonewall you?

Time to get your ducks in a row. You don't need to act in all this now, but have the facts available to you for if/when you want to proceed:

• Take advice quickly (and discreetly). Contact Women's Aid and also have an initial one off consultation with a family law solicitor
• How are you financially placed OP? I see that you have protected your equity (80% vs his 20%). Will he leave the home if you ask him? Can you afford to buy him out?
• If he won't move out, Do you have enough funds to rent somewhere temporarily for you and your son whilst you go through the process of separation and divorce? Or Do you have family who can put you both up whilst you go through this?

• Can you increase your hours or earning power?
• If/when you leave, ensure you both take items of sentimental value, plus legal documentation (birth and marriage certificates, passports, copies of utility bills and investments
• Do you have your own bank account which he cannot access? If not I suggest you open one and have your salary paid into it.
• if you are able to move out without alerting him, also consider transferring 50% of whatever's in the joint current and savings accounts into your own private bank account. Sadly, some partners/husbands have no compunction about punishing their partners/wives by cleaning out bank accounts and leaving them penniless.

I hope you all (including your husband) have a calmer weekend and coming week, but keep your cards about your future as close to your chest as possible. 🌹

Asking DH to move out temporarily might help but then son aware mum owns 80% might make it difficult for DH to return. This is a mess. SOrry

Hi I had similar problems with my son. Though not so much the weed, but a severe MH problem made much worse by energy drinks (really). There is psychotic depression- it isn't always mania. My partner (his Dad ) was not good at coping with it all and the family nearly fell apart. His Dad and I went to a family therapist, privately. CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) were worse than useless. A particular shame as I knew a lot of the staff professionally. We worked on parenting together and keeping our relationship going. My response would be to a) get help for yourself; b) get help for your son and C) get help with your relationship with your partner. Good luck.

How long have you been with your DH?

Does he have anywhere he can live for a while?

I do think he should move out for a bit so you can all get your heads straight.

I do feel for your DH but your son is mentally ill and although he’s over the psychosis, he still has a long way to go.

Of course you need to put rules in place for your son but many of his issues will be down to his MH that he can’t help.

Some MNers have no clue about MH.
My mum had psychosis and lost her job, got another one then lost that one too, physically attacked me, tried to kill herself, drove dangerously and crashed with her grandchild in the car, thought people were trying to kill her/dead and many other things.

She is over her psychosis now but she is still very difficult and I feel for you and to an extent DH because it’s not easy.

I think you and DH arguing/having tension over this is not helping anyone though and so I would ask DH to move out temporarily, not separate, just have some space for you all including himself.

Im a specialist nurse
Psychosis is a mental illness that causes people to have disrupted thoughts and perceptions, making it difficult to distinguish reality.

But his psychosis was almost certainly bought on by his choice to use drugs. He may have some mental health issues but what really needs to be tackled is his attitude and his ability to cope with stress otherwise any other treatment is futile. Surely as a MH nurse you realise this....

This isn't really about choosing her son over her husband though. It's about her son treating her like shit because she allows him to. It isn't what is needed for anyone involved. If she doesn't set very rigid expectations with him then he will only get worse and he will drag OP down to rock bottom with him. He needs to float or sink I'm afraid. OP can't be his crutch and his emotional punchbag forever.

You really need to talk to your husband.
His behaviour, which I’m sure your son is aware of, will be making your sons issues even worse.
I note you stated he vomits when anxious. I have a son that is similar and stressful environments can make them much worse.
You son needs a peaceful environment and if your dh cannot provide that then he needs to
be educated in your sons needs
or if unwilling, move out.

The Priory isn’t just what you describe.

also, the NHS often sends MH patients/clients/service users to the Priory and other private providers when there are bed shortages (which is often)

Thank you.
There’s a lot of ignorance in this thread.

OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this big problem. I know the Priory is where the wealthy send their kids or themselves (esp celebs) as they are expensive but private so best care. It shows your excellent intention you have for your son and that you are doing all you can.

How much money in total has your son stolen from your bedroom and whose actual money was it? Yours or husband's?

For you to be able to send him to the P, that means your 80% share of the house is MASSIVE.

With all that you are doing to help, I can say you are committed to this process and you need to be applauded (people say put your money where your mouth is and it is damn true). I am not expert enough to see if maybe you are 'enabling' teh son, so I will leave that.

Having said the above and you saying the son now is 100% clean and vomits because of anxiety/stress (maybe even more stress added by knowing your DH is not supportive of him (your son), stress of his own standing in society that he has lost (as you seem well to do, this is understandable from his perspective; I am sorry to break it to you your DH never loved you to start with but came for the ride until it is now very bumpy and has no interest in being a part of this. My DH nearly lost his business soon after marrying me but I have my own assets through pure hard work, so supported him for himself. Had I got with him for his money, no way would I have stayed as the situation was unbelievably stressful. Business all recovered now and doing even very well, and he keeps thanking me for my moral support- that's the difference.

The low point for three friends was

1. when they went tough love on their son who was taking drugs and threw him out. He did straighten out.

1. Another friend their son threw himself from a great height spent many months in hospital. The rehabilitation straightened him out more than anything they said. Seeing paraplegic and quadriplegic patients and living with them helped him.

1. Another friend paid for her son to go to South Africa, spend a year in the middle of nowhere living simply, having therapy with no access to civilization.

Im a specialist nurse
Psychosis is a mental illness that causes people to have disrupted thoughts and perceptions, making it difficult to distinguish reality.

• Delusions: False beliefs that are not shared by others
• Hallucinations: Seeing, hearing, smelling, or tasting something that isn't there
• Disorganized thinking: Speech may be fast or constant, or switch from one topic to another

The main thing he needs not is support! Services are stretched but be persistent. Many take their lives because society doesn’t understand or have the time to. Act now

As for your husband v sad way to behave. But he is possibly mentally suffering and saying things he might not mean . Older generations don’t accept such things . Times have v much changed evidence research is developing all the time . I feel your pain but he will get better with the right support

I will always choose my kids over anyone else

a lot of people don’t know, unfortunately. Your son isn’t a disgrace, he’s very ill and I’m so glad to read he is on the road to recovery and is sober.
support your son. This could be a make or break moment.
and your husband doesn’t sound like good news. Not supporting you, locking you out of your room and asking you to choose between him and your SON is not the behaviour of a real man.

People will say ‘choose your son’ with no first hand experience of the havoc mental illness can deliver on families. You need to prioritise yourself, you cannot spend your life - and the reality is it will consume your life if these issues are ongoing - focussed solely on your son. Seeing what mental illness has done within my family my advice would be that you need to move your son out of your home, he needs help from professionals. If your marriage is otherwise good you need to place some focus and energy there. In my family it’s been 30 years of parent utterly focused on a mentally ill person who is not getting better and not helping himself. Everyone has one life. Yours also has value and you deserve to carve out space for yourself and your marriage - as well as getting support in place so your son can manage his own illness. You do not need to carry him.

This. It sounds like your son was doing great until things recently fell apart after a series of traumas. Not your fault. Not his.

I wonder if he'll engage with other types of therapy if he won't do talking therapy.

Your DH is not being very supportive at all and him locking you out is outrageous. Your son was out of order for 5 days and it turned out to be psychosis!

Your husband's behaviour to you is unacceptable. I couldn't stay in a marriage and be treated this way.

Sorry I'm going to take a different tact because I've had experience with people like your son and know that these types of personality frequently do nothing to make themselves better and destroy families.

Your son may be sick but he's making bad choices. You need to lay down the law. You will always love him but he's a grown adult and if he wants help he needs to show you that he's helping himself. First of all, zero tolerance to any drugs including weed. It will be ultimately making him more depressed and is undoubtedly what induced the psychosis. He needs to seek support from drug and alcohol support workers and get counselling but he needs to understand that his drug use and any consequence of it is ultimately his responsibility. If he doesn't have this respect for you or your home then he should be made to leave.

Sorry if I'm wrong but I'm going to speculate that your son might have been a bit of a twat at other times before this and maybe dh has reached the end of his tether? Yes there's more supportive ways of dealing with this but maybe he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life pandering to your son.

Do what you feel is right. It's not as black and white as people are painting on here though. Being a parent doesn't mean being a martyr. People treat you how you allow them to treat you, even your offspring. You'll do him no favours being too enabling with him either as he'll have no incentive to change.