Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

I agree OP (I’m nether widowed nor divorced, or married for that matter) but I can see that society judges single mothers very harshly for some reason.

But neither of them chose to end up alone - presumably OP married and had kids expecting it to last, not expecting it to end I. Abuse and for him to skip the country without offering any financial support.

I don't know any widows, and I imagine that is very hard. But I'm a single parent divorced from an absent, abusive man, and I agree that nobody seems to want to support me, even my own family who offer support to seemingly everyone else. My parents don't want me to rely on them, despite them having no evidence or past indicator that this might ever happen.

But he’s not!

Are your parents local to you? Have they supported you?

Sometimes people are weird and nicer to non-family members, I have experienced this.

I think it’s a very unfortunate stance to take, comparing divorcees with widows, like it’s a ‘who has it worse’ competition. It’s not reasonable to make such sweeping comparisons, particularly when you’re attempting to compare such different scenarios. Apples and oranges, if you will.

I'm a widow but prefer to describe myself as a single mum. I'd rather not have all the wailing and if that means some people think I've had an exciting life so be it.
One thing I will say, I never knew how grindingly hard it would be to be responsible for absolutely everything and the sheer frustration of having be in two places at once. RegardIess of how it happened, I don't think single mums get the respect they deserve.

OP, I agree. It’s like comparing apples and oranges but the pain and the outcome for you has been the same.

im sorry other posters have not been kind.

your parents attitude really shocks me. What woman wouldn’t not help their daughter after she was brave enough to leave an abusive marriage.

God forgive me but your abusive husband has every chance of reappearing and destroying your life again. Something that cannot be easy to live with either.

im sure you’ve done a wonderful job of raising your 3.

I'd also add that if you want help, ask for it. Helping a widow is very normal, helping a divorcee less so (as you say yourself) and it may be that your friends just haven't thought of offering or don't want to cause offence by implying that you are struggling. Just ask!

A "who has it worst" debate is bizarre couldn't agree more, being a lone parent without a dad or other parent around for whatever reason is very very hard.

I find this a truly horrible post. It's not a competition in who has it worse. It reads as if you are envious of widows.

There really is no comparison between being widowed and divorced. A widow isn't just dealing with solo parenting- she is also dealing with the grief of bereavement and the difficulty of parenting bereaved children.

I don't think it's anything to do with judging divorcees or whether divorce is a choice. My friends who have been widowed would give anything to have their husbands alive, even if they were apart, and for their children to still have a hope of seeing their father again. It is not the same.

I don't see it as widows v single parents v divorcees etc. At all.

Everyone has their own shit to deal with including married people and single people. Everyone. It's all relatively, but everyone's biggest problem is their biggest challenge - even though all challenges aren't equal.

A "who has it worst" debate is bizarre.

well you’re a delight aren’t you?

some folk on here are just the worst - like you @missmollygreen

Oh my goodness, you are proving the OP right, no one chooses to be in an abusive relationship and pregnancy is a known risk factor when abuse begins, they have you trapped.

@OceanStorm

you chose to marry and have kids with your partner. The widows didn't choose for their husbands to die

This isn’t an equally comparison.

if you want to compare like for like the OP didn’t choose for her husband to be abusive and disappear.

I can well believe that single mums are seen as less worthy of support than widows, despite their positions often being no fault of their own

But you’re fundamentally looking for others to step in to make you and your DC’s life better, due to the lacking of their father.

People are far more willing to step in for a dead man, than a deadbeat.

I guess because there is no hope of a dead man springing back to life and deciding to support his children or be a decent a man.

While a relationship ending is sad it’s seen as one of those things. Losing your partner / father to death is seen as a tragic event.

Aside from your question, why don't you seek child maintenance from him, the American courts take child support seriously (assuming he's earning or has assets)

I kinda agree with this, although it sucks if you feel your parents somehow feel a widow is more deserving of support than you are.

I think you're just thinking the grass is greener.

I'm divorced from my kids dad and my partner passed away in Sept of last year. Absolutely I know there was a while lot more sympathy and help from people for the first 3 months or so. But it doesn't last. Talk to any widow and they will tell you how quickly the offers of help dry up, or commitments aren't kept to. People mean well, but honestly the sympathy and extra help doesn't last long before the expectation is that you get on with it. Yes, comments might be more sympathetic but that doesn't mean anything in terms of actual support. People forget. And quickly. And then you are alone with bereaved children, who can often take a while to process the whole situation.

In some ways being widowed (though I wasn't married to my partner) is simpler, as you don't have to deal with a dickhead of an ex, but you are dealing with a whole heap of shit more. It's not preferable, trust me.

Choosing to have three children in quick succession with a man you consider to be finally abusive and emotionally unavailable is a choice you made. Having a husband who dies isn’t a choice.

They’re not comparable.

I also think it's strange if your parents offer to help a widow out and not you when you need a lot of help with three little ones. Perhaps that's a location thing? I haven't had anyone offer to take my children lately except blood relatives and I wouldn't expect random people to babysit them so I could go out.