Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

Yes definitely people are nicer to you if you are widowed… for a period of time and then you are left with silence that goes on forever.

Yup. Friends were supportive for about a year. Then they disappeared. Or at least the coupled ones did. As a widow you become a bit of a parish when it comes to couples. And unfortunately nearly all my friends were coupled, and knew us as a couple.

For the record, OP, I agree with you. Anyone who becomes a single parent through the complete disappearance of the father, is essentially in the same boat when it comes to practicalities, whatever the cause. I'm sorry your parents are choosing to help a random widow over their own daughter.

I think being a single parent is so hard, whatever the reason. I find being a parent hard enough some days and I've got an ok partner.

I think it's more difficult a single parent who doesn't have someone to cooparent with.

I do understand what you are saying OP. There is still a stigma around being a single mum because the relationship didn't work out xxx

Ahem - fundraisers, free holidays, sympathy, family support. There are four big, fat assumptions there.

I don't want financial support, I don't think of myself as 'deserving' of financial support, either, thanks. I also dont want to waste my life comparing myself to others. Your post is absolutely disgusting and deeply offensive.

Ahem - fundraisers, free holidays, sympathy, family support. There are four big, fat assumptions there.

I don't want financial support, I don't think of myself as 'deserving' of financial support, either, thanks. I also dont want to waste my life comparing myself to others. Your post is absolutely disgusting.

Well I’ve been divorced and widowed so can I be the control group? Yes definitely people are nicer to you if you are widowed… for a period of time and then you are left with silence that goes on forever. Divorce - rough too but in different ways and unfortunately all too common when in early middle age. And IME much easier to recover from. I’ve also had a Lot of judgement as a widow for starting a new relationship.

I do think you have a point @IfIGoTiAnotherWedding .

I'm a single mum. Ex fucked off. Met someone new. Had more DC. Stopped seeing ours. He was flaky before then.

My friend is a widow.

We both recognise that some parts of our situations are similar. Only parent, only one income and so on.
Others are different. Her DC are heartbroken that their Daddy died and they'll never see him again. Mine are heartbroken because their daddy lives 10 mins away and chooses not to see them. They are both painful situations. Both leading to upset children. Are hers worse off? Maybe.

She definitely gets a lot less crap from the wider society than i do though.

So you are saying its her fault..?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I find it positively shakespearean how mumsnet switches into 5th gear to make women responsible for EVERYTHING. As if men walk around with a sign over their heads denouncing to the world if they will turn into absolute abusing @$$€$ as soon as DC are in the picture. And if the woman does do the responsible thing of removing children from the abusive situation, the inevitable "where is the father" gets trotted out. I hope your righteousness tastes just as good when you read about some of the consequences of staying with the father results in.

Instead of supporting each other, women here cannot get in fast enough to get the boot in. Almost like you are the acolytes of Andrew Tate. Be ashamed of yourselves. Genuinely.

OP, my sympathies.

I lost DF when I was late teens. My DP’s parents were getting divorced. I’ll never forget when his mother said to DM that she knew how she felt now as they were in the same boat.

I was seething. It’s not comparable. I could never look at her in the same way, tbh. Don’t undermine death by comparing it to a useless fucker, fucking off.

And yes, the signs were there. She just wanted to be married with DC, so she stuck her head up her arse a long time before that.

The ignorance of this post.

Oh politely fuck off. Firstly why are you putting women against each other? But as you are I will do it myself. I’m a widow and I never got offers of help, support, childcare. Yes you are a solo parent but you are not dealing with bereaved child , my 15 year old boy who three times a year on certain anniversaries can’t cope with life, can’t get out of bed. Your kids dad may be absent but they have the hope/ opp that they can see their dad again. You have got me actually angry reading this and I’m a very chilled widow. I could go on for hours about why you don’t want to be a widow but Honestly if you want my life come and get and I guarantee you will be wanting to swap back within 5 mins.

@OceanStorm read back what you have written. You are putting blame back on the victims of abuse. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Really?!

I'm the not the one making comparisons here and assuming ridiculous things about free holidays and fundraisers (like that would compensate in any way for the trauma of being widowed or parenting children who've lost a parent). I'm not claiming to know anything about her circumstances at all. I personally think those ignorant comments and assumptions in the OP are compeltely uncalled for.

It's difficult to believe a bad character came out of the blue. There would have been signs beforehand

She's not jealous of you. You've been through hell but your comments to another woman who's had an awful time albeit under very different circumstances are really uncalled for.

I agree op that people judge single mothers more harshly than widows. Widows are seen by many as being “virtuous” and “blameless” single mothers whereas divorced or never married single mums are seen as bringing it on themselves.

I don’t think one is necessarily easier or harder for those in the situation. But there is definitely different treatment and judgement (see on this thread even).

im a never married single mum. For some people that’s the lowest of the low. But I don’t think like that at all - I have a professional career, I work hard, I’m financially self sufficient and have a happy life with my family. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I've found that when people know I'm divorced they assume I wanted it, and no longer love xh.

I adored that man to the ends of the Earth. I still love him.

Every day he lives he's continuing to reject me. I've wanted to kill myself to end the pain, but won't because of the dc. My own mum said it would've been better for me if he died. Obviously not for him or the dc and I'd never wish it!!

My heart is still in pieces 7 years later. I meant it when I made my vows.

It's loss plus ongoing rejection.

I'm not comparing grief, I just want to point out that I've lost the love of my life. I'm raising our dc alone and it's devastating.

I am a divorced single mother and have been for the last 12 years. I can honestly say that i have never felt any stigma about being a single mum and have always been offered help when i needed it by family or friends! Plus being a single mum of four was way easier ( no matter how skint or tired i was) than being married to a narcissistic arsehole!

I am a divorcee who has had a fair bit of help from others as he left me for another woman in very dire circumstances indeed. Most acknowledge I woukd have beem better off widowed as least I'd then habe 100% of the finances and none of the ongoing abuse.

That's not to belittle the experiences of widows, it's not a competition for who's in the worst situation.

But I take my situation to be different to others who have chosen to divorce, due to just not getting along, who often seem like decentish blokes. I'm not saying it's not hard but it's definitely not the same.

Sometimes people end up in shit situations that were not foreseeable. Presumably you’ve never been so unfortunate otherwise you wouldn’t be blaming a victim of abuse for her bad choices.

Yeah, sounds like it!

Boo hoo. Poor you. Feel better now?

WTF. No, I have never been the beneficiary of 'fund raisers', nor would I wish to be. I work bloody hard to support my DD, who lost her father in infant school, and actually, can't even remember a time when he was well. I spent years of my life caring for him through illness, working full time and single handedly raising our daughter. I am not well off in the slightest.

I don't know if my life is easier than yours, but I sure as hell know I'm not a jealous twat though, so in that sense, I'm miles ahead of you.

I also don't recognise this. My mum passed when I was 6. I remember lots of people buying us presents (it happened at beginning of dec) but that's it. Luckily my parents had life insurance incase something happened to my dad. My mum's passing caused a big rifted in our family and I still don't speak with most of them. I have also seen the difference in growing up as a 1 parent family to my dads partner who's children have two parents (I know yours don't see their dad).