Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

We have a friend in our group who is divorced, dad still around but rubbish, and we offer to help her with childcare, overnight stays, anything, but like me, she rarely asks as she doesn't want pity and I think that's something a lot of single mums and widows have in common, not wanting to ask for help.

What aspersions have I cast upon you? I haven't made any assumptions about you or any single mothers at all. I haven't said one situation is worse than the other - I've said it's fucking nasty to assume that widows have some kind of easy ride and the original post sounds jealous. Read my posts again.

It was obvious that you were coming at it from the POV as a single parent and one with a massive chip on her shoulder.

And if were talking pleasant 'massive prick', 'bore off', 'fuck off' - I think that's rather rich, don't you?

OP, this was a terrible idea for a thread, yes?!

I was widowed in my 30s after spending 3.5 years knowing DH was dying. Our DC were 5 and 7, now 12 and 15. It has devastated us in ways I won’t go into. Right now I am more exhausted and heartbroken than I was in the early days.

Meanwhile neighbour’s DH left her and her 4 kids to have a baby with a woman on the other side of town, and he has been an absolute nightmare. She and the kids have had all sorts to deal with.

Are we jealous of each other? Er, hell no! We have a coffee, share latest woes (and occasional triumphs), build each other up.

We’re all just walking each other home. Let’s do it with a bit of grace.

I was widowed with young children and it is my divorced mum friends who have been my closest supports. We recognise our differences. I acknowledge I don't have to put up with the ridiculous stigma in society of being left by a man, nor do I have to deal with an abusive ex or wrangle over money and access. In turn, they acknowledge the ongoing grief and worry of raising traumatised, bereaved children, and how hard it is to never get a break. We navigate those differences and come together to find what we have in common. Which is a great deal. I couldn't have got through without my single mum friends. They 'got it' more than anyone else. Let's not let patriarchal attitudes drive wedges between women.

I agree there is more judgement reserved for divorced women. Except if a widow starts to date again. The fundraisers (which never happened to me actually) and the traybakes on the doorstep will stop if a widow doesn't play her role correctly. Probably best not to laugh in public, go dancing or call herself Ms either, otherwise she clearly did not love her husband enough.

And you aren’t pleasant. I hope this doesn’t come as news to you.

You have also proven the OPs point. Casting aspersions on me, the single mother, as to how my circumstances came to be and judging accordingly. You came on to belittle the OP and have instead shown her to be correct. Well done!

I agree that people should be more sympathetic towards single mothers as well as widows.
It's bizarre that people are saying you chose to have kids with someone abusive. Most domestic abuse starts during pregnancy so you don't know beforehand.
I think it's more upsetting for children to have a parent that just doesn't give a s* about them than one who has died. When one has died there is no question of whether the child was loved but when one has just chosen to leave and have no contact then that's especially hurtful as the parent has chosen to leave. I am aware of all the bereavement charities for children and have some personal experience so know how devastating losing a parent is but so is a parent choosing to leave so I don't think one group of people should be treated any less kindly than the other.

Exactly.

And I’d add to this from the child’s POV while I agree “absent is not deceased” its incorrect to say the latter is necessarily worse.

There are plenty of studies showing the significant harm of abandonment on children and the impact on their brains and emotions can be worse than those who have been bereaved . Does anyone think most children can go on and have healthy relationships with their deadbeat father in adulthood? Very rarely. The fact that the hypothetical chance is there could cause them even more distress when they know realistically it’s not going to happen.

People with dead fathers often don’t need to worry about thinking their dad didn’t love or care for them and they know when they say their Dad is dead society isn’t going to judge them or their mum for being “stupid” enough to pick a “bad guy”

So again yes different but not necessarily less serious or damaging to have an absent father over a dead one and arguably in some cases more damaging .

I couldn't care less.

I guess unless you have lived through it you maybe cannot know how life destroying and devastating and abusive marriage is. It's not a situation you skip out of fully recovered. The deep trauma lasts a lifetime, with physical and mental impacts that can be irreversible. I am left with horrible mental and physical health conditions triggered but the stress.

I feel nothing but sympathy for widows, but I would also feel just as much compassion to a victim of abuse.

Op's comparison was because her parents have literally offered to help a widow they aren't even particularly close too but aren't helping her. She's quite right to feel upset and confused by that.

Would you rather I was a total bitch to you 😂

But I will say you've clearly had a hard time of it and you're doing well to have ended things and be successfully going it alone, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Just remember it's not a sympathy contest, ask for help if you need it, and mutually support other lone parents, whatever their situation

Goodness me, how patronising.

The OP does come across as jealous of the support the widows she knows have had. There has been no acknowledgement at all to those widows who have posted with opposing experiences or any apology for any offence cause either. Isn't that cruel?

Read the thread again, it's me who's been called a prick!

Your life situation is not comparable with theirs. You seem almost jealous of the widows you know, which is ridiculous. They live with the knowledge they'll never see their much loved husband and father of their children again, and their children will grow up without their Dad.
Presumably, you don't love your ex anymore, so the way you feel about him is not the same as the way they feel, and even though your children don't see their father, one day they could get to know him.
Absent is not the same as deceased. Divorced is not the same as widowed.

As for your parents, if you would appreciate their help, ask them. Them wanting to help another woman is not your concern.

Just because you disagree with someone doesn't mean you get to be cruel though.

From your posts on this thread I'd imagine its horribly triggering for you, you have clearly been through a lot and have fought tooth and nail to give your child the best life possible.

Have a glass of wine and watch something funny on the telly. Arguing with people on the Internet always makes me feel worse, not better ❤️

He was abusive. .. you are making assumptions about what things op had a choice about

Sooo true!

It's no surprise she's attacking me because she clearly feels the same way as the OP - that widows get all the sympathy and free shit whilst single mothers get nothing except condemnation.

The whole premise of this post is nasty.

But they won't help their own daughter! Utterly baffling. It's why I am always wary of people who make a big show of helping with a random tragedy as they are often quite different in private.

You are deranged.

Stop being so nasty. There's absolutely no need to quote her posts and try to belittle her for her sons father being a terrible person.

You’re right, Sweetie. Sadly, it just isn’t surprising anymore that some men are useless fucking scumbags that don’t support their children. At last, something we can agree on.

Fuck off now.

I said it’s not a race to the bottom and not pitting one against the other, just the water we’re swimming in

So why did you name your thread Widows vs Single mums and divorcees? It's the language of competition, of pitting one against another.

Also you generalised about all widows when actually it's a just a bunch of people you know. But hey, it's a less catchy title.

Who the hell are you to tell me to 'bore off'? You're the one who's hijacked the thread in your attempt to shame me.

I’m a lone parent, my son’s father has no input (financial or otherwise) into his life or upbringing.

Quelle surprise.

I am just struck by the contrast between the “worthy” solo mums (widows) and the rest of us (unworthy)

My kids have not only an absent father (his loss) but yes, disappointingly unsympathetic grandparents and a mother who dares to not want to see them or herself as less than, even though she is steeped in a a culture than leaves her in no doubt about this….

Im sorry your ex and family sucks but your experience is far from universal.

I left an abusive ex and I’ve never been made to feel “less than” any other mother. I find people are generally very supportive and understanding, my workplace is flexible and I would never expect someone to start a fundraiser for me because divorcing an asshole doesn’t compare in any way to the unexpected death of a husband and father.

Perhaps people feel a sense of entitlement coming from you and shy away from getting involved with someone who is negative and resentful.