Widows vs Single mums and divorcees

Widows are single mums through no fault of their own.

You chose with free will to procreate three times with an unsuitable man.

I bet those red flags were flying long before he fucked off back home.

There is clearly a big difference.

@LieutOliviaBenson no the definitely shouldn't stay. But it would have helped to be more discerning before choosing to have children and marry someone

I'm a widow. My kids were four and six when my husband died unexpectedly. I've never been offered money, childcare, help of any kind from people outside my own family (and they lived abroad so no help there either).
I don't know any other widows so have nothing to compare with, and I also don't know any single mothers that do not have their ex partners taking responsibility and having their kids some of the time and paying maintenance.

I agree it's far too simplistic.

As awful as it is to say grief is possibly preferable compared with some of the horrific abuse women and children suffer at the hands of men. Some traumas last a lifetime.

I was widowed at 39. My boys were 12 and 15. I had NO help from family. Infact I was showering my dad who has alzheimers 6 hours after my husband died.... It might be that some get help but I didn't. I worked nights after his death, the only job I could get at the time, and had to leave my eldest in charge of my youngest. 8 and a half years on and we are doing great now, but my god it was bloody hard at the time.

Well they do.

I was married for nearly 20 years before he tried to choke me.

They walk among us.

I don't understand this post. Both women, ones whose partner left them (or they had to leave) and women whose husbands died chose to marry and have kids!

Are you saying women in abusive relationships should stay because they "chose" abusive men? 🤔

I think it’s probably a you and your parents thing. One of my parents was very very similar towards me as I was not worthy of any help. I was a very young parent not married and had to go through a horrific court case due to domestic violence and sexual assault so became my baby’s only legal parent and the other person was not allowed to now our whereabouts etc. So definitely a lone parent with zero help.

But my parent would, and still does, have to list all these other single mothers widowed or divorced and how they feel so sorry for them, their life’s been so hard, etc,etc,etc.

One of the actual widows in question actually lived with my family for a time as a child as parent felt sorry for her then too, at the same point as me being kicked out of home and made homeless.

So it’s harsh parenting I’m afraid, I’m currently no contact with my family apart from speaking to my parents every few weeks. What was your childhood like?

Women don't choose to be abused either.

Read it as you wish, I'm beyond giving a shit. Go scrap somewhere else.

Please message me if you would like as through my volunteering work I know of a number of charities that help bereaved families if you would like it.

Oh well, if you’ve said it three times then it must be true 😂

I’m not the only person who has read it as intended; that I am a lone parent because of something that I did, how I behaved, something I said, blah blah blah. I, woman, am clearly to be blame for the failings of man. And so too is every woman at fault for not picking better, or nagging too much, or daring to not shift the baby weight et cetera et cetera.

I won’t be replying to you again.

I was widowed 3.5 years ago when my 8 children were between 19 and 9 months old. I haven't received any special treatment I don't think, apart from a trip to a theme park for my kids after COVID was over through Merlin's magic wand. It's the only time they have ever been .
Childcare wise, my parents are a bit older now so see the children once a week but I'm usually there too.
I'm on Universal Credit though hopefully starting a part time job soon. Every month , the money I get from my husband's pension is deducted in full from the UC. So I'm no better off and the government bereavement support payment now only lasts 18 months , rather than 16 years like it used to.

@OceanStorm Are you for reel. They all chose yo have kids with their husband/partner. The widow may not have chose their husband to die but at the same time single mums do not always choose to be single mums. Sometimes a relationship is great but years down the line it breaks down, perhaps the husband cheated, had a gambling addition, got into debt and disappeared, went off to start a new family. It does not mean just because he ain't dead she chose to be a single parent. Her own parents should offer her a break whilst watching their grandchildren before offering a stranger.

So sorry you went through that too.

err I mean aren't we lucky let's count our blessings

It was out of the frying pan into the fire as ex then deliberately and knowingly risked DSs life when he was there just with his toddler sister (cafcass ignored police and medical reports and said he could have contact). It has left him deeply traumatised. But hey, I guess his dad only tried to kill him, his dad didnt die, so he's a lucky little chap really

You also didn’t mean that ‘quelle surprise’ comment the way you’re now claiming at all so you can fuck off with that. You’ve just realised what a bellend it made you sound.

No that's what I meant - I've clarified three times now.

There's only one bellend here....

Eh? Who said I didn't get help? I got (and still get) los of help in terms of practical and emotional support...I did say I didn't bebefit for any fundraisers or free holidays (neither would I want them). You're making things up your suit your own agenda. I only reminded in kind to someone who was abusive to me.

There’s no chip on my shoulder about being a single mum. Our life is lovely, thanks. I’m angry that men get to live life as if their child doesn’t exist, but not at my situation. So, again, you’re wrong. You also didn’t mean that ‘quelle surprise’ comment the way you’re now claiming at all so you can fuck off with that. You’ve just realised what a bellend it made you sound.

And, to be clear, I’ve never claimed to be pleasant. Your posts are filled only with unkindness for anyone other than yourself. You don’t come across well here at all.

It wasn't meant to come across patronising at all. Its obviously an emotive and very difficult subject. I was trying to be kind.

Maybe people didn't help you because this is how you treated them?

You obviously need an emotional punching bag tonight but its not going to be me I'm afraid so I'm not going to respond to you again.

@StJulian2023 I think we made the same point really, at the same time.

We’re all just walking each other home. Let’s do it with a bit of grace.

I love how you put it.

I also agree that the even harder times come later, when you see that for your children there is no getting over this. It shapes them and you can't change it. I just wanted to send you some solidarity. I'm feeling that too.

@StJulian2023 I hear you. I haven't wanted to go into what my children saw on this thread either, but it was things adults struggled to witness, and it has deeply scarred them and both have struggled in different ways to come to terms with such horror at an early age, as have I. Unmumsnetty hugs to you and to all the single parents trudging forward.

Come on, it was patronising. I think you're a sanctimonious twat for what it's worth.

I didn't say 'quelle surprise' that their partner left, I said it because it's no surprise that's her angle.

My god are you sure you weren’t married to my ExH? I’m glad you got out x