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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

223 replies

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 19:28

I wasn't sure if there was somewhere more specific I could put this but couldn't find anything.

My DNephew is in foster care. This isn't about the reasons for that.

I look after him twice a week. He is brought to mine via transport. My only way of contacting the FC is through a communication book. Last summer I bought him a lot of clothes which went to the FC as he has been there since September. I would like to know if any still fit him so I know what he needs before I get him summer clothes this year.

I have asked in the book 3 times now over 5 weeks and she hasn't replied. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here. The last time I said if it was easier for her she could send the clothes to me so I could check the size for myself. But still no reply. I don't really want to get the SW involved as I know she is busy and surely this is something we should be able to sort ourselves?

The foster carer in general shares very, very little which makes me sad as I want to be part of his life.

YABU - foster carer doesn't have to give any information, there should be no expectation of working together
YANBU - it would be nice if we could work together and if FC could engage in that

OP posts:
Pin0cchio · 16/05/2024 22:58

Amazed by some responses. This is a child unfortunate to have ended up in the care system for whatever reason, but fortunate enough to have a loving Auntie who wants to get him nice clothes. For god sake it should be welcomed that this child has family whp care and want to show it. Its not about whether the foster carer has money or the child needs clothes, its about the someone caring for the child & acting on that.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:57

PurpleBugz · 16/05/2024 22:19

Is he too young for you to be able to work out if he is happy with her?

My parents were foster Carer's not me so I guess I didn't know the details but I can remember them being uncomfortable with contact for a couple of specific families due to why the kids were removed. So why your dn is in care may be affecting the attitude. I remember my mum being so anxious about one girl having contact with aunts as the kid was in care to save her from being sent abroad for forced under age marriage and my mother didn't agree the contact was safe for the child. I can imagine my mother was difficult for that family but complied with what she had to. I've crossed paths with other foster carers and felt they inappropriately shared or implied things about children's families. It's a very emotive and difficult thing to do and you feel so angry fir some of the kids who have suffered. But the attitude to the children who are in care due to family sickness/bereavement was noticeably different. You don't have to tell us details but if it's something where mummy is unable to care for him due to situation rather than abuse/neglect I'd be really nagging the SW to push foster carer to facilitate better relationships. You said he will be coming home so foster carer is out of order really. But if it's still in proceedings and the child's safety is under scrutiny I'd not be rocking the boat for fear of being seen as difficult- just buy some clothes and send them. Or a special toy or teddy new backpack with favourite characters on it something your dn may enjoy and know comes from you more than clothes he won't know you bought for him.

He can't tell me no. But I'm told by the SW she cares for him well.

I try not to think about it too much. As she does not care for him how I or his mummy do. But at the end of the day I can't micromanage.

The reason he is with her would give no concerns about any of his family. I can understand in different circumstances that may not be the case. His safety is not under scrutiny.

Thanks for the insight.

OP posts:
hawesmead5 · 16/05/2024 22:56

Is she like me and keeps her summer wardrobe in the attic until the warmer weather. Maybe she just hadn't had time to go through it to check sizes? However, she still should have responded in the book. I used to be a Foster carer and I would have written back.

PrincessTeaSet · 16/05/2024 22:56

soupfiend · 16/05/2024 21:30

Is this case still in proceedings OP?

Is there a reason he isnt living with family rather than being in care while the proceedings go on?

If proceedings ended already, is there a plan for adoption? Its not the norm that a nursery aged child would be permanently in foster care, usually there will be an adoption plan if the child is not returning to their birth parents or going to live with family.

What have these nosey questions got to do with it?

Anyway it sounds as though she's controlling, doesn't like or approve of you, and basically sees you as an interfering mother in law. I wouldn't bother to pursue it especially as he's coming home soonish but it does sound less than ideal. You could just buy him some stuff and send it back with him although it very much sounds like she won't use it anyway

Allthesea · 16/05/2024 22:52

Could there possibly be a bit of a class or culture clash going on here?

Is she spending the money on branded sports gear or whatever because this is to her taste, and are you then putting him in dungarees from the likes of Mini Boden?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:51

Stealthmodeactivated · 16/05/2024 22:06

So you don’t have her number, but are taking care of him. What would happen in case of an emergency? Would you have to call the local authority?

What if the transport doesn’t turn up? Is very late?

I would be quite concerned by her lack of communication as well. Does she have lots of foster children? Perhaps this is an unusual situation for her as she is not used to having safe, actively involved, and reliable families?

Also, who says she is odd/difficult? Does she have a reputation for this behaviour? I appreciate that there is a serious shortage of foster carers, but they aren’t reassuring character traits you would like a person caring for your your loved one to have.

Perhaps you are right.

She seems to have a reputation. As so many professionals have said this about her.

But I suppose they are so short of foster cares!

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 16/05/2024 22:50

I have nothing useful to add but I just wanted to say OP, that it sounds like you're doing such an amazing thing for your nephew. He is so lucky to have you.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:47

Stealthmodeactivated · 16/05/2024 22:06

So you don’t have her number, but are taking care of him. What would happen in case of an emergency? Would you have to call the local authority?

What if the transport doesn’t turn up? Is very late?

I would be quite concerned by her lack of communication as well. Does she have lots of foster children? Perhaps this is an unusual situation for her as she is not used to having safe, actively involved, and reliable families?

Also, who says she is odd/difficult? Does she have a reputation for this behaviour? I appreciate that there is a serious shortage of foster carers, but they aren’t reassuring character traits you would like a person caring for your your loved one to have.

It would go through the SW in an emergency.

She only had DN currently (although apparently she can have 2 but has not wanted to take on another atm, due to DN's SEN)

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:45

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 22:05

What does "I want him looking like himself" mean. If he is a young child, (sorry if you have revealed his age and I've missed it) surely clothes should just be clean, comfortable and weather appropriate.

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Well, he likes clothes with dinosaurs on! And he gets hot so likes shorts and rompers etc. Just as an example.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:42

RawCarrotsAndSaladcream · 16/05/2024 22:02

I am too. Honestly, the biggest gift you could get your nephew is to open an account and put in a small amount of money in weekly that he can access at age 18. The FC can buy clothes; they are paid an allowance to do just this. If you are supplying clothes, they are making more money!

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He already has an account.

That's fine for the FC to get more money. She can use it for all the other load of things DC need!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:39

K37529 · 16/05/2024 22:02

I don’t understand how this set up is in the best interest of your nephew. Surely some face to face communication between you and her would be best for him, it would show him that yous get on, and if either of yous have any concerns about him yous can have an actual conversation about it. I would ask the social worker why this form of communication has been put in place and how exactly your nephew benefits from it. I never asked what my niece needed because I knew they would say nothing as they provide, but I did take her shopping, she’s a teen though so was really just a day out for her she loves shopping.

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I completely agree. Apparently this is the FC's request. I've wanted to have informal meetings with her so we are both on the same page. SW says she will try and persuade her but no luck.

Aww, my 12 yo loves shopping!

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 16/05/2024 22:38

I think you are being difficult because you dont like the situation. He is 3. Of course his 12 month old summer clothes wont fit. But the next size up.

Bridgertonned · 16/05/2024 22:36

If you go to the meetings, I wonder if it's worth talking to the child's independent reviewing officer? They will have a view if the foster carer isn't really up to scratch, and its not really ok for the social workers to just accept that the foster carer is a bit difficult. They might help put a bit of pressure on that the foster carer can't dictate everything.

Bridgertonned · 16/05/2024 22:34

Honestly OP, she sounds like some of the foster carers we deal with who really should have retired but they choose not to and the LA won't get rid of because of the shortage... but they're set in their ways, won't take on advice and just like looking after babies and cute toddlers and don't want to think too much about the families they've come from.
Sorry I know that sounds awful, we have some absolutely amazing carers but a few who just don't 'get it' and it's so frustrating when children are placed with them. Not that they're doing anything dangerous, but children in care have been through so much and they deserve the best, sensible, attuned care.
Things like understanding that tracksuits are perfectly practical but that clothing, and especially clothing provided by family has a significance beyond just being functional.

TigerOnTour · 16/05/2024 22:33

I have no idea about how to communicate with the foster carers but it has struck me that this little boy is so lucky to have you in his life 💗

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:33

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 21:55

It's a bit of a stretch to suggest she sold them. I used to be a FC and I took great care of any clothes or anything else that was given to the children I looked after by family members. I know there are always exceptions but most FC care very much for the little ones in their care and make a great effort to communicate with family members.

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I don't doubt she cares for DN and I'm told she looks after him well. I just wish she would communicate!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:32

BrassOlive · 16/05/2024 21:53

Same. I'd be so cross if one of my young people had a loving aunt trying to be an active part of his care and a foster carer was freezing them out. It sounds like she's complying with the spending time arrangements through gritted teeth and that's a problem.

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Thanks for the support - means a lot!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:31

converseandjeans · 16/05/2024 21:47

I reckon she has sold them on vinted or given them away.

I think she should communicate more about him - if he was in nursery they would take photos & do some sort of feedback about that day.

She's being paid so you shouldn't have to pay for clothes. Maybe the dungarees aren't really her idea of a nice outfit. They are a faff too when getting them dressed. So maybe she actually prefers the joggers.

How old is he? By about 3 both mine had clothes that they insisted on wearing. Does he show any preference?

Do you reckon she would really sell them? I assumed she might give them back to pass on in the family as I bought them? But who knows?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:29

converseandjeans · 16/05/2024 21:47

I reckon she has sold them on vinted or given them away.

I think she should communicate more about him - if he was in nursery they would take photos & do some sort of feedback about that day.

She's being paid so you shouldn't have to pay for clothes. Maybe the dungarees aren't really her idea of a nice outfit. They are a faff too when getting them dressed. So maybe she actually prefers the joggers.

How old is he? By about 3 both mine had clothes that they insisted on wearing. Does he show any preference?

I buy a range of clothes including tracksuits/stretchy shorts and t-shirts. Plenty of easy things to dress him in - rompers too. I love dungarees! Never found them a faff. If she does she can tell me and I'll keep them at home.

He is 3. He doesn't have a massive preference but he runs hot so loves shorts or little rompers in the summer. He also likes things with dinosaurs on them!

OP posts:
Samthedog71717 · 16/05/2024 22:28

It's not complicated though. Look at child, buy correct size clothes. Send home.

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 22:28

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:24

He's 3. But as I explained I like to buy his clothes so he looks nice. She doesn't need to buy him clothes.

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It's literally her job to buy him clothes. "Nice" is subjective. A 3 year old will have no idea about fashion (although they do have their own ideas about what they want to wear).

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:24

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 21:41

Foster Carers definitely get a very decent allowance which is more than enough to buy plenty of clothes for the children they look after so there is no need for you to ask what he needs. If you want to buy clothes as a present, just buy what you like, take him shopping when he is with you and write in the book that you took him shopping for clothes. How old is he?

He's 3. But as I explained I like to buy his clothes so he looks nice. She doesn't need to buy him clothes.

OP posts:
Sugarcoatedalmonds · 16/05/2024 22:24

No advice but I just wanted to say that you sound like a really lovely aunty. When your DN gets his notes as an adult, it will mean so much to him how much you cared when his mum wasn't able to ❤️

Really hope your family are happily reunited once its in DNs best interest xx

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:22

AGlinnerOfHope · 16/05/2024 21:34

So what’s the plan? Are you being assessed? Do you think he’ll be with her long term with you as support care?

He'll be with her a while longer. I hope not too much longer 🤞

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2024 22:21

AGlinnerOfHope · 16/05/2024 21:31

Some ideas from a former foster carer-
(Don’t take it personally, they are just guesses)

She’s not that interested in clothes, so isn’t sure why you are fussing.

The other children wear a different style of clothes so he doesn’t look like he belongs.

She is mainly interested in a consistent routine so she knows what he’s eaten and when he’s slept so she can manage his routine when he gets home. You going off piste disrupts her consistent routine based approach. That’s hat she wants to talk about in the book.

I had one family complain the clothes I sent were totally unsuitable and she needed lots of new clothes that were more suitable for day to day. They bought her tracksuits and trainers. She had great clothes she was allowed to play in and get messy. That never bothered me. They felt all her clothes were ‘best’.

I had another want the baby dressed in what they sent regardless of the weather, fit or comfort.

There will be a reason for her behaviour - it may be a misunderstanding or it may be very sensible.

Oh no I really appreciate your insight!

She could well possibly not be that bothered about clothes (unless something is left at mine and all hell breaks loose! 😂)

There aren't other DC.

She definitely likes her routine and woe betide you mess it up! I like to follow DN's routine and have to put up with what she does when he's there. She likes to give instructions. His SW has told me to ignore it all as she is over reaching and it's inappropriate. I'm going to be having DN overnight at the weekends soon so we'll almost be having him 50/50 but sure she'll still think it's her way or the high way!

I always imagined being able to just give her a call or have a quick chat when I see her which I have occasionally. She brought DN to his dental appointment recently. Should the book not just be about what she wants but about what is best for DN?

I buy clothes for DN that would fit into both categories - casual and slightly smarter. All suitable for playing in. I can understand if she's not bothered about clothes she just gets basic tracksuits. But what has she got against him wearing other things. She might think they are all 'best'? Why can't she communicate that and I can reassure her they are not just for 'best'.

I want him to wear nice summer clothes like shorts and short dungarees and rompers. I have my own DC that I managed to dress appropriately why does she think I can't dress DN??

It's so frustrating! As you say there must be a reason or misunderstanding - if only she would communicate.

She is the strangest person I've ever come across! Why would you send food every time when the DC has his meals with his family. I feel like just throwing it away!

OP posts: