To wonder how to communicate with foster carer?

I thought that the placing local authority shared PR with the parent in certain situations, like a child placed under a care order.

You might have to be the bigger person here I'm afraid as you don't want his placement to breakdown I assume and you don't want to disrupt the plans for 50/50. You can't micro manage his care with her. Hope it all goes ok with the 50/50.

Yes, but no, but…

I fed my kids well but culturally it’s not standard.
My friends did too.
But me and my friends and you aren’t the majority.

If you look at what’s sold in massive quantities in supermarkets, a hell of a lot of people are feeding kids chicken fridge raiders and snack attacks.

I would like to agree that NHS standards should be followed at all times.

Pragmatism suggests that we have to accept it’s not happening.

If care was ideal, we wouldn’t work so hard to keep our kids out of it.
If being a foster carer was easy, there would be more of them.

It’s not ideal. It is what it is. You do what you can, both as foster carer and relative.

I think this is fair. It’s also possible that the fact the OP isn’t the child’s mother, and doesn’t have PR, though she will be sharing his care with FC 50/50, is complicating relationships. I mean, the birth family/FC relationship can be complex at best.

It’s really tricky because you are supposed to treat the child like your own in most ways, but not in others.

The DC doesn’t know which family they feel part of- the one they are with, or the one they are born to. It would happen that strangers would assume I was mummy. DC wanted to call me mummy. I wasn’t supposed to let them, as they have a mummy. I didn’t let them and regret that hugely.

Can you see it as being a bit like divorced parents? You each have different expectations and just have to accept that the other doesn’t share them?

Your nephew is so lucky as a child I was a lac and I had a foster carer who wanted to be my mum it was so confusing

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Sorry for the explanations around things you're already well across and when you're already a great advocate for your DN needs. Its lovely he has you there. You sound like a fantastic Aunty. I'd be a lot less worried about my DC future if I knew they had someone like you to fight their corner if I couldn't care for them for a time.

I think it might be sensible to direct some of your frustration at the situation and not the foster carer. It must be very difficult to have a stranger looking after a family member and doing things differently to how you or your sister would. This isn't the foster carer's fault. She has stepped into a situation that you wouldn't have chosen to be in. The longer the thread is going on, the more it seems to me that you need to be right and you need her to be in the wrong, which is beginning to seem counterproductive to me. You both have to care for your nephew and you need the relationship to work. I think you've had some good advice to speak to the social worker about it to see if communication can be improved. Focus on building that relationship now, not rubbishing her.

This is dangerously falling into 'he said, she said' territory and with 50/50 beginning next week ,just try to step back from all of this unless you have safeguarding concerns which you still should share. I hope it all settles down for the little ones sake, otherwise this plan could be disrupted. You've got the measure of how she works, stop banging your head against a brick wall and concentrate on your time with your nephew.

Quick question- he’s going to nursery (communication book) and you (communication book ) anywhere else? All the bag packing and communicating can get a bit repetitive, even if it’s essential.

Is he coming to you straight from nursery?

It can get a bit full on, organisationally, all the bags and transport arrangements.

Also, she has a right to a semi private home life so may be in the habit of keeping relatives away from her house. I can’t think of anything worse than having a relative turn up ten minutes early and ask to use the loo (perfectly reasonable from their point of view) when I was trying to organise everyone and everything. When the SW came unexpectedly, for a home visit or similar, that was ok because they’d been many times before and would be understanding if they caught me on an off day where everything was going wrong! A relative, less so.

And while I totally agree with you about the food, it’s actually a bit snobby in practice. It’s perfectly normal to feed a child like that. I don’t. But know from other DCs lunch boxes that many if not most do.

My DC went to independent schools for various reasons. At the first, I was the slummy mummy sending ‘junk’ food while the others were on home made vegan stuff. At the next school, I was the health freak and everyone else was normal. Same food both times 🤣

I haven’t quite finished reading the thread, but from what I can see it’s just one of those things. You sound lovely, it’s quite unusual to have someone so committed and reliable in an FCs life. The relatives of mine were quite problematic for a variety of reasons.

For those thinking the longer term questions were irrelevant and nosy, they really weren’t If you are trying to understand someone’s behaviour it’s going to be affected by the situation!

I have known people who are excellent at looking after small DC who have really limited other skills. Maybe poor literacy, or poor communication skills. Makes them hard to work with, but no doubt the dc they look after is doing well. That’s not good in fostering- it’s a big, broad job- but if she’s the best they have available for a child with a specific set of needs then that’s it.

I have been in your position when my FCs move on and the next placement doesn’t want contact and seems to quietly rebel against it. It’s painful.
One day he’ll be home and she’ll be in your position. We were always encouraged to stay in touch but families were always keen to forget and move on!

Ah I see, so this is another 'i want advice but only if you agree with me' post 😂

You asked for advice, I have been in your position and theirs and you can't make a distinction between your life and their job. As long as that remains you'll continue to have an issue. Enjoy!

I'm a FC are I think it's odd that FC won't answer simple questions about if the clothes you bout him fit or not. Id just take him out and buy him a few T shirts and shorts if he gets hot. If he's average size I'd get 3-4 years. I'm assuming he had 2-3 last year. I'd buy him a few nice outfits to wear when he's with you and keep them at your house for him. Let his FC dress him when he's with her. I find it really weird that she packs food for him unless he's on a special diet. It's as if she doesn't think you feed him. I think it's quite rude of her. I would just throw it away and feed him what you want to. Also I wouldn't unpack the bags she sends then she can't complain you don't pack them properly. I suppose the main thing is his SW has told you she is taking good care of him until you can get him back with you full time.

I’m not a foster carer currently but I had children up until 2020 so fairly recent.

I would strongly suggest you drop this if he is coming to live with you. If it is a short term issue then pick your battles!

If this isn’t likely then his “home” is this families home and when he comes to visit you, then you are his auntie. You need to stop overstepping and remember you and not his mum but his auntie.

You mentioned that you have children of your own. If your child’s aunt said that it was not your job to buy your children clothes and it was HER job- would you agree?
It is literally legally and morally this ladies responsibility to cloth your nephew.
If you want to buy him nicer clothes that’s great and lovely, but your attitude towards it comes off controlling and like nothing she is doing for nephew is good enough.

We are all just guessing the foster carers reasons but asking 3 times in 5 weeks feels excessive to me, especially since where I am we have had two days of “shorts” weather so I haven’t even looked at the summer clothes for some DCs.
This would make me glad I hadn’t shared phone numbers with you as I would be worried you would ask even more if I did.

I don’t chat casually with the birth families about our lives as it’s not safe, although I pray and hope they are able to reunite.
If asked what your nephew had been doing I would write a list like “Beach. Finger painting. Crabbing. Playing in the garden. Park.”
I wouldn’t be sharing details like “We went to Blackpool beach and DN had a lovely bubblegum ice cream, which he had 3 licks of and then declared the best food ever! He loved the teacups and got a new hat from the seaside shop with a fish on.”
It sounds like the “she is difficult” stuff is her actually sticking to the foster carer training! Except the style of clothing issue which is identity.
I am told to pack food as almost all children have come from food instability backgrounds.
I am told not to share any details about where DC could be such as “Blackpool Pleasure Beach”.
I am told to use the book to communicate about YOUR VISITS not his life at my home.

I had one foster family that bought their 3 children all under 5 matching outfits but only one set at a time. They would ask the social worker to pass on messages such as “Can the girls wear the pink dresses with Minnie Mouse on on Saturday please as we have a party?”
These dresses were bought 18 months before and would definitely not fit. I chose to hand down the dresses so two wore the dresses and the eldest wore something else- that I had hoped was their style. I tried so hard to make sure they were happy.
They complained to the social worker I didn’t match the girls. They complained if the dresses didn’t fit I could have at least sent the matching outfits for the younger two so they could swap them all to match at their house. I didn’t have matching outfits for the younger two as I don’t dress them identical. I cried as I had tried so hard to please them.

They also used to give me one days notice to launder all the clothes. I hated the clothes by the end of it.
They also didn’t send hats back that I needed for nursery the next day! Literally forgot something every single time!

It's great if carers and family members can get on well and are on the same page as each other. But really it can be a complicated relationship .There may be other reasons why she feels she needs to keep boundaries in place, maybe she's had a bad past experience with a birth family. Not saying she should be nit picking or obstructive but it's not as simple as everyone being one happy family. From what you describe of her dressing your dn , there is an implied criticism that her standards aren't good enough however carefully you approach it, but I totally get you feeling he doesn't look like himself. I hope talking to the sw will help.