Will I ever get over my parents choosing my brother over me?

I'm not sure where I stated or implied that parents/grandparents weren't real people. Like all people, they should be free to make their own choices. However, choices always have consequences.

A choice was to move close to one of their multiple children, which is a very standard choice that parents of multiple children might someday make. However, no matter which child this is, the consequences will include a practical and emotional impact to all the children. It is normal for siblings to then compare this impact to one another.

It was not wrong for the parents to make this choice. But nor is it wrong for the Op to feel the impact of that choice and to work through the feelings that it causes. Op has not said they are taking their feelings out on their parents in any way, just that they are seeing a therapist to help process those feelings. Posting here is, presumably, a continuation of that.

Op, I hope you are able to work through your feelings so that they don't make you feel as sad and depressed.

what is it you exactly want? Maybe your brother makes more of an effort with the parents than you. Theyre only human too at the end of the day. you cant have it all

Aww that sounds nice!

Except maybe parents are real people who have emotions and active roles to play and value to contribute.

Do you not just think daughter moved away, had first grandchild, didn't need parents, enjoyed the in-laws .... and suddenly "outrageously entitled", is resentful that her parents are enjoying being being grandparents and actively involved and "feeling valued" with another grandchild.

Parents/ Grandparents are real people too. Most of them have a lot of love, energy and value to give.

It's usually best when there's a direct connection and availability between new grandchild and help needed and on-hand grandparents who want to be involved.

You chose to move 200 miles away from them. How are they abandoning you?!

They can't live near both you AND your brother - they'd have ended up living hours from both of you if they'd chosen a spot in the middle, which would have been pointless for all of you.

They haven't 'chosen your brother over you'. I'm guessing they simply thought about the area where you live and thought about the area where he lives and decided his area would suit them best.

I know 100% that if my mum moves away from her home town, she'll move near my sister rather than me, because my sister lives in an area that ticks all my mum's boxes. I wouldn't be offended by that.

@Bluesunflowering how far away are they now? Am I correct in assuming that they're now 75 miles closer than they used to be?

I think you should ask them why they moved. I bet you they have an answer that isn't 'we prefer your brother'. Why don't you move nearer to them?

It sounds more like you were set up and settled where you are and maybe they liked this new area better. Lots of people would feel like they were intruding moving to someones new town they'd lived in for years and years.

@Bluesunflowering You moved 200miles away..
Your parents probably were very upset by this but probably said nothing.

It’s understandable they want to be near one of their adult children as they are getting older.

I too used to feel like a massive second best ( stepdaughter) but one has to let it go or carry pain for ever.

is this another of those written by a bot?

They were going have to 'pick' one of you as it would be pointless to live in-between your locations.

It's difficult to say anything as you don't say where you both live.
It could be a simple explanation - you live near London, house prices are extortionate, they get more house for their money and retirement in Northampton.
You might live in the sticks, they might want to live in a town/ city with more services (or the other way round).
It's probably more to do with that rather than they 'picked' him - unless there's a huge backstory you're not telling us about.

You need to re-frame your thoughts

Your parents have moved closer to you, Op.

Do you drive the two hours often to visit them?
Have you made them a comfortable guest room and invited them to stay once per month?

It could have been worse and they could have moved in the opposite direction.

Look at the whole situation with a positive view.
You can easily also visit your brother and his kids when ever you visit your parents. That will be extra exciting for your son.
Make the effort to visit.

Be happy for your brother and for the fact that your SIL welcomes your parents so generously.
Create the best relationship that you can with your inlaws too.

You left them first!!

Bloody hell, hard work much?

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you need to change your mindset about this.

I live about 200 miles from my parents and 90 miles away from my in laws. We chose/needed to move here also due to work, that was our decision but we make a real concerted effort for our DD to speak with both sets of grandparents and see them either virtually or in person regularly. I had a great relationship with my own GPs and I want the same for her, regardless of distance. I know it seems a lot, but you can make an effort to get involved and have them involved in your DCs life. Have you told your parents how you feel? If you have a good relationship with your IL’s, lean into that.

My own brother lives closer to my parents, I’m sure when he and SIL have children my parents will be a lot more involved with their DC. I would love to have that level of involvement, but I also recognise I chose this life and I cannot dictate what my parents do with their lives.

You need to work on WHY you feel abandoned, and why you’re jealous of your DB.
Will you be as jealous when they are older and need more help while you are juggling teens, work and life?

You are living with the consequences of your choices. Maybe they prefer the area where your brother lives. You are making this personal and it probably isn't.

Well they can’t live in two places at once so it would be either you on here feeling left out or your brother🤷‍♀️

I get it, you 'feel' abandoned but you haven't been abandoned. You can't really argue with feelings.

One of my grandmothers lived a mile away growing up, the other was in England (I'm in Ireland). I loved them both the same and I was as close to both of them because I saw my Irish granny a couple of times a week and my English granny 4 times a year but when I did see her we'd spend a week together going on outings etc. I adored them both.

So I don't think it necessarily means your parents will be closer to your brothers kids. Your kids will get more quality time with them no doubt.

You moved away first.
Maybe your parents prefer the area your brother lives in to the one you live in.

In the nicest way it isn't about you. Change your mindset and reframe this. You aren't in competition with your brother. It's great that they get on so well with your brother and sil and should they need support then hopefully it's reciprocal.

If you want your parents to have a close relationship with your child then you need to make effort, regular phone or video calls, arrange visits or ask them to come to you. Plan days out with them. My kids are closer to my own parents who live 4 hours away than my mil who lives 10 minutes away. Yes they are closer to my nephew as they see him everyday but that is just life. Also take the time to reach out to your inlaws. That's what I have done, I speak to mil regularly, send videos of the kids, invite her around, show an interest in her life. You've got to be proactive if you want to foster good relationships.

I understand your feelings, as we have a similar setup. I have a brother and my DH has a sister, and we all moved to different places in the country for work after university. My brother and brother-in-law both work full time, my sisters-in-law both work part time, while DH and I both work full time.

When it came to selling up and downsizing, my parents chose to move within walking distance of my brother, and DH's mother (after his father passed away) chose to be within walking distance of his sister.

All I can advise is that firstly, it likely means that your parents knew that you would be able to cope without them being immediately on hand - unlike your brother. So you can take it as a kind of hidden complement.

Secondly, at the moment it likely seems very unfair with all the free assistance and childcare. Oh how annoyed I feel when I get told yet again that my parents are providing free after school/weekend/overnight babysitting so my DB and his wife can go out/do jobs in peace, or are cooking meals for DB and family or taking them out to restaurants.

Meanwhile, my DH and I pass like ships in the night, perpetually one step away from complete chaos, trying to handle everything and the kids with minimal day-to-day help.

But just remember that in a decade or two the tables will turn. Your parents will start needing a lot more help with their lives. Being taken to appointments, handling administration tasks, assistance with DIY, etc. But you're 200 miles away, and so it's time for your brother and his family to repay the help they were given.

Meanwhile, you will finally get to enjoy some well earned peace and quiet!

Well I guess it made sense to be near one of you and presumably they prefer where your brother lives.

You can still have a close relationship face time and quality time in visits.

It would have been the same if they chose to live near you rather than your brother.

On the plus side when it switches and they need more support it won't be you having to factor that in

OP, I get it, it's been the same for me and my sister my whole life, always her, she always has to come first. I had therapy and it did help. I moved away after amd not because of that but honestly the distance has helped.

if your that bothered/jealous about it, move & live closer to them.

I think this is very unlikely to just be about the location your parents moved to. You're an adult and it is a strange reaction for an adult to have. There must be some deeper issues at play here that hopefully you will uncover at therapy.

I actually thought this too. Depending on dynamics it may be that the parents consider OP more independent overall.

Either way, they can live where they like and it doesn’t have to be about her. She’s grown.