Men still get away with this. Why?

When they decide to ‘waft’ back and discover that the dcs don’t want anything to do with them they direct their anger at the resident parent. They claim that the resident ( usually the woman) has turned the dcs against them.
The truth is that they haven’t bothered with the dcs for years and don’t pay or pay very little CM

I honestly believe that state should fund resident parents for the actual costs of raising a child where the non-resident parent won't or cant but be able to extract the equivalent labour of the costs at minimum wage from the NRP.

This is genius.

Also there should be a lot more respect for the resident parents who step up even when their hearts are breaking. Money is the most important thing from a practical view, but the lask of respect is what keeps resentment and sadness going. People might think you should "get over it" but how can you get over a situation that's ongoing?

Yep. My exH sees our kids once a week for a couple of hours. Yesterday, he didn’t turn up and the children told me it’s because he’s on holiday!

Incidentally, 85% of lone parent families are headed up by women https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2023

Have you read that correctly OP? The mother moved away, not the father. The PP doesn’t need to make any excuse for either her husband, or his ex.

I'm another who says women can be just as bad. My sons stbxw walked out, hardly sees her heartbroken, confused young daughter and leaves all the bill paying, childcare and costs to my son. She shows up occasionally, seemingly to take photos of mum and daughter to put on facebook. He has full parental responsibility and wouldn’t dream of abandoning his daughter. He has a male friend in a similar position.

Majority of men do life on their terms and that includes responsibility for their children

What's even worse is that they not only get away with it, they often also get called an 'amazing dad' who 'lives for his kids' even though he's only seeing him when it suits him and often barely paying anything.

How do you know the mother didn't end the relationship? I knew a girl who got pregnant in her late teens. Father was the same age. He asked her to marry him, worked hard to pull together a deposit to buy a house. They married and had 2 children. After a few years she decided she didn't love him anymore, kicked him out of the house he worked hard to pay for, and installed a new boyfriend. This poor young man was still having to pay for everything while she was enjoying her new life in his home. Her parents were absolutely furious about her behaviour and refused to speak to her for years.

So while we rightly criticise some men who choose to leave their family, its not always by choice, some women can be just as bad

No, you can't just hand your DC over to Social services. It doesn't work like that.

I don't think the term bitter should come into play here you've got every right to be angry I certainly would be.

There's plenty of great dads and mums out there, then there's those that shouldn't of had kids. My mother never had a maternal bone in her body. so I can speak from experience.

You only see the good bits about a person at the beginning and it's only what they show you. You can only hope they are decent especially after having children.

Or he knew how to say all the right things and put on an act for a couple of weekends a month. Show, don’t tell.

It’s the way society is set up.

to be completely honest, I don’t think I’d want to change it. Yes it’s shitty when men don’t step up, but would I really not want to be female and the default parent?

how many of us hand on heart would prefer to be the full time worker while dh went pt or sahd? How many of us willingly take on that role?

personally I’d rather be the one holding the baby. The idea of them living elsewhere 50% of the time does not appeal to me. As it stands in divorce women will always be RP unless there is neglect or abuse, so no need to be in court deciding who wants to be RP. If men did start giving up work to be a sahP, would we be happy for them to automatically get main carer status and only see our kids eow?

I know my brothers divorce nearly killed him. He didn’t want to be a part time dad. He saw them as much as possible, but knew it was very much on her say so and she could stop access at any time. He saw them a lot, but only when she chose to allow him.

Its the patriarchy. Every system and everything we do favours men and male priorities.

My step sons fiancee walked out on him and their three under 5s - refuses to see any of them alone. Its not just men. Some people are born without any sort of empathy for others.

Another thread recently referred to a man with three children and three ‘baby mothers’. I detest this term because to me it suggests the men using the women to bear their children and then having the privilege of playing dad whenever and however it suits them. I agree with your views entirely.

@Utmilj his Dad saw him maybe once week until he was 2, I had to go to CSA and he paid 20 quid a week for a bit. Then turned up drugged up and saying he was going to take him to a girl's house...that he met the night before. I walked off with DS1 and said contact centre until you can prove you are off drugs and compos mentis enough to make safe decisions when you have DS in your care, he faffed about threatening to take me to court and moaned for a year and didn't see DS, eventually agreed to see DS in a contact centre then saw him maybe every 3-4 weeks until DS was 12 when DS decided he wasn't going to go as often. Now he seems him approx twice a year. DS isn't impressed with him at all really as he has got into conspiracy theories and told DS he shouldn't go on a big school trip or go to university they work it out for themselves eventually when they notice the lack of every day stuff IME.

This is exactly what I tried to convey on a post the other day but you put it so much better . And you are so right..TBH I wasn't that bothered about money but do wish DDs dad actually looked after them more ( or at all) rather than leaving it to me 24/7

Marriage doesn’t protect our kids from these men, sorry to disappoint pp. My EXH is who knows where, he has CSA taken straight from him and a fee is lost to admin, and he has not seen in his children or contacted me in years. We haven’t moved, I have the same number and email. He’s just…. Gone. I was married, it meant nothing. It upsets me that I have had to not only hold the fort as a lone parent, but pay tax into a system that is then holding me up. My EXH is hiding income and contributing zero outside of CSA mandated contributions. I have to claim Universal credit while he spends his time and money on himself. There is no law against abandoning your children, and there really ought to be.

When these men are old and incapable / lonely, they will find out that their children don’t want to see them or look after them. They’ll be left to die on their own. Unloved and lonely. Everybody reaps the consequences if they actions.

This a million times over.

Yes, they are shits who walk away with no responsibility and no guilt I can see, no they shouldn't get away with it, but in a hundred lifetimes I wouldn't switch places with my ex.

And I absolutely believe any truly reasonable man will regret it when it's too late.

Easy solution - don't have children.

I honestly believe that state should fund resident parents for the actual costs of raising a child where the non-resident parent won't or cant but be able to extract the equivalent labour of the costs at minimum wage from the NRP. This would encourage men to pay rather than hiding their self-employed income or choosing to become STHP to their new girlfriends kids. You should have to pay for your kids neither the resident parent or the tax-payer should have to pick to up for you.

Well, divorce was only legalised in my country in the late 1990s, and in practice, even in countries where it was legal, many women were trapped in loveless marriages because they didn't earn enough to leave. And I don't think the 'a man provides for his family' rhetoric generally prevailed through separation and divorce proceedings -- that tended to be the 'she took me for everything I've got, the bitch' narrative.

Has it always been like this? Or is it getting worse?
I don’t remember any of my classmates parents splitting up or getting divorced. Mind you it was ages ago, perhaps the stigma of divorce isn’t what it once was means more couples split rather than carry on.
But there was a time , again ages ago, when a man would be embarrassed to not provide for his family. His friends would tell him to buck up and sort it. His parents definitely would.

Women are stopping having babies altogether and it's becoming a societal issue. Even the Pope is exhorting how "selfish" they are and having children is being reframed in many countries as a national duty.