Men still get away with this. Why?

Tbf, having grown up in a single parent household after my dad dropped dead when I was in primary school, I went into parenthood with the expectation that I may, for whatever reason, end up solely responsible for any dc.

it seems no one expects divorce or their man to turn into a deadbeat. We see many posts on here from women in vulnerable positions who strongly believe they dh’s won’t cheat, are good dads, and would definitely never leave them in the shit with the kids.

fine. But what if he has a heart attack and dies. Or a car crash leaves him in a vegetative state. Or he has a mental breakdown and disappears. then you won’t even be able to fight for CMS, however paltry.

dh and I shared responsibilities from the start. He had to. I worked shifts, so he had to be the default parent on those days. I was out of work for 6 months, and it was frightening how quickly we slipped into the “man works, woman cleans cooks, and sorts the kids default”. Once I was back at work we got back into the 50:50 routine.

from other couples I know if the woman works the man does step up. I know two dad from the school run who have very high flying wives, so they pick up the slack. It’s it always seems to be women who “volunteer” to be the sahP with no thought as to any consequences.

I have a friend in a similar situation - and before the usual suspects tell me how convenient that is, I’ve spoken about it on here before today a good few times.

It’s not just men who abandon kids, and I’m not going to let it be portrayed that way given how much effort I see a good friend go to in terms of looking after his kids while his ex gets drunk and shags about.

My step sons fiancee walked out on him and their three under 5s - refuses to see any of them alone. Its not just men

^

I'd say this is a highly unusual situation. It's more often than not men who pull this kind of stunt

'He charmed me' in other words. Charmers always know what to say.

It should be a crime not to pay for your children, not to support them in non/financial ways, or to not see them.

^

It is a crime in the US. You can't even buy a donut if you haven't paid your alimony

Good to remember that there are lots of wonderful dads out there.

I cannot believe how many men can literally just walk away from a human being aka their child.

It should be a crime not to pay for your children, not to support them in non/financial ways, or to not see them.

That.

And you're told you're a man hater if you point it out. My x was ordered to pay 600 pm. I appealed, my own solicitor looked at me like i was mad, afterall, wasn't i being given free money??? He was free to work and earn, like my x, but the concept that 50% of my freedom to be available to work and earn was stolen from me didn't occur to solicitor, or x. My upped his pension contributions to the max so that 11% would be much lower. Even though I paid the childcare, it was not in my power to MAKE the x take responsibility for child half the week. He had the power to take responsibility from me, but didn't. He stopped paying and I just accepted it. He blames me our daughter wants nothing to do with him. It's all connected. He treated me like an opponent. He won. That's who he is. Our daughter sees him but he doesn't see himself so he blames me.

There are definitely more lousy dads than mums. But part of the reason is biological: women bond with their offspring by necessity - carrying the child, providing the child nutrition from their own body. For men it’s a choice. And in some cases, at least historically, men are sometimes not even sure whether it’s their own child.

Women also - rightly - have the sole vote in whether to keep or terminate a pregnancy. And because of the role of primary carer being automatically conferred on women from conception due to biological reality, if a woman chooses to divorce their husband in the early years, even through no fault of the husband, the courts will nearly always rule - again rightly - that the husband should be the one to leave the family home, with only occasional access to his own children.

So basic biology already leaves things very unbalanced, with men having less intrinsic connection to the newborn baby, and this fact being recognised in difffeent strands of law in the majority of developed nations. No need to refer to the supposed patriarchy or anything else.

As for the argument that men should pay their wives for childcare/domestic labour, well good luck with that with many families struggling to pay bills and mortgage WITH one person doing completely unpaid domestic work throughout childhood years. Where’s the magic money tree to make this work?

Although admittedly there are some countries that do this in similar form - where a man (or more correctly, the man’s family) pays a large sum (plus usually providing a house)to his wife/wife’s family upon marrying. This is still very common practice in China for example. But I’m not sure it’s a route we should want to go down, with women being effectively “purchased” into the marriage with all the old fashioned sexist baggage that bring. . I’m not sure that’s the route to improving womens experince of marriage/parenthood.

You work with over 250 men under 40 and none of them want children because they think a woman is going to screw them over? 🤔

Young women should not be misled into thinking that 50/50 is the norm, the default, and a realistic thing to expect. Because it just isn't.

Yep, it's "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Sadly it's reality and we need to go into it with our eyes open.

In my experience, parenting was much easier for women who have helpful family nearly. I'd suggest staying close to family (if they're nice), if possible.

My point is that many men don't want to do this. They won't step up. Whatever nice words they say, they won't actually do their full 50%, either before or after splitting up from their child's mother.

It is more realistic to expect this behaviour from men and plan with it in mind, rather than hoping against hope that the man you have chosen will be 'one of the good ones' who is actually willing and able to do 50/50 properly.

Young women should not be misled into thinking that 50/50 is the norm, the default, and a realistic thing to expect. Because it just isn't.

So if you’re married why are childcare costs the woman’s?

so often we see “my wages don’t cover childcare” as a reason to give up work. What about his?

why aren’t men doing half the housework and child raising? Why aren’t they taking days off work when the kids are sick?

because the woman has given up work or reduced her hours to take on those responsibilities. When his job is the main or sole income, he can’t be risking it taking days off when he has a wife available.

If we don’t want to be left with a disproportionate burden of childcare and domestic duties we need to stop taking them on. Both partners go part time if a sahP is decided to be the best option. Or accept things will be tight during the childcare years but will massively ease with two working adults in the future. or in the case of a split be massively easier when the precedent is set for 50:50 of the shared care, and both partners are financially self sufficient.

My ex has paid (to date-27 years)

drumroll

£1

He has the nerve to tell everyone it's my fault 'his children' won't see him as I've poisoned them against him and that I've had enough of 'his money' over the years

The truth is,he left me for a 14 year old,got her pregnant (rape but was never 'done' for it even when a dna test proved he was the father) and landed himself in prison for drug dealing (and I was told by a snotty csa advisor that if he was in prison,he didn't have to pay)

In the middle of all this,he dragged me through the courts (a controlling tactic) which was the worst experience ever-i was told he didn't have to pay as 'It's up to you to provide for them' (sod the fact they are half his)

Csa where worse than useless-they couldn't find him (I gave his address),need more info-i handed most over,couldn't enforce payment-he claimed he couldn't afford to pay (while sat on his 5* holiday abroad,while I was scraping the money together to feed the kids) so they settled for writing to him once a year and not bothering to follow up when he just tore them up and laughed

Oddly,he's never short of girlfriends who buy into the 'evil ex who won't let me see my kids' bullshit

His whole family know he didn't pay but tell everyone 'she only got herself pregnant so she could claim his money'

I would have been the talk of harley street if I'd got myself pregnant with no help from him

Perhaps naively, I was surprised that there were women out there who would date men with very young children. My ex fucked off when our DC was only a few months old and got with a woman who then got pregnant to him within 12 months. Less than that in fact.

If I met a man who was separated from his wife/partner and he had a tiny baby, I'd be doing the decent thing and telling him to get on his bike, right back to his responsibilities.

If a man on a minimum wage could afford a place big enough to have his kids it might help. If they end up in an HMO, they can't have kids to stay. If they find somewhere bigger they can't get rent help as children's primary residence is with mum. Housing is definitely a problem for everyone.

A start for what? Isn’t that just blaming women for men’s failings? You can’t force a man to marry you and marriage isn’t in many women’s best interests.

Haven’t read all responses but I think on a primary level, we are animals, the males just shag and leave, the females are left to raise the little ones, on social level as you say OP you can give the kid to social services and I am sure some women do for various reasons, but most don’t, because physically and mentally they can’t imagine being without their children, it’s just a fact. In my mind, as long as there’s mother’s love, there’s hope for this world. It’s not fair on us but it’s fair on the kids not to leave them as well, and to hell with the bastards dads, it’s literally their loss.

Is that a dig at my post? What point are you trying to make exactly? Men should not have to pay for anything?

Because she has young children and can't work full time, or can't afford the childcare, or has had to take a knock to her career so can't earn as much, etc.
It is all part of a big knot of problems.

In an ideal world, women would not find their careers suffer after taking maternity leave, they would be able to afford childcare, employers would be happy to have lots of staff on part-time hours, men would do half the housework and mental load, half the childcare, half the days off work for sick children, etc. etc.

But I just can't see it happening. We are fighting a losing battle if that is what we are really aiming for.
Some lucky women get this kind of equal relationship, but most women won't have this. The men just don't want it.

How patronising.
I was with my ex husband for 10 years when our first child was born. We had talked at length about who would do what, how things would work. When it came down to it he just always had an excuse.

No, blaming capitalism for why young men are reluctant to commit in the first place - I was responding to a previous poster.