To video call racist unapologetic SIL to DDs 1st birthday?

You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?

I don’t know why this kind of stuff bothers you. People only have the dimmest idea of what foreign countries are like, and it is largely formed by cheap stereotypes.

When people learn where I’m from, it’s all, ‘Did you own a gun? Was there ever a shooting when you were at school? Why do cops shoot black people? I hear people go into huge debt just for basic medical care … ‘ stuff like that.

Asking someone about their Country I think is fine. Asking in a way, filled with derogatory stereotypes is not ok, and says a lot about the person asking in such a way. The insensitivity in the questioning would ring bells for me, personally. It is not always easy to address such things with family that someone may have married into. The Husband's silence would be more of a pressing matter.

No , just get on with your life.

Why would you, or your child,want or need to be around people like that.

I'm not going to comment on your other half's silence.!

if its worse your dh didnt say anything why arent you saying to him to get lost

I think it does sound racist. It's incredibly ignorant and rude to question OP with lazy, racist stereotypes.

I don't blame her for distancing at all.

I would be even more angry at your coward of a husband letting someone talk to you like that.

Would many Aunties or Uncles want to call a niece or nephew or their first birthday? I wouldn’t think it would be a common thing, especially as it sounds like they haven’t spent much time with you all! So the situation probably won’t even come up.

They sound ignorant and uninterested in your DD.

I wouldn't bother suggesting a video call. SIL may not bother even trying to get in touch/see DD anyway.

If someone asked you questions you'd get pissed off..

But you think ethnic minorities owe it to you to educate you. They don't.

If he said "nice tits love. Get me a beer" then that's pretty clear cut.
Asking someone about their country and why they came to a particular country isn't in itself clearly racist.

Ethnic minorities are not here to appease your curiosity.

I have a friend from India. She speaks about her family a lot. How they like to display their wealth. How they look down on her when she goes home because they feel she is too "Westernised". She doesn't dress in full Indian Sari with jewellery and makeup like they do. I'm curious about her life, because I know very little about India, and their culture. By definition a "minority" is going to be something that the "majority" mightn't not be very familiar with. If we are discouraged from discussing how do we learn?

Questions or comments might unintentionally offend. But surely - especially in a family situation - the offending comment can be addressed and explained why it is offensive and everyone learns?

I don't think I'd be getting into discussion with some randomer on the street. But family?

You shouldn't ask at all. Who gave you the right?

I wouldn't ask in such a way which is why I said it might be clumsy curiosity

It's not a threat

Its a reflection of reality.

People fear what they don't understand and absorb anger and reflect it back. Answering one question might seem arderous to you but might open their eyes or at least sate curiosity. Responding to a question with anger and "I'm not here to educate you" is off putting and creates bad feeling and tension.

It's not just exclusive to issues of race either. It's regarding all issues of bigotry and hatred

If hatred can be taught by parents etc, then it can also be unlearnt/counter by education and those who experience it

Very valid point.

If it was clumsy interest and not intentionally racist they would have apologised.

OP. They sound awful. If they can't apologise and your DH can't say anything then why bother letting them talk to your child.

And no doubt those so willing to overlook the Bil crass questioning, have not had to put up with racist stereotyping. So it is easy for them to brush off what other people, who know what they are experiencing, say. Maybe just try listening for once.

So you’d be fine with someone asking you ‘You come from a poor country. Why are you in Europe?, Do you live in a slum?, Do people sit on top of the trains?’

And would you ask these questions?

If you heard someone ask these questions you’d think it was fine?

Depends what he said

In all things I prefer to give people a second chance. Unless its explicitly offensive or bigotry.

Funnily enough, I find plenty of MN explicitly bigotry when it comes to certain topics...

Cant you educate him - we love comfortably, I came here because x y z, no I don’t live in a slum.

It could be true that many people from your country are poor. It doesn’t make it racist to think that. Tactless, but not racist necessarily.

This, all day, every day!

This. How ridiculous, and offensive to suggest that people will be turned racist, just because a black, or brown person will not meekly answer intrusive questions, and it will somehow be their fault.

100%!

And for those saying they'd ask the same question - why? Why do you need to know why someone is living where they are? Just accept that they are here and move on.

Ethnic minorities are not here to appease your curiosity.

Threatening ethnic minorities that they will be met with bigotry if they don't submit to your questioning is terrible.

If the OP was complaining of her Bil being sexist towards her, I highly doubt there would be so many posters asking for examples, or trying to tell the OP that he was just being clumsy, and did not mean to be like that.