Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being stubborn to not ask my parents

31 replies

Chillpill22 · 16/05/2024 06:46

Hi all

I am in a bit of a predicament and need some different perspectives. I have had to hand in notice to my landlord recently as he is planning to put up my rent by £350. Since I moved in 4 years ago the rent will have gone up by £550 this is despite him not doing any significant work that would increase the value of the house (literally the same as when I moved in). Anyway looking around my area I have been really disheartened at the state of the properties available for rent. Much less space then what I had for much more than what I was paying. I refuse to pay the type of money some landlords are requesting for the type of property they are offering so I have been looking further afield where the quality of housing and space is much better for a more reasonable price.

Anyway the problem with that is I am not planning to move jobs or my kids schools so it would increase my commute. My commute is looking like it will be in total about 1 hour 40 minutes though broken up with drop offs. My sister and friends are telling me that it is too far and that i won't be able to sustain that commute but my commute is already about 45 minutes to 1 hour so I feel it depends on your appetite for driving.

Instead what my sister and friend are suggesting is that I ask my parents to move in with them with my kids and save money for about a year so that I can afford to buy my own house on one of the 5% deposited shared ownership type schemes. My parents live in a convenient location that would make it easy for me to get to work and kids schools. However my brother still lives at home and although he has plans to move out its unclear when this will be. There are 4 bedrooms and my parents each have their own room so I would have to share with someone either my kids or mum. I am not the easiest person to live with as I like my space (i moved out when i was 24) and am a bit territorial so would struggle to share space with my family especially as parents can be hoarders so tend to not have alot if available space. Also collectively there is the stuff of my other siblings in the house which would reduce my space. Mum likes socialising and has people in and out of the house most days. Plus I'm not even sure they would want me there as there has been conflict between me and siblings in the past. Plus both my parents can be difficult and though it's easy to get along with them when I am not living with them I'm afraid the proximity will be traumatising for me, my kids and them. Or it could be a good thing?

Anyway despite all of that I am being told that I am being stubborn not to ask my parents and I am making my own life difficult. That I should just put up with it for a year so that I can save enough and stop paying so much in rent. So basically am I being unreasonable to not want to move back with my parents even for a year (I'm late 30s)? Should I just pay higher rent where I live for less space or is what I am planning to do moving further away and commuting in a good idea. Let me know your thoughts.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Chillpill22 · 24/05/2024 06:06

Thanks for your advice. I managed to find a property in my area that I am happy with. Its a bit more than what I am paying and smaller but the area where it is is really nice and the rooms are a decent size so I don't feel too put out by it. My landlord is still looking for someone. Although he has made an effort to improve the appearance of the property for potential new tenants viewing it the underlying problems are peaking through for anyone who is looking carefully. So where he has painted certain sections of the wall are not drying because of the damp. Any how not my problem anymore. I still might consider moving in with parents when my brother moves out and both rooms become available. My rent/living costs are high and the time it would take to save up a deposit is going to be really long unless I find a way to reduce them or increase my salary considerably. Staying with them for one year might be a solution to that problem but I need to set the right conditions for that first by repairing my relationship with siblings and also helping them to clear out some more stuff from their house.

OP posts:
maria2bela1 · 20/05/2024 02:14

I think commute would burn you and kids out. It could be worth asking your parents if there was a strict deadline, then everyone would suck it up until the year was up because they know there's an end in sight. The other option is to just stay put and make your landlord work for the extra rent. Make him repair the house and fix it up etc. Everyone is struggling with similar issues right now regarding out of control rents.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 02:12

The additional £350 in rent will pale in comparison to what you'll pay in petrol/trains, and the additional time spent commuting will be far more taxing than you realise. Moving in with your parents is a horrendous idea.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/05/2024 02:03

Could you move into a cheaper one bedroom flat - kids share a bedroom and you get a sofa bed in the living room. Then save the difference to buy. It will be tough and cramped but sounds better than staying in a toxic environment at your parents or a horrendous commute

Ponderingwindow · 20/05/2024 01:39

No, I wouldn’t move back in with your parents unless you had no other choice. You are a grown adult with your own children.

I do think you should really consider your planned move though and look at all the costs. How much will the commute cost? Will lack of time cause expense creep? What about days when you need to stay by the school late so can’t really justify going home? Expenses on those days will add up.

converseandjeans · 20/05/2024 01:29

I think the extra commute will cost loads in petrol. Also what about weekends - kids parties, seeing friends etc?

Personally I would prioritise buying a place & also I would consider the kids sharing as something which might be your only way to get on the housing ladder.

Could you not move in & have regular weekends where you maybe go stay in a YHA or Travelodge or caravan park? So you & parents get a break?

If you did this for say 6 months you could save £9k in rent.

VikingsandDragons · 19/05/2024 21:01

@Chillpill22 - can I ask have you costed up the commute in terms of petrol/diesel/electric not just in time? My husband's commute time is half that but it's about £16.50 a day until he swapped to an EV, not accounting for wear and tear etc. I'd factor in the extra petrol to the decreased rent to check you really are saving what you think you are, because it seems like a LOT of miles and lost time.

Original poster
Chillpill22 · 18/05/2024 11:07

Hi all

Thanks again for the replies. I think I can handle the commute. My kids are used to being out of the house by 7ish and wake up at 6am. I would need to leave an hour earlier to avoid traffic so will wake them up an hour earlier. I agree I don't think living with my parents will work especially with my brother there. I don't want to move to a 2 bed flat as my kids are getting older and I feel they need their own rooms. I know the cost I'm saving on rent will be spent on transport but I think to go home to a home that meets mine and my children's needs will make up for it rather than spending that money paying someone else's mortgage and where we are living is not giving the quality of life I want. Its very important for me to get value for money. I'm okay with paying for rent if I feel the house/flat warrants that price but not when the landlord hasn't improved the property significantly since I moved in.

OP posts:
AllAtSeaAgain · 17/05/2024 18:47

Your sister and friends need to keep their beaks out, to be honest.

Moving in with your parents sounds an absolute no go and there's little point in agonising about it if you haven't asked them. Three of their four bedrooms are occupied, so I cannot imagine they will jump for joy at the idea of housing you and your DC. And it's not going to work, the (3?) of you sharing a bedroom, is it? Your Mum will not want you sharing her bedroom, why on earth would she agree to that?

I think you have to look for settle for a 2 bed flat for now.

Superstoria · 17/05/2024 18:38

Surely moving away will cost you as much in petrol each month as the rent increase?

MuggleMe · 17/05/2024 18:35

I don't think you'll cope with moving in with your parents.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/05/2024 18:32

Your parent’s living situation does not sound at all suitable. Sharing a room with your Mum???

A commute of 1 hour and 45 minutes just sounds absurd to me.

I would ring the landlord and have a frank chat with him. I would say ‘look it’s a pain for both of us if I move out, you have to have viewings, take references blah blah blah and I don’t particularly want to move. Could we come to some agreement? If you fix the damp, I can pay an extra £225 a month? See what he says. It’s worth a try, you openly admitted that there are worse properties for more money, so maybe it’s worth paying the increase until you can find a better alternative.

CulturalNomad · 17/05/2024 18:02

Moving in with your parents isn't fair to them. It sounds like you'll be crowded and having two small kids added to a household that is not used to having children is going to cause difficulties.

You've listed plenty of reasons why you wouldn't be happy living with your parents but I'm not sure that you've considered how they might feel about having to rearrange their lives to accommodate you and your children.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but moving in with your parents is most certainly not the answer. Good luck!

Sisiwawa · 17/05/2024 17:48

There are now 100% mortgages available, and also mortgages for good private tenants that cost around the same as the rent, you have to be a good tenant with no arrears etc. I can't remember who's doing these schemes, might be Halifax, but worth looking into, have a look in to these schemes, and also speak to a mortgage broker to see what schemes/ deals are around. you may be able to buy sooner than you think.

LightSpeeds · 17/05/2024 17:20

If it's the only way to get on the housing ladder, I think you should seriously consider moving in with your parents to let you save a deposit.

Otherwise you may be renting for the rest of your life...

Original poster
Chillpill22 · 17/05/2024 16:53

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately i cant afford the rent increase at all. To give you the cost in real terms when I first moved in I was paying £1350 for a 3 bedroom house with garden. It steadily increased in the 4 years I have been here to £1500 but now landlord wants to put it up to £1850. I wouldn't even pass the referencing for that. The other properties I have seen in my area are £1500 for a 2 bed flat but I just keep feeling really disappointed at how small the bedrooms are and moving back in to a flat from living in a house. Moving out of my area would enable me to move to a better house then the one I currently live in (no damp, bigger garden, garage, quiet area) for a lower price then what I'm currently paying. I think seeing what I could have if I moved an hours drive away has made me so dissatisfied with accepting the more expensive rents in my area. But at the same time I don't want to rent forever so potentially living with parents for a year or 2 could help me save and not be subject to the whims of landlords and the volatile housing economy. I could give up on having my own room till my brother moves out and just sleep in the living room or in my kids room but it would just make me feel like such a failure. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/05/2024 10:12

I think you are right not to move in with your parents, given your personality and their hoarding and chaotic household, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

But I do think you may need a different plan. Are you really moving because of the condition of the house, or because of the rent going up (which you mentioned first)? If the latter, I would suck up the rent increase while your son is at school. I don't think the commute you are proposing will work, and it doesn't sound as if you can afford the area you are in longer term.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/05/2024 10:04

Surely 500
Extra is worth it to avoid the petrol and your kids living so far from their school friends and community? Sadly the landlords mortgage will have gone way up and the government now over taxes landlords so they have to pass on a lot of the costs. Have you checked if you could get any universal credit to help pay it?

Original poster
Chillpill22 · 16/05/2024 09:58

My son is in a great school right now and I don't want to move him. By train the commute to his school would be 56 minutes and when he is a bit older I might show him how to get there by train. The commute is long but I am used to long commutes. I used to live in Berkshire and commute in to South London for work. This is a lot more straightforward. But the worry is that I will move that far and my rent will start creeping up again and force me to move again. Buying a flat in a year or 2 years time is a way to get around that. I will be 40 in 2 years so I would prefer to not be renting then. But I feel very perturbed at the thought of moving in with parents. I can deal with my dad as he has a very regular routine and is easy to manage but my mum is highly sensitive and a lot passive aggressive. I can imagine her being mad at me about some perceived wrong I've done and giving me the silent treatment or bitching about me to my sisters. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Ladybir · 16/05/2024 08:08

It doesn't sound like either your commute or staying with your parents is sustainable, for you or the children. I think you need to look for a new job and school in the new area

makeanddo · 16/05/2024 07:56

How much is the additional petrol and car wear and tear going to cost you?

How old are the children? At secondary already or do you need to factor in being in catchment?

Have you looked at a radius to see if, strange as it seems, moving a different direction actually gives more choice and an easier commute?

Nonewclothes2024 · 16/05/2024 07:54

I think the commute sounds awful.
I couldn't move back in with my parents.
Would they even be happy to have you all living there ?
I think it's really cheeky to expect to share your mum's room.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 16/05/2024 07:45

An hour and forty minutes commute with children is a killer. I’ve done similar and it’s not sustainable.

Maryamlouise · 16/05/2024 07:38

Just seen your update and changed my mind given landlord is not doing essential repairs

Autumn1990 · 16/05/2024 07:37

Ask your parents to loan you the 5% deposit?
You can put a touring caravan on a domestic drive and live in it without planning permission. Do your parents have a drive? You could all sleep in it during the summer/autumn and then sleep in their house during the winter. It would be worth trying to buy a house. Could your parents loan you half the deposit and you stay there less time?

Swipe left for the next trending thread