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Original poster

FIL 'took' Our car!

358 replies

LostMyCar · 15/05/2024 21:16

Evening all,

I'll start by saying that I've NC as I don't want this linked with my previous posts. This is a long one so I do apologise in advance...

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave.

FIL has been kind enough to help with the search and the other night found a good deal. He went to view the car and arranged to buy it the next day. FIL had 1k of our money (from selling a car last year) and we transferred the remaining balance of the car over. We're excited that we've got a good deal and BIL mentions that he might want to buy the car off us when we leave. Great!

The next day DH gets a message from FIL to say that he and BIL are on the way to collect the car. All good. Then BIL sends a message to the group chat saying he's going to need to borrow our car whilst his car is getting an MOT. He doesn't ask, he assumes.

Bit of backstory - BIL (by Dh's own admission) is an immature man child who is often reckless and verbally abusive when he doesn't get his own way. He can't hold down a job and FIL is constantly bailing him out of messy situations. FIL is definitely his enabler.
DH says no I'm really sorry but I don't want you using my car. I'm not buying it for someone else to use. FIL gets angry at this as asks why BIL is good enough to pick the car up then? DH says he thought FIL would be driving our car and BIL would drive FIL's car back. Had he have known this wasn't the case, we could have asked someone else to collect the car.

Anyway, it's all blown into a huge argument. FIL phoned DH and did nothing but shout and scream. How can he not trust his brother? He's trying to get his life together! DH reiterated that he didn't want to upset BIL but he doesn't want him having access to our car. It ended with FIL telling DH to go fuck himself and to get someone to come and collect our car off his drive way that night. Whilst all this is going on, BIL sends a message to DH saying our car drives like a dream to further antagonise the situation.

I phone my parents and ask them (1.5 hour round trip) if they would mind collecting the car from FIL and driving it to MIL's house as she has space in her garage for it. My parents kindly agreed to do so. DH messages FIL to say that my parents will collect the car from him when he's ready. A few minutes later, FIL messages DH and says that the car isn't ours, it's his. He's keeping it and then he transferred our money back to us. So now we have no car.

We suspect FIL will end up giving BIL the car. We now also suspect that BIL was probably always going to use our car instead of his own (on its way out) secretly before we return to the UK.

AIBU to think FIL and BIL have both acted like twats? DH is really upset that his father has treated him this way and I'm furious at the way FIL has spoken to DH. I'm sure in time, DH will forgive them both which is fine but AIBU to want nothing more to do with them?

Thank you if you've made it this far 🙏

OP posts:
Peppermintytea · 16/05/2024 10:11

It is NOT the job of the successful, hardworking sibling to mop up after the crap, fuckup sibling, no matter how much their parents want to force this.

OP you did the right thing and so did your DH. Your BIL can fuck up on his own time and in his own vehicle. He's not entitled to drive your car and your FIL is not entitled to allow anyone to drive your car. That's not how favours work. FIL did this for you willingly. If he planned to attach conditions then he was completely wrong not to communicate that to you from the start. Hope he enjoys his new car...!

NamingConundrum · 16/05/2024 10:06

Doesn't make sense, your FIL must have intended to take the car from the beginning? Because he can't just decide to transfer it to himself after he bought it/taxed and insured to drive home? He must have bought in his name to begin with and therefore already been his car?

Knittedfairies2 · 16/05/2024 10:00

I understood that OP only needed a car for one of the two months she would be home; a missing s makes a difference.

Dh and I live abroad and will be visiting the UK for a couple of months next month. We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month with the intention of reselling when we leave

InWalksBarberalla · 16/05/2024 09:59

I feel like I'm missing something here - what is the problem with having a tinder date in the car?

askmenow · 16/05/2024 09:55

YeezyBreezy · 15/05/2024 21:48

They haven’t bought a car for a “month”. Jesus, reading comprehension has gone out of the window with these comments!

OP said they’re coming over for a COUPLE of months, in a month’s time.

Do you know I thought exactly this!
The texting culture has done us a great disservice in that people now skim read without taking on board the precise facts.

Imagine sitting in an exam hall, what did the tutor always say...."Read twice, write once".

seethingmess · 16/05/2024 09:55

You come across as someone who makes others do a lot of work for them, particularly your parents and your FIL. But you weren't prepared to do a favour back.

It would be better to stop expecting others to put themselves out so you can save on car hire.

Tessasanderson · 16/05/2024 09:50

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. They were taking you for mugs. You fund a car and FIL/BIL get free use. You get a load of abuse for standing your ground etc.

At least you have your money back. Just hire a car while you are there etc and let them get on with things. Sounds like they like to do favours on their own terms which is always dangerous.

As for future relations, well it sounds like thats up to them to come crawling. Just chill out.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/05/2024 09:47

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/05/2024 08:26

I agree

Show quote history

I agree with this, tbh.

Goldengirl123 · 16/05/2024 09:46

Why couldn’t he use the car for a few hours???? You sound very unreasonable!!!!!

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 16/05/2024 09:45

Was the car going to be taxed and insured? Who by?

Rewis · 16/05/2024 09:42

Would he think twice about having a Tinder date in the car?

He would pick up his dates to the date location. Or he would be having sex with them in the car instead of taking them back to his?

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 16/05/2024 09:39

LostMyCar · 15/05/2024 22:14

I don't know the exact details but from what I can gather, BIL's car is on its way out and would need to be in the garage for repairs. He'd be without his car for more than a few hours. In this time, he assumed he would be using our car.

Neither DH or I trust BIL with the car. Would he think twice about having a few drinks and driving home down the road? No. Would he think twice about having a Tinder date in the car? No. In fact, he'd probably boast about it. Yes, he really is that immature 🤢 So no we don't want him using the car.

FIl was doing us a favour because he offered and like I said, he would be upset if he wasn't the one to help us. We never expected or wanted BIL involved. He wasn't until he went with FIL to collect the car.

Anyway, what's done is done. We'll find a car when we're back.

How did you think your FIL was going to collect the car? Surely your DH would have realised someone had to go with him to collect it and 2 cars would need to be driven home.
Your husband was incredibly naive to think FIL would be able to do this as a solo project. He was also incredibly naive to think considering their relationship that FIL wouldn't include BIL in the task.

If you DH wanted BIL to have absolutely no part in the deal then that should have been expressed clearly to his father at the beginning. DH asked his dad for a very big favour. His dad needed help. His dad requested the help of BIL.

Your DH overreacted. Maybe residual sibling rivalry at play. I hope you enjoy your time home and things aren't too awkward. Are you planning on staying with FIL?

(Tinder date made me lol 😂😂)

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 16/05/2024 09:38

Keepthosenamesgoing · 15/05/2024 22:20

Indeed! If he has form as an irresponsible driver then that changes the picture somewhat !

Show quote history

But is it that BIL say has a couple of drinks before driving or is he a proper drunk driver? Tinder dates, not sure I could get that worked up about, hopefully he wouldn’t shag them on the back seat!

Most sane adults these days know not to drink and drive when over the limit.

LadyEloise1 · 16/05/2024 09:35

PincesssPeachh · 15/05/2024 21:35

So BIL and FIL did you a favour by collecting the car and storing it on FIL’s driveway, but you couldn’t do BIL a favour and let him borrow it whilst his was getting an MOT?!

This💯

DriftingDora · 16/05/2024 09:35

If you feel angry about it, simply don't visit them when you come to the UK. Your husband can do what he likes, but you can refuse to go. From the sound of it (FIL telling your husband to fuck off, screaming, shouting), I doubt they'll care.

OK, you'd asked FIL to get you a car (I know you paid) - that's a big thing to ask and I would have thought it would be cheaper and more practical for you to hire a car during your stay in UK? You say not in your subsequent post, but did you shop around? Also, you admit you know exactly what BIL is like. He's there, in the background, being enabled by your FIL. Did you/your husband really not consider that this kind of thing might happen? It sounds as though your FIL is twisted round his little finger, so it was not unforeseeable that BIL would get involved was it?

I think if I were you, I'd be quite glad to be able to visit the UK without having to get involved in this shitshow of a family relationship. To be honest I think none of you come out of this very well and if you didn't consider that BIL would get involved, then that's down to you both.

LadyEloise1 · 16/05/2024 09:34

fashionqueen0123 · 15/05/2024 21:29

I would have let him use it for a few hours while his MOT was done. Thats would have been fair.
But what happened after is ridiculous.

I agree.

Mirabai · 16/05/2024 09:32

diddl · 16/05/2024 09:28

I mean it says “a couple of months” in the OP. Why are so many posters making the same mistake?

So £1800 minimum for 2 months.

Probably because in the same post "We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month"

Having specified a couple, she means months plural.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/05/2024 09:28

Then BIL sends a message to the group chat saying he's going to need to borrow our car whilst his car is getting an MOT.

How will he be insured on your car?

diddl · 16/05/2024 09:28

I mean it says “a couple of months” in the OP. Why are so many posters making the same mistake?

So £1800 minimum for 2 months.

Probably because in the same post "We've been looking for a cheap car to use for the month"

diddl · 16/05/2024 09:25

Tbh it sounds as if you were pretty stupid to think that FIL wouldn't involve BIL-especially if he might have bought the car from you when you left!

Sounds as if you have all acted like twats!

You don't have to involve FIL because he insists or would be upset if you didn't.

I guess it suited well enough before!

DisabledDemon · 16/05/2024 09:12

Mumdiva99 · 15/05/2024 21:36

I get why you don't want bil using the car. It's your car and bil didn't ask. It's jist a repeated pattern. The reason it is so inflammatory for your husband is because he has faced this all his life. Bil being entitled and dad enabling it.

Stand by your husband.

(The worst bit is your husband will forgive. Doesn't mean you need to forget.)

Oh God, this sounds like my DH and his brother. DH has always been the sensible one, the one who got a degree, the one who became an expert in his field. BIL likes being a big fish in a small pond and has always been light-fingered where DH's possessions are concerned. FIL would always tell the DH to 'let X have the what-ever-he-fancied'.

The result is now a complete and utter rift between the brothers after BIL threw a massive strop over the FIL's will (he didn't get everything his way).

There's no forgiveness here.

sweetpickle2 · 16/05/2024 09:05

What's wrong with having a Tinder date in a car??

Even if you mean he'd be sleeping with his date in there.... it's a secondhand car. Multiple people may have shagged in it.

user7856378298366 · 16/05/2024 09:01

You’ve created a massive row about a cheap car that you intend selling on, not a dream Porsche that you’ve bought as a lifetime car.
They were doing you a favour, finding, buying, collecting and storing. You’re coming across as ungrateful and awkward…

Mirabai · 16/05/2024 08:58

AlltheFs · 16/05/2024 08:15

I think you all sound absolutely crackers.

We hired a car for 1 month from Enterprise for £900. I can’t see the point in buying one unless you know you can spin it for profit. My DH used to be in the trade and is good at buying stuff on auction but it’s not something to do on a trip.

I’d say you all need to stop being so dramatic.

I mean it says “a couple of months” in the OP. Why are so many posters making the same mistake?

So £1800 minimum for 2 months.

butterpuffed · 16/05/2024 08:49

This would make a good sitcom .

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