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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a date?

43 replies

maz2003 · 15/05/2024 20:31

I joined a gym about 9 months ago. I immediately became friends with someone who worked there on the basis we had mutual friends. The friendship developed quickly and has been slightly flirty on his part. I do fancy him but have remained less obvious (I think) in the flirting dept. There are always people about, and it’s his place of work. We have had episodes of intense messaging and getting to know each other but nothing else has happened.
I bumped into him last week and we had a conversation in private.
Later that day he sent a message asking if I had time to meet him for coffee at “some point soon”.
I replied agreeing. I really like him. AIBU that this is a date or have I totally misread this. (It’s been 20 plus years since I went on a date.)

OP posts:
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BCBird · 01/09/2024 15:46

I.would have presumed it was a date myself OP. Wat an.asshole

mamajong · 01/09/2024 15:38

Does it need a label at this stage? Have coffee, some one on one time away from prying eyes will make it clear if you both want to take it further or not

Original poster
maz2003 · 27/05/2024 11:50

NewMe2024 · 27/05/2024 11:03

FFS. So it was a stealth date, but because of his wife and not his job.

Well done for trusting your instincts OP. Now move on without letting it take up any more headspace.

Show quote history

Actually I think the stealth aspect was more in relation to the GF as she is another gym member. 😳

OP posts:
NewMe2024 · 27/05/2024 11:03

maz2003 · 24/05/2024 11:51

Not cynical. I found out he has a wife and a girlfriend… the girlfriend is the wife of one of his mates. So I guess I have been breadcrumbed and played. What an idiot.

Edited

FFS. So it was a stealth date, but because of his wife and not his job.

Well done for trusting your instincts OP. Now move on without letting it take up any more headspace.

LittleMonks11 · 24/05/2024 17:18

Poor women. What a lucky escape OP.

Original poster
maz2003 · 24/05/2024 14:39

ShrubRose · 24/05/2024 14:18

@maz2003 I guess it was better to uncover this now than after he had me in bed.

Much better.

Try not to beat yourself up, OP. It happens all the time - these guys are past masters at it.

While I feel a bit of a tit, in my gut the alarm bells were ringing. I feel sorry for men that operate like this as it comes from a position of their own deep insecurity. The poor wife too. She was pawing him most publicly…really she might as well have being peeing on him to mark her territory. I can’t imagine how you live like that.

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 24/05/2024 14:18

@maz2003 I guess it was better to uncover this now than after he had me in bed.

Much better.

Try not to beat yourself up, OP. It happens all the time - these guys are past masters at it.

Original poster
maz2003 · 24/05/2024 14:07

MILTOBE · 24/05/2024 14:00

Well, they work in places where there are a lot of women. Also - not saying the OP fits into this category, but where there are a lot of women who feel vulnerable about their bodies, too, so when someone takes a lot of interest in them, they believe they're dealing with a regular guy and not a player.

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I def did fall into the category of falling for it hook line and nearly sinker. When I started I had massive body hang ups - he used his own reinvention story as a means by which to make himself relatable. It’s actually quite predatory. I am obviously responsible for being so trusting and was utterly naive returning to the dating scene 20 plus years since I last dabbled in it. I guess it was better to uncover this now than after he had me in bed.

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 24/05/2024 14:04

maz2003 · 24/05/2024 13:52

Yes true. Largely due to the insight here. I did have alarm bells ringing over the language of the messages. They were all a bit too carefully constructed. This is wife #3 apparently so suspect this has been going on for decades.

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What a loser! 😧
Good job you tuned in to your instincts and posted on MN. Well done.

MILTOBE · 24/05/2024 14:00

Tigertigertigertiger · 24/05/2024 13:56

Wow! How do these men get away with it ?

Well, they work in places where there are a lot of women. Also - not saying the OP fits into this category, but where there are a lot of women who feel vulnerable about their bodies, too, so when someone takes a lot of interest in them, they believe they're dealing with a regular guy and not a player.

Tigertigertigertiger · 24/05/2024 13:56

Wow! How do these men get away with it ?

Original poster
maz2003 · 24/05/2024 13:52

YankeeDad · 24/05/2024 13:45

You mean, you have almost been played, but you sussed it out in time and avoided being played.

Show quote history

Yes true. Largely due to the insight here. I did have alarm bells ringing over the language of the messages. They were all a bit too carefully constructed. This is wife #3 apparently so suspect this has been going on for decades.

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 24/05/2024 13:45

maz2003 · 24/05/2024 11:51

Not cynical. I found out he has a wife and a girlfriend… the girlfriend is the wife of one of his mates. So I guess I have been breadcrumbed and played. What an idiot.

Edited

You mean, you have almost been played, but you sussed it out in time and avoided being played.

Original poster
maz2003 · 24/05/2024 11:51

Not cynical. I found out he has a wife and a girlfriend… the girlfriend is the wife of one of his mates. So I guess I have been breadcrumbed and played. What an idiot.

OP posts:
LetTheHarpiesRule · 19/05/2024 18:48

Oh also from online dating experience

Guys bring up the option of a coffee meet early on to keep you interested/dangle the possibility of a date or a romantic connection.

Then as you're now hanging on for them and they know you're interested, they try to start with the sex chat and the dick pics. The meet never happens.

(Sorry to be cynical!).

LetTheHarpiesRule · 19/05/2024 18:37

(Or even if there isn't a partner, if they don't see you as serious date or girlfriend material, they hope you are going to just be available for sex...if they don't set up a date they want you to just get desperate and invite them over).

LetTheHarpiesRule · 19/05/2024 18:35

Lurkingandlearning · 19/05/2024 17:51

There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too.

That makes me think he is involved with someone else and wanting to meet so he can gauge whether he could have you as a side chick

I agree with this.

Some partnered up men drop hints, set an ambiguous situation up, then step back.

If the woman then engages or chases, they can claim to their partner there's a crazy woman after them who started doing all the instigating, and they didn't do anything.

I'd be busy and focus on meeting other people and building new networks .

If he messages again, don't reply or take ages...drop him.

Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 18:31

Lurkingandlearning · 19/05/2024 17:51

There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too.

That makes me think he is involved with someone else and wanting to meet so he can gauge whether he could have you as a side chick

There is definitely something off. Also the texts have continued. Breadcrumbs, I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 18:30

MirrorMirror1247 · 19/05/2024 17:43

Why not message him, something along the lines of " so when are we getting this coffee we talked about?". That's what I'd do, anyway.

I think it’s a dead duck now. It’s def not a date. I don’t think I will pursue.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 19/05/2024 17:51

There is plausible deniability in all the written messages too.

That makes me think he is involved with someone else and wanting to meet so he can gauge whether he could have you as a side chick

ShrubRose · 19/05/2024 17:47

@maz2003 I said yes and was flexible most day apart from Tues…

Then it fell to him to say, "OK, how about ... "
You didn't need to be pinpoint specific - it wasn't a doctor's appointment!

MirrorMirror1247 · 19/05/2024 17:43

Why not message him, something along the lines of " so when are we getting this coffee we talked about?". That's what I'd do, anyway.

Original poster
maz2003 · 19/05/2024 17:40

I said yes and was flexible most day apart from Tues… and that’s where it’s hanging. But agree for future encounters I need to be specific. Totally out of the game. I used to be good at this.

OP posts:
ShrubRose · 19/05/2024 17:38

@maz2003
Why do this - say let’s have coffee and then leave it hanging?

Thanks for updating us, OP.
The answer to the above is we don't know. There was always a bit of noise in the system - the slow burn, the asking if you were available for coffee after you met and not when you were chatting together.

We don't know what people have in their lives or in their feelings, and people don't always know their own feelings.
I think I would just act naturally, see what, if anything, might happen, and basically rewind the clock to enjoy the gym and the friendship.
x

GalileoHumpkins · 19/05/2024 16:48

When he asked if you were free at some point soon why didn't you say, yes, are free next whichever day worked for you? Lobbing the ball back into each others court is getting you nowhere.