Is too much expected of women now?? How do you cope with working full time and managing all the childcare??

@menopausalmare so what are we supposed to do? I can't change the (complicated and completely unforeseeable) situation with my ex. I can't work/earn more at the moment. UC top up is my only option.

I left my lazy man child to raise 2 DC alone. He refuses to have them during the week at all, and I had to take him to court to secure EOW and 50% school holidays. Even then he messes about.

Far too little is expected of men. My EXDP is supposed to pick DC up from school twice a month, on the weekends he has them. He usually cries off at least 1, because he finds it too stressful.

He refused to do a mid-week after school, I didn't even ask for overnight, as he finds it too stressful.

The only way I can get him not to bring DC back early from contact is to not be home myself. He has attempted to drop them off at my parents, but I'd pre-warned them not to open the door.

He thinks the DC are my responsibility because I am the mum, and he works full-time, yet I also work full-time in a very senior level job and earn 3 times his salary.

I solved my issues by getting a Nanny, although it's a very expensive option. I honestly don't know how any woman can work full-time and look after DC with no help, it's madness

How much housework did he do before you decided to have kids? The ‘doing everything’ doesn’t come out of nowhere…

This is important because you state that women are ‘expected’ to do too much but in my experience unless you start off as a partnership, with a fair sharing of domestics, things only get worse.

So it’s not so much about what some vague jury ‘expects’ of women - more about what some women unfortunately and naively saddle themselves with. They initially love playing house and winning the prize for being the best Hinch/Stepford wife to their big earning man, then they go and royally fuck themselves over by procreating with the lazy entitled peacock prick who thinks childcare and domestic labour is beneath him.

Teach and model to your daughters and sons that domestic work is not just a female role.

Yeah, there’s a lot of competitive Womaning.

If anyone is genuinely handling it that well they’re blessed with a Type A personality. Most of us aren’t that.

I wouldn’t stand for him dropping the kids at 7 am — no wonder they refuse school , all that chopping and changing in the morning would do my head in too!

PPs are right. Not enough is expected of men and no one tells them they can’t have it all - they just take what they want.

I have a dh who pulls it weight vs the average dad/dh and I still find it tough - he doesn’t notice that even if I “enjoy it”, it is still time and effort to turn up to the patents evenings, read and print the forms for school, make sure we are prepared for Bake sales, handle the orthodontic appointments, buy all the clothes, do all the cooking and shopping, sort the parties and play dates, select and manage the extra curriculars. I’m still in the kitchen getting things ready for tomorrow while d is watching Tv. And he is one of the more “enlightened” dads…

It’s honestly not possible and you have my sympathies OP.. I work full time with two small children and the only way it can work is because DH is an entirely equal partner and we both work from home around 80% of the time. He takes on the mental load as well as drop offs, cleaning, life admin etc. If I had to do it all by myself as well as work full time I would have a break down - I don’t find it especially easy now but we manage well because we share it. The downside is that we’re both knackered but there’s no resentment or inequity.

It's so wrong that universal credit is being used to top up the wages of women who go part time because their ex partner isn't stepping up and they can't manage.

You need to be gone from the house before 7am so he can't take the piss out of you and do his share of school drop offs.
If you aren't there he has to do it or find AND fund childcare to do it.

I hear you.

I convinced myself I could do it all, and genuinely survived off 4 hours sleep a night for years before having the mother of all breakdowns last summer.

Looking back, ‘surviving’ was the word. I forgot how to have fun, lost sight of my dreams, and became the most boring person in the universe.

Hugs and condolences coming your way! 💐

Or if you fear what he’ll sort for your kids, can you speak to local childminders and see if any will accept a 7am drop off? (Some will). He takes dc straight to that, not your house. He’s already done the hard bit of up, dressed and out on time. Getting a school refuser out twice is clearly not working.

Yes

We're not having it all, we're doing it all

So he gets dcs up and dressed (breakfasted?) out of the house, then drops at yours, they settle back home and then you have to try to get a known school refuser out the door again? Nope.

I think saying you have to go in earlier on his overnights so he can do the drop straight from his to childcare, if he needs to arrange different childcare for his morning, to accommodate his earlier drop off time, then he can sort that. You are no longer available from 7am-8am. Give him notice and then be out.

Real Dads will step up and do their bit - I do my fair share with my DC.
The bar is set too low for a lot of men, though - but this is perpetuated by people having children with lazy men and thus the cycle continues

He should absolutely be dropping her off at school when he has had her overnight. What’s his reasons for not doing that?

I have said the same thing today on another thread about how hard it is to work full-time (and establish a career) and do all the childcare (and even more so to then have health issues) and was told that because another single parent could work full-time and look after their children and found it easy (even though they work flexibly and from home) that all single parents could do it and it was just a 'me' issue.

Yup, this.

I'd ask work to move to a later start if you can. I would also push back and not do any favours for him. He takes DC to school on X days, no argument.

Are you or dd getting any support from school regarding the refusal? speak with senco. It makes things so much trickier when they don't/can't make it into school happily. I would look into working part time as its all alot to juggle the other parent should be pulling his weight! Look after yourself aswell.

This.

Tell him unfortunately your work have changed times so you need to start earlier, so he'll need to do half of school drop off, or pay for childcare/get his parents to do it.

Can you see if there is any flex in your job so you can go in early on the days the DC have stayed with their dad the night before? Force his hand as you won’t be there and let you potentially have a later start on the days they are with you the night before.

I appreciate that may not help you immediately and I don’t know your personal situation in detail. I realise it’s hard. But please don’t let this spin into another “women can’t have it all” thread. You owe it to yourself not to buy into that patriarchal garbage.

very good point. I was a teenager in the 80s, and was brought up to think that women can have it all. It took another 15 years for women to realise that ‘having it all’ just means ‘doing it all’.

What @Thursdaygirl said
Why are you allowing him to do that?

If he has had the kids overnight, he should be responsible for getting them to school, not dropping them off with you!