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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I in the wrong, was I rude?

66 replies

yewpa · 15/05/2024 14:45

Me and ex took dc to playground in pub. Dc is 2. It was late afternoon and neither of us were drinking. We had mentioned on the way that we might both get a coke or lemonade as it was hot.

We got to the bar and the lady asked what we wanted but sort of looked more towards me and so I said a coke please. She immediately turned round to get it and then put it on the bar and turned to look at ex for his order. He had a miserable look on his face and ordered a coke. The lady went to get it and then put the bill through.

I was astonished by how rude ex came across and when out of earshot of the staff I asked why he thought it was ok to barely say thank you to the bar staff. He said I was the one who was rude and that I knew he wanted a soft drink too and why didn’t I turn to him to ask what he wanted before I ordered my own drink.

I didn’t really know what to say so just said that the staff member had looked at me and so I told her what I wanted and reminded him at the same time that I was also checking dd was ok and not running off etc. He said it was very rude and it’s normal to ask the person you are with what they want first, even where the bar staff have made eye contact with one of you (yes I am exhausted typing this as it seems so petty!).

I said regardless, it wasn’t the staff member’s fault and there was no need to be rude to them if he had a problem with me.

(As to why I am at the pub with ex, we take dd out once a week together which we both consider to be nice for her. I know I don’t have to spend time with him and I am questioning it after this behaviour too as it’s not a one off).

AIBU? Was I rude?! I did think perhaps if I was with a friend then I would have asked what they wanted first. It makes my head spin to be honest.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 15/05/2024 16:25

I’m not surprised this miserable grump is an ex.

takemeawayagain · 15/05/2024 16:24

He's making you completely overthink your behaviour. Good that he's an ex as he sounds awfully hard work.

TheChosenTwo · 15/05/2024 15:52

He’s a prick and I’d suggest stopping these
joint meetings for dds sake as it sounds like it’s crap for her to overhear etc.
If dh and I are at the bar together we will each order our own because we both want to see what’s there. Obviously if we are there sitting down already with a drink then one of us will say do you want another x and go up and order both drinks but if you’re both stood together it’s reasonable to say what you each want. It really doesn’t necessitate a prior conversation.
He’s being a dick, you know this, it’s why he’s your ex!

Tryingtogetbyinlife · 15/05/2024 15:49

Me and my ex are civil with eachother so we still take our DS out together,however we are both single, might be different if we both wasn't ...Your ex sounds like he was in a bad mood, or is this what has been happening every time you both go out together with your DC ?If that is the case it might be better to go out separately with your DC to avoid him guilt tripping you.

Devilsmommy · 15/05/2024 15:46

You were not rude, he was a twat and I can totally see why he's an ex😁

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2024 15:45

He sounds really ridiculous. Even if he thought that was the usual form, it would be a complete non event. He was spoiling for a pointless fight with you. Don’t go places with him any more.

Allofaflutter · 15/05/2024 15:45

He’s a twat. She looked at you to order. You didn’t stop her asking him.

murasaki · 15/05/2024 15:45

So 9 months a year I am 'pinot grigio and an esb please', in fact they mostly start pouring when they see us as it is a league of gentlemen pub, but in the summer I'll query as to whether it's a cider.

We have hit the right temperature twice this year so far....

Mannyshy · 15/05/2024 15:44

Ultimately, regardless of whether you asked or not, is he aged 5 getting annoyed at something like this? No wonder he's an ex.

murasaki · 15/05/2024 15:41

I always drink the same thing, so if I'm paying, I'll order mine and check with dp then as his tends to be weather dependent. Never realised it was rude as I always say thank you to the bar staff and he's never queried me asking but is grateful I check if it's warm enough for choice number two.

Over reaction from him.

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2024 15:41

He's mental. If I thought I was being asked what I wanted then I'd say what I want - I might then look at the person with me to prompt them to order but I'd never order on their behalf unless we'd discussed me doing so and I was 100% clear on what they wanted.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:36

Oh I see, yes playing unhappy families in this case then

I just meant as her ex seems a bit of an idiot, why go anywhere with him? Appreciate some exes are OK

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 15:32

it was the fact you said “happy” families

i don’t see any evidence of happiness being on display!

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 15:31

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:27

@greenbeansrock
They're going on unnecessary outings together

He's an ex for a reason op

my ex and I take our children out together very regularly

in fact we’re going out for lunch with youngest and then on to watch eldest play rugby this coming weekend!

Hes my best friend (just utterly unsuited to living with anyone!!)

5128gap · 15/05/2024 15:30

Typical out with the ex behaviour. There are unresolved issues between you and he's being PA. Technically yes, it is often the done thing for the one person to order for both, but its by no means a golden rule of etiquette and no way should it have been made an issue of in a situation where both of you were supposedly putting your feelings to one side for DD. Does he want to get back together and you don't, out of interest?

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:27

@greenbeansrock
They're going on unnecessary outings together

He's an ex for a reason op

Floatinginatincan · 15/05/2024 15:25

It reads like you were looking for something to pick a fight over and a complete non-event.

greenbeansrock · 15/05/2024 15:22

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:21

Why are you playing happy families with your ex?

well they’re not really playing “happy families” are they?!

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2024 15:21

Why are you playing happy families with your ex?

Whataretalkingabout · 15/05/2024 15:18

To answer your question OP, yes, you were wrong and rude to criticize your ex on how he said thank you . So he was rude back. What did you expect?
Why would you want to get in an argument with your ex? Why bother spend time with him if he bothers you so much ?

yewpa · 15/05/2024 15:18

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 15/05/2024 15:09

It’s pretty normal to say “I’ll have a coke” and then look to the next person who will chime in and say “a coke for me too please”.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of that interaction.

@YellowDaffodilRedTulip yes that’s what I assumed was happening but the staff member just went to get my coke straight away

OP posts:
yewpa · 15/05/2024 15:17

takealettermsjones · 15/05/2024 14:57

I don't mean that you are odd in general 😂 just that it's a bit odd to go to the bar and not order for everyone in your party. But I get that it's an awkward situation with an ex!

@takealettermsjones we were both at the bar

OP posts:
Revelatio · 15/05/2024 15:12

Usually I would say, ‘I’ll have a coke, what are you having’ (directed to the person I am with).

Why would your child benefit from playing in the playground whilst her parents sip miserably on a coke? Sounds dreadful for all involved!

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 15/05/2024 15:09

It’s pretty normal to say “I’ll have a coke” and then look to the next person who will chime in and say “a coke for me too please”.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of that interaction.

drusth · 15/05/2024 15:07

He's a moody twat. Did you facilitate everything for him when you were together? Do you still do so now?

He's acting like you're his mother!

Is it a money thing, did he purposely stay back so you would pay?

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