His comment when the bill came ....

No one is 'pressuring' the OP don't be daft. She asked the question, ppl are responding with their views accordingly, she's got no intention of seeing him again and no one's telling her that she should.

Oh come off it: she’s accepted it already. What do you expect her to do: sit through another date so she can object if and when he says it again. It’s over and done with.

"I think the OP is pissed off because he didn't want to pay, irrespective of her protestations to the contrary."

I think you're right, and I think she was 'mortified' because she saw it as a rejection of her, despite that fact that she had already mentally rejected him.

Or “I suppose you won’t be able to pay for this.” 🤣

Or 'I suppose you want me to pay for this?' 😆

See, you completely understand the concept of an aggressive, presumptuous, accusatory, insulting question that attempts to force the other person to defend themselves, because you just opened with one! Your cover, such as it was, is blown!

I am always irritated when people pretend not to understand very clear stuff because it's dishonest and disingenuous.

And in this particular case, I dislike it especially because a load of people are doing it to try to pressure a woman into accepting rude and horrible behaviour from a man and see herself as the problem. We have enough of that in this world and I dislike people adding to it while pretending not to know what they're doing.

You understand full well. Everyone does.The only thing we don't understand is why you're so keen that women should accept such rudeness and pretend it didn't happen. But as you'll never answer that question honestly either, it's pointless asking.

Or even “ I suppose you DON’T want to pay for this.” 😂

Yes @Calliopespa, she evidently found him to be pain in the arse. I'd understand the mortification if he had nonchalantly turned around after the meal and said 'I suppose you want to pay for this' but he didn't. 😕

I couldn’t help but wonder if that was it …

Or she just generally found him a pita. Which in itself is fair enough.

But the more Op thought this, the more likely he is to have picked up on it; and the more he picked up on the fact the dynamic wasn’t really indicative of him coming across well in her eyes , the more he might well have felt there was a good chance she’d get annoyed around what he said around paying. Turns out, he was right.

Why are you so triggered by this?

The man in question, nonchalantly, said 'do you want me to pay for this or what?' The 'or what' clearly implying he preferred the alternative, which, under these circumstances, was to go 50/50. It's a case of semantics. Would it be more palatable for you if he had offered to go 50/50? Or perhaps 'shall I pay for this?' Plenty of people become awkward around public bill paying, irrespective of how wealthy they are. He clearly didn't want to pay for her meal so the 'or what' was to precipitate the offer from her to split the bill.

I think the OP is pissed off because he didn't want to pay, irrespective of her protestations to the contrary.

You can’t just declare people are “pretending.” We get to say how we see it. People will have different opinions - and it seems we do.

I think maybe the answer to the slightly different question “ why are people saying there is nothing so bad about him saying that?” is that it came as rather an anti-climax. It’s not as though op is a vulnerable individual in a genuinely upsetting circumstance and desperate for a hand-hold to get her through; it was mild annoyance or embarrassment that she thought would entertain people in a “ can you believe it?” kind of way . And for some of us it didn’t warrant the build-up🤷🏻‍♀️

I might add “ or what “ to questions such as: “ well should we head to the museum now, or.. what?” if I was wondering myself. Or “ So shall we grab pizza for lunch, or what?” It would be me signalling I was open to alternatives.

These are not comparable questions, as everyone knows. "Shall we get pizza" isn't the same as "do you want me to pay".

Why are so many people pretending not to understand how rude and really quite manipulative the question was?

… and yet it was delivered “nonchalantly.”
Not even aggressively or angrily, just nonchalantly.

I might add “ or what “ to questions such as: “ well should we head to the museum now, or.. what?” if I was wondering myself. Or “ So shall we grab pizza for lunch, or what?” It would be me signalling I was open to alternatives.

you reckon?

sassyclassyandsmartassy cottoned on as well

you're rather naive @SeriaMau

Hate to tell you this, this means you were a business expense! If he wanted you to pay cash and he was putting it on his card like that it's likely he is putting the whole bill through expenses and asking you to pay him in cash as double-bubble on your part of the bill. Now you know how he is a multi-millionaire!!

So if you were on a date, the bill came and the guy said "Do you want me to get this or what?", you wouldn't clock that as rude and manipulative? That would be a lovely way to finish dinner for you?

Yeah right.

Haven't read the whole thread. Has anyone suggested that the date might be autistic yet?
🤭

Because I think the OP is being disingenuous. She said she had anxiety prior to the date regarding the bill and wanting to pay her share. She then realised, while on the date, that her date was in fact a twat

'this boastful, popular , millionaire( his words ? with his jaguar and photos of his palatial spread ....'

The OP then proceeded to say that he 'nonchalantly' asked whether he would pay the bill 'or what'.

We have already established that she thinks he is a twat but I don't understand the pearl clutching indignance at him saying this. I agree with @Calliopespa that this is him giving her the opportunity to pay 50/50 which is exactly what the OP wished for. The 'or what' seems to have tipped people over the edge for some reason.

Even "do you want me to pay for this" is rude. Say you'd like to treat them if indeed you do, or say you'd like to split if you don't. But putting the whole thing on the other person in an accusatory and presumptive manner, with clear implications of disapproval, is boorish and rude... and the "or what" is the icing on the shit sundae he doesn't want to pay for.

It's plainly rude, designed to insult and unsettle the other person and make whatever happens next both uncomfortable and yet, somehow, their fault. They now have to defend themselves against your accusation of their supposed assumption. It's horrible. And nobody reading this thread doesn't realise that.

Well I'm married so I don't go dating but I'm definitely mature. If you don't have any problem navigating these situations that's great but I'd suggest most people do (in the UK anyway), it's nothing to do with levels of maturity and everything to do with the minefield of social etiquette.

Meh why be mortified? You'd already weighed up he was a divvy. He proved it by handling the bill in a boorish tone (shall we split this? Would have been fine). You didn't want to see him again and don't have to. I'm not sure why you found any personal offence in this.

I think it’s the “ or what” on the end that people are finding abrasive. But I can easily imagine adding that if trying to leave open the idea that there were alternatives .

You don't see why "do you want me to pay for this or what?" is a rude way of dealing with the bill?

I don't believe you. Or any of the other posters who for some reason want women to find this kind of behaviour acceptable. None of you are stupid. You all understand full well and you're not grappling with anything.

I'm still grappling with what on earth the issue actually is.

I anticipate that there is rather a lot of subtext to all of this which the OP may care to return and enlighten us with at some stage.

I’ve found at least six ways I can say it, ranging from outraged accusation to timid enquiry… But all of them suggest an awkward date with no chemistry which I think was the real issue.

I think the comment was probably more a last straw for OP than mortifying in and of itself .