His comment when the bill came ....

Does no one else think the fact that OP asked for the bill is relevant?

She'd asked for it and didn't do anyhting with it. How else was he supposed to find out what she intended?

If he thought you were for him, he would never have asked the question just dealt with the bill. But he didn't and was being rude because he just didn't care.

Twat.. lucky escape for you there.

He was throwing it over to you because of equality, knowing some women don't like to feel indebted. Probably some previous women didn't like it when he paid for everything

He sounds like a prick but you'd already worked that out. He was rude but your post is incredibly dramatic.

Well if hes allowed to assume all women are the same then women are allowed to assume all men are the same right? And that they would all cheat at the drop of a hat

He does sound like a test😉 but to be fair when we’re looking eg at first dates I do kind of feel for men at this part because the woman is secretly waiting for him to offer so they can turn him down and say they’ll split it/ allow him to pay. There’s fury generally when he acts shocked by the amount or he asks to split. I wouldn’t love it if I were a man!!!

I don't get it. If you didn't discuss splitting the bill beforehand why is him nonchalantly asking if he's covering it mortifying?

Ok he sounds a bit of a pompous knob, but surely just a laugh and "oh that's kind but no thanks, let's split it" is all that's needed? Or am I missing something?

"God, I’ve never in my life been on a date where the man didn’t pay. If a man suggested splitting the bill I’d assume he didn’t want to see me again because he wouldn’t be…"

Grabby bastard 🤣 but unashamedly

God, I’ve never in my life been on a date where the man didn’t pay. If a man suggested splitting the bill I’d assume he didn’t want to see me again because he wouldn’t be…

Have you been on a date since 1956?

Have you time travelled to 2024?

I mean, yes, clearly 'Do you want me to pay for this or what?' is an arrogant and obnoxious way of offering to pay the bill. But you said he'd been arrogant and obnoxious throughout the entire date, so why was it a surprise?

I'm not sure why that one example has struck you as so outlandish. He was a twat. He offered to pay in a manner that was as twattish as you would expect. That's it. You just had a bad date. Happens all the time.

Are you sure it wasn’t because you took a long while to get your purse out when the bill came?

That would make sense if so.

He sounds charming. I went on a first date and ended up arguing with him over splitting the bill as he insisted he was paying. As he paid he turned to me and said “don’t expect me to pay for you again.”

Exactly. The question he asked put OP and the waiter FWIW into a weird place. There are many questions men like this pose (I assume women might too, I've never seen it). Basically you are put into a place where you're a cheeky moo or a mug. See also:

You don't mind if I go to Amsterdam with all my single friends for a week, right?
You're cool with strippers, correct?
And so on.

They look like someone checking in and asking to be nice, but they're actually PA little tests of your Cool Wife potential.

OP wanted to split. But the way he posed the question meant that he wanted to LOOK like he offered to pay while making it really obvious he wasn't going to. The correct way to do this is everyone fights to pay the bill and settles on either splitting (if you'll never see them again) or paying next time (if you actually like them).

God, I’ve never in my life been on a date where the man didn’t pay. If a man suggested splitting the bill I’d assume he didn’t want to see me again because he wouldn’t be…

But we’re all different. OP’s date sounds like a right prick. In that situation I too would have split the bill and left it at that.

If you'd asked for the bill and then did nothing with it "do you want me to get that or what?" doesn't seem like an unreasonable question. He was probably quite genuine in a willingness to pay it, but also wondering why you'd asked for it if you weren't going to either pay it or discuss paying it.

I don't see the problem. You just reply, 'No, let's split it.' No issue.

What was your attitude? Standing there, saying nothing and hoping he'd pick up the bill?

Because that would explain his response and tone.

That's so funny.

I was always fine with bill etiquette at meals on proper dates but found the concept of someone randomly buying you a drink at the bar really baffling. I only ever heard about it - it seemed to be pre the era of proper dates where I live. Occasionally it would happen when on weekends away and I'd be confused how to respond; if I said no was that me sending him away and if I said yes did I have to drink it in his company.

Anyway one evening I was at the bar waiting for my drink when a very handsome man appeared offering to buy me a drink. The barman appeared at the same time and put mine down in front of me. We both laughed and he said "well can I pay for that one?" So I nodded and smiling looked forward to the chatting up to begin.

Instead however a second man appears glowering at him (I'm going to assume BIL) and Handsome Drink Buyer stiffens. I haven't fully caught up so I still stand there smiling awkwardly. He says something but I indicated I don't catch it so he repeats in a OTT loud disapproving voice "I said I'm married!" and shakes his head to everyone nearby to let them know I'm bothering him.

I pick up my drink, thank him and walk back to my friends utterly aghast.

If you had cash then giving him the cash made sense. Easier for the serving staff if nothing else.

i get you didn’t like him but I think that may be turning this into a bigger issue than it was.

I don't think it's that unreasonable a question. Obviously there was something in his tone and you'd already decided you didn't like him, but:

If he's very comfortable off and you know that, he might genuinely be very comfortable with picking up the whole bill, but also know there's a chance you wouldn't want that.

When I split the bill with friends, it's not at all unusual for one to pay the whole thing and the others settle up either with cash or bank tf, just to make the actually paying bit a bit more straightforward

You say two contradictory things about the way he behaved around the bill, though, OP, which I think is what's confusing people about why you were so 'mortified'.

In your OP you say:

He looked at it , sat back on his chair and with a swerve of his hand pointing at the bill said ..'do you want me to pay for this or what ?' In a really nonchalant voice ..

Then in your subsequent post you say:

When the bill came his body language , tone of voice and manners were atrocious.

Which is it? Are you misusing the term 'nonchalant', which means cool, unconcerned, unworried? Completely different thing to 'atrocious'!

bullet dodged.

Yeah this

I don't understand this? Was she meant to snatch the bill and say it's ok we are going halves? She sat and politely waited for the waiter to bring the bill, twat face looked and it and made his comment before she had a chance to do or say anything!
I would have liked to see what my date would say with regards to paying or splitting the bill regardless if I was paying half or not (personally I always would) so you have a bit more insight into who you are dealing with!