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Original poster

Would you send this woman a link to the article about her new boyfriend?

113 replies

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 15/05/2024 11:47

A woman I went to school with around 20 odd years ago has started a new relationship and it’s all over Facebook. She’s naturally an over sharer anyway, so even though I haven’t seen her since leaving school I know a lot about her life through Facebook.

Theres been lots of very lovey dovey pictures numerous times a day with this new man. She’s tagging in him everything and I noticed his Facebook name was odd, it’s two words rather than a name. I thought it was abit odd that he wouldn’t have his real name on there, but in his info bit he’d put his name.

So I googled his name and a picture comes up of him in numerous newspaper articles about how he beat a man so badly, the man had to eat through a straw. He got 6 years in prison.

would you message the woman with a link to the article?

she might already know and be ok with it, but if I didn’t know, I would want to know if I was her.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 15/05/2024 20:50

She knows, it explains the gushing posts about him.

Saschka · 15/05/2024 19:47

BovineUniversity · 15/05/2024 18:20

Don't call 111 - that's the NHS helpline. Don't call 101 either. That's bonkers advice.

Ring the Coastguard, they’ll definitely help Grin

Nchanged89 · 15/05/2024 19:46

I think you should let her know, I'd send an anonymous email or message on FB.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/05/2024 19:43

I thought that Clares law didnt just focus on domestic violence? There was an MNer recently who did an application and was told about previous crimes, iirc it was armed robbery or similar, which although not a direct threat to her was bad enough for the police to think she needed to know about it. I would say that the same applies here.

"Mind you own business" is what leads to some women being killed. IT IS OUR BUSINESS! All of us as women should be helping each other stay safe, not walking by on the other side. The OP making a Clares law application will mean nothing to her as she will receive no information from it, but it could make a big difference to her friends life......like it not being put in danger.

Sunsetsandcocktails · 15/05/2024 19:40

Was just coming on to say exactly what @Topofthemountain said! Please tell her anonymously. Any kind of violence can be an indicator that things will get worse so she deserves to know and be on the lookout for any red flags

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 19:35

1983Louise · 15/05/2024 19:30

You don't really know her tho, I'd get a hobby as you seem to spend a lot of your time in her world.

you very clearly have no idea how Facebook works! You only have to log in, to see these posts. You don't need to step into anyone's "world" 🙄

SilentSilhouette · 15/05/2024 19:34

I'd use an anonymous account and send the link.

She might know already but she might not.

Someone I know who was a bit desperate to find Mr Right thought she had with this charmer of a guy and got pregnant very quickly.

About 3 months after baby was born he showed his true colours and was quite a nasty piece of work. Turns out he'd done the same with an ex and beat her up and served 6 months for it. She wishes she'd done her homework a bit better!

1983Louise · 15/05/2024 19:30

You don't really know her tho, I'd get a hobby as you seem to spend a lot of your time in her world.

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/05/2024 19:29

I would message. I would try to word it in a way that shows you're looking out for her, not just being nosey. Something like,

'Hi X, tell me to mind my own business if you like but I couldn't not message just in case you didn't know. I thought Y having an odd name on social media was unusual and so I Googled his real name. It brought up details of his conviction for Z. It was a long time ago and I know people can change so if you know about his past and are happy in the relationship then fair enough and I'm really glad he's put it behind him, but I couldn't not say anything just in case you didn't already know xx'

ScarlettSunset · 15/05/2024 19:28

If it was me, I'd definitely want someone to make sure I knew. Not everyone googles everyone else and she may possibly not know. If she does know and doesn't care, then that's her own choice, but it's definitely worth making sure she's aware.

Just because you haven't someone for years, it doesn't mean you shouldn't bother warning them if you think they may be in danger.

As others have said, it's probably best to keep it anonymous if you don't want him finding out it was you though.

StaunchMomma · 15/05/2024 19:16

So many people on here go immediately down the 'keep your nose out' route but whatever happened to doing the right thing?

I haven't seen some of my school friends in 20 years but I'd be damned if I'd stand back and do nothing if I knew their new partner was a wrong un'!

I'd expect people to do the same for me, too.

If you're really worried, print off what you found and post it to her anonymously. That way at least you know she knows but you're there's no pressure on her to react.

Specialneedsnana · 15/05/2024 19:01

KreedKafer · 15/05/2024 18:04

Why does nobody on bloody Mumsnet understand what Clare's Law is for?

The people who can request information about a person's partner under Clare's Law are:

  • That person
  • That's person's family, close friends or neighbours

'Close friends' does not include random people on Facebook you haven't spoken to for 20 years.

The conviction that the OP is aware of wouldn't come under Clare's Law anyway. It's not domestic violence, coercive control or VAW.

Show quote history

I know this thank you.

But op can pass on the information and advice this person to do a clairs law since the person she's worried about it in a relationship with the person who may be a risk.

Topofthemountain · 15/05/2024 18:50

KreedKafer · 15/05/2024 17:57

'Man who once went to prison has relationship' is not something that the police can deal with, because a man who once went to prison is perfectly entitled to have whatever relationships he wants.

His conviction is a matter of public record and he has served his sentence (for a crime which was not related to violence against women or domestic abuse) and his relationships are now none of the police's business. There is nothing here for them to 'deal with'.

Having a conviction for a violent offence against another man would not be considered to mean he was a risk to his partner, or to women in general. Plenty of men with a string of criminal convictions for violence against other men would never even dream of laying a finger on a woman, and certainly not their partners.

OP, the fact that, for no reason, you Googled the partner of a woman you haven't seen for 20 years to find out all about him suggests that your interest here is more about nosiness and gossip than anything else.

Show quote history

That is not entirely true. Read about Professor Jane Mockton-smith's research into the domestic homicide timeline, step 1 is a pre-history of violence.

Obviously that is not saying everyone with a violent past will be a domestic abuser / killer but it is always there in those who are.

Her book is excellent, but she also did a podcast, which is incredibly informative as well as deeply harrowing.

www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2024/bbc-radio-ulster-sounds-assume-nothing-femicide-eight-steps-to-stop-a-murder

redastherose · 15/05/2024 18:36

I know you've said you're going to leave her to it but I personally think you should let her know. I'd do it anonymously but I'd send the article to her. Not everyone would google a name and some people are very trusting of what someone they are going out with tells them. I'd rather be thought of as sticking my nose in rather than find out she gets beaten up or worse because she didn't know.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 18:35

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 15/05/2024 18:22

I’m going to leave her to it I think.

many people on here seem to think I have no right to let her know as I haven’t spoken or had any contact with her for many years. Even though I know……

  • when she bought her house and where it is.
  • her pets, their names and where she got them from
  • where she worked, where she works now, and what’s she’s doing at work.
  • when she has her nieces and nephews
  • what car she drives and we’re it’s from.
  • who her mum is, dad and step mum and numerous other relatives despite never meeting them (she tags them in a lot of things)
  • what inside her house looks like
  • when she’s bought something new
  • what she eats on a regular basis
  • when she has a bath (pictures of legs in bath with candles round, numerous times a week)
  • what’s she’s doing day to day

as I said, she’s a massive oversharer, so I know a lot about her even though we haven’t spoken or seen each other in many years.

Edited

You could say the same if you follow a celebrity on Instagram.

Peachy2005 · 15/05/2024 18:34

Do you know anyone she knows, her parents or any siblings…to ask them if she knows?

Original poster
TheHeadOfTheHouse · 15/05/2024 18:22

I’m going to leave her to it I think.

many people on here seem to think I have no right to let her know as I haven’t spoken or had any contact with her for many years. Even though I know……

  • when she bought her house and where it is.
  • her pets, their names and where she got them from
  • where she worked, where she works now, and what’s she’s doing at work.
  • when she has her nieces and nephews
  • what car she drives and we’re it’s from.
  • who her mum is, dad and step mum and numerous other relatives despite never meeting them (she tags them in a lot of things)
  • what inside her house looks like
  • when she’s bought something new
  • what she eats on a regular basis
  • when she has a bath (pictures of legs in bath with candles round, numerous times a week)
  • what’s she’s doing day to day

as I said, she’s a massive oversharer, so I know a lot about her even though we haven’t spoken or seen each other in many years.

OP posts:
Nchanged89 · 15/05/2024 18:22

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/05/2024 18:09

https://clares-law.com/can-i-find-out-if-my-partner-boyfriend-husband-has-a-criminal-record/

No, it wouldn't need to be the person in a relationship with that person. From the link above:

Clare’s Law gives you the right to ask about your husband, boyfriend or partner’s backgroundWhether you’re in a heterosexual or same-sex relationship, if you’re worried that your current or former partner has a history of violence, Clare’s Law gives you the right to find out.

You can make an application to the police on your own behalf, or on the behalf of someone else like a friend, relative or neighbour that you think is at risk. Anyone can apply regardless of race, gender identity, ethnicity, sexuality, disability, religion or any other characteristic.

Show quote history

Well they're certainly not going to ring OP with the goss.
It's for close friends, family members etc if not for the person directly affected.
But the idea someone can ring 101 and report or and think that the police are going to nip round and detail his criminal record are crazy.

BovineUniversity · 15/05/2024 18:20

Don't call 111 - that's the NHS helpline. Don't call 101 either. That's bonkers advice.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 15/05/2024 18:16

Surely all women google their partners?

Don't they?

I do.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2024 18:16

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 18:14

Are you drunk? Or making fun of people with Dyslexia? It's one or the other, clearly

Show quote history

It is a reference to the series 'Baby Reindeer'.

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 18:14

Pennyandolive · 15/05/2024 16:17

Will you send it frm yr iPhoen? 🤣

Are you drunk? Or making fun of people with Dyslexia? It's one or the other, clearly

Original poster
TheHeadOfTheHouse · 15/05/2024 18:12

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 18:11

"all over Facebook" you mean it's been shared on her profile? Hmm

She has a massive following due to what she does as a living

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/05/2024 18:11

I'm pleased to hear the woman doesn't have children who might now be in the life of a man convicted of violence. That doesn't mean she might not go on to have children with him. She should know these facts before deciding on their future together.

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 18:11

"all over Facebook" you mean it's been shared on her profile? Hmm

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