Step father / step son relationship

Honestly OP MN seems to hate teenage boys for some reason. It’s very odd and I spot it everywhere

Teenagers are by their very nature selfish and thoughtless. There’s a difference between leaving the mess because “Well it’s time to eat my burger innit” and “I’m not cleaning that up because I’m a prick and mum can do it”. No teen is perfect but if hes reached 18 and is able to go to college and cook for himself, that’s a lot a teen parents dreams! So what if he moves slow, bless him.

This is ridiculous! He complained about son's weights in the kitchen and you supported by encouraging son to join a gym only to then have partners weights in the kitchen because that's somehow different? Typical arsehole behaviour.

I would be cross too but you are not a mug, sounds like you have been trying to keep everyone happy. Surprised that your son hasnt pointed this out though.

So basically oh can be messy, lazy, damage things accidentally, have weights in the kitchen.

But is ds does any of those things it’s a huge deal. While he also has a bad relationship with his own step father? Did I read.

The oh definitely needs to go. His such a hypocrite and a bully.

At 18 they are nowhere near being an adult in their brain development. He sounds like a typical teen. Eats a lot? I'd be delighted he's growing and needs it! My dd is 26 and still living at home (moving out soon). She has too many annoying habits to list.

Dh (her stepdad) gets frustrated but is a tolerant person, so if she comes in late and leaves a few things out in the kitchen, he'll do it in the morning! Not his job but then there are worse things! I'd really struggle with this and would be interested to know if he'd feel the same when his own kids are 18!

Absolutely! He should have been kinder if he didn’t wanna lose his family.

FWIW I never understand what utensils to use with which pans I just chuck the food in and get on with it. And I’m in my 40’s

I don’t allow DS23 to cook after about 9 - it’s inconsiderate, and to be fair he’s never really done it. He batch cooks his lunches and is usually doing it around 9 and cleared up by 10.

On the other hand, we’ve both scratched our pans with the wrong utensils, and if your OH has damaged the Lino I’d be going on about that. I’d pull him up on going around looking for something to have a go at your DS for - that’s pathetic.

Dump your OH and ask him to move out, the house isn't even his. Even if your son is in the wrong, your OH is a total bully and is trying to lay down the law in a house he hasn't paid for. Your son is clearly trying to improve and your instincts to support and guide your son are clearly correct.

Personally it sounds like your partner is a control freak, what happens when your eldest has enough and moves out, will he start picking on the things you do and at or on he other children? He sounds abusive to me.

Your child should be able to cook if his hungry and been out all day. Food is there to be eaten and unless told to ask first before taking certain things that's part of life. Did he have a go at your other child regarding the snack or did he just stop when he found out his own child had eaten it.

How was their relationship prior to marriage, further kids and living together? Personally struggling to see the attraction to this man if this is how he treats your son. My fiance is not my eldest father biologically but he treats our messy 17 year old who never does anything without a fuss far better. Thank heavens he does otherwise our wedding would be called off.

Yeah, my first opinion still stands. In a nutshell - "husband can fuck off with his manchild tantrums"

I’m on your DS’s side, perhaps he could clean up after himself a little more, perhaps he could ask before bringing friends aletc -but it seems as if he does try and he is your DS and he’s only 18. What does your DP expect you to do - throw your DS out ?? You’re hardly going to do that.

The incident with the utensils scraping the non stick pan - purely accidental I’m sure and not being aware of the correct utensils to use. Your DH sounds a little like a bully’s - following your DS around, waiting to catch him out on something.

Fortunately for you, you are not married to this man and own your home yourself.

I am team son

I’m really glad to hear that OP.

He’ll have to find somewhere else, not your problem. If you decide to end things, and imo you should, don’t let him guilt you.

OP, I've read all of your posts, you sound exactly like me.

Keep that in mind mind for the next bit because I say this with kindness - you've already decided what your going to do.

You don't need to make a post to confirm your right in your choices. Search your heart. The feeling you described isn't just anxiety, because I've felt it too. It's the triggering of your fight or flight mode, and the crushing heart palpitations when you hear a tone change, or banging around is so horrible, noone should have to live like that.

On the offchance I'm wrong, the only way to salvage everything is to sit down with your dh, and go through examples and how it made you feel. Surely a loving partner wouldn't want their other half scared and anxious all the time? Tell him his unwillingness to listen to you and communicate meaningfully can result in the end of the relationship, so he'd better actually engage with this. You have to be strong, because it's the only way to salvage what you two had.

I wouldn't like the cooking late at night and damaging stuff. However eating a lot and moving slowly? That just sounds like typical teen/human behaviour. I wonder if your dh will be so harsh on his own child if and when he starts exhibiting similar behaviour.

There is fault on both sides and I think you definitely need to get your son to stick to a few more boundaries, however I doubt it will ever be enough for your dh and personally I couldn't live on eggshells wondering when the next row or complaint is going to erupt.

My dh and ds sometimes clash but I always try to make sure they sort things out quickly. I can't live in a constant toxic atmosphere.

Your partner is being a total bully. A nasty bully licking on those weaker than him, like bullies do.

He has ridiculous expectations of an 18yo. Some 18yo’s are coming home at 1am drugged go to the eyeballs, abuse their parents and smash things up. Cooking at 11 isn’t disruptive and a big of burger fat / so what. Mess can be cleaned.

Leave now before he started to bully your other children or before your 18yo decides he had a hellish home life and his mum just put up with it. The younger kids will also be picking up on the bullying BTW and this will be the benchmark they’ll learn about relationships.

If DS improved, I suspect DP would find something else to moan about.

He definitely would, it’s what his sort do. My brother and me were pretty much perfect because were were scared to death of what our dad would do if something wasn’t up to his standard when he felt like being a bully. He still found fault. We both left home at 17/18 because it was so miserable living there. He was also a hypocrite, left mess everywhere.

Your partner is nothing but a nasty bully, checking everything over to find a problem with anything and everything that your son does.

My dad was like this, finding faults with everything we did and then went off to tell my mum hoping she’d team up with him. Absolute bastard. If she didn’t team up with him, he’d sulk.

Put your kids first and get rid of this bullying bastard before he ruins your relationship with your children.