Step father / step son relationship

People saying the DS needs to buck his ideas up etc., have you all missed that DP is messy and inconsiderate too?? DP seems like the problem here. He can't handle someone else behaving the way he does, and he can't handle the trials and challenges of a teenager living in the house. He's the adult, he needs to handle his concerns in a mature way, in partnership with you.

I am not sure that partner speaking directly to son about cleaning etc will resolve the issue. I think it will make it worse. If he takes his nitpicking direct to the son I am sure they will end up arguing and he will push your son away.

They need to reach an agreement on expectations through a mediator (most likely you to provide balance) and then stick to their sides of the bargain.

I don't like the sound of your dh lying in wait, trying to catch your ds doing something wrong. Teenagers do sometimes make mistakes due to inexperience, even sensible ones. Had anyone told him to use wooden spoons on non stick? I knew about it as a teenager only because my mum had told me about it.

Your son is a teenager, still finding his feet. If your DP can’t put up with a teen being a teen, he shouldn’t have started a relationship with you. It sounds like he just dislikes your DS to be honest.

Your partner sounds like a bully. I hope you kick him out. Your poor son having this man constantly looking for problems with anything he does.

It must be difficult for everyone, maybe the step father has just had enough or just not used to having a teenager and is picking on everything instead of choosing his battles or the mother not backing him when he thinks she should.

In my case my partner and 18 year old son moved into my home, both of my older sons had moved out, I had brought them up alone since they were very young so I was no novice, I found out early on that he was an attention seeker and drama queen( his mother and brothers words) he caused so many problems with his lies , for example, I had sent a txt to him to say I wanted a word with him, his response was to run off and tell his grandmother that I had threatened him or we had decorated his bedroom specially for him, which he wrecked by ripping the wall paper as he left for university, there was many other examples, it was quite obvious to me that he was deliberately doing things which his mother could not see, or did not want to see.

It took 6 years before it was finally admitted that he was doing all those things deliberately to split myself and his mother up, we are still together but it has effected our relationship (I suppose I blame her for not seeing what her son was deliberately doing),he has never taken ownership for his behaviour, he is in his 30's now, I no longer have anything to do with him.

I would hope that the 3 of you can sit down and discuss it sensibly and listen to each other.

Your son is being fairly typical for his age but the solution is not to be scurrying around tidying up after him. You have to parent him to be better and more thoughtful. It will be more conflict in the short term but will make him better in the long term.

I have lived with housemates (of both sexes) and boyfriends in my younger days that were clearly cleaned-up-after and not “trained” properly by their parents. They were all intolerable. Do him a favour and sand off the rough edges before he moves out.

Your husband is clearly at the end of his rope. Try to be understanding of that but also it is fair to acknowledge that he is looking for reasons to be annoyed. It would probably improve relations immeasurably if he could see that you’re trying to improve things with your son (and for your son!)

If your marriage is otherwise happy, this is not a marriage ending thing. You have other children to think of too.

I’ve not read the whole thread and from your initial posts your DP does sound like he’s being an arse but your DS is being disrespectful eating anything in the fridge without checking first. I’d be telling him what he’s allowed to eat outside of normal dinner times (bread, eggs, tuna, cheese, pasta etc) but if he’s going in and cooking off burgers or chicken that’s clearly been bought for a meal then he needs to be pulled up on it.

It may be worth the 3 of you sitting down and having an honest conversation of what's expected, not just what he expects of your son but also what you both expect of your partner such as showing your son some respect. Then pointing out to your partner that if he cannot treat your son better your not sure the relationship will work. Tell him his actions will determine if he looses his family, to avoid doing so he needs to treat the family equally and not continually look for faults. It sounds as though at least your son has you in his corner. It is concerning however that in time the younger children will pick up that dad let's them do things that their sibling gets told off for and could potentially lead to issues when they do something wrong and blame him because they know dad will believe them.

I also have a dp and a son (18) from a previous relationship. My dp will moan about him but not to this extent plus it’s more jokey. I think your son could be more considerate for sure, but if your dp’s reactions seem excessive then that could be an issue. Are you able to sit them both down and discuss it all?

Does your DP do any teaching of the 'cooking and cleaning as you go' life skills all of us need to learn in the home? I'd be telling him that until he's part of the solution, he needs to stop critiquing the problem OP.

It's a very typical developmental stage your DS has hit, they are starting to have autonomy over their own food intake and experiment with running a house within the safe boundaries of a family home, a unique opportunity to make mistakes and not face a harsh punishment for making those mistakes. It's our job as adults to steer and teach them how to do this effectively, not to stunt that, dictate, punish or withhold access to food and the kitchen just to suit our needs. Family homes are just that, for the family. Not just for the adults who are paying for it. I'll never understand why some adults don't get that they chose to have these children and with that comes a commitment that life isn't going to be perfect, living with multiple others is going to be chaotic and mistakes WILL happen, especially when those others are children and young adults who don't have an innate grasp on life skills. I understand even less the 'Do as I say, not as I do' mantra some adults seem to choose, it makes no sense to anyone and just breeds contempt and resentment.

Both my ds were like this at this age - it took going to uni to make them see that they have to clean up or they will end up living in a tip. It caused a lot of arguments between me and DH who was their father. So it’s not really the step bit thats the issue perhaps. I used to get accused of being soft with them, he would in my eyes go overboard. Hard to navigate and you have my sympathies! I found 17-19 the hardest ages to parent and co-habit! It will improve but your OH needs to be on board- recognise it’s a hard but really really normal part of parenting teenagers and take anger out of the situation where possible.

Honestly OP MN seems to hate teenage boys for some reason. It’s very odd and I spot it everywhere

I have seen a fair bit of that on mumsnet. It’s horrible. Also it’s most often women pregnant with boys on the ‘gender disappointment’ threads too.

Same here

OP I also grew up with an angry Dad, always looking for things to be mad about. I COULD NOT live the way you are. Your poor son, isn’t it his home, I would hate to think of my kids having to tip toe around, instead of feeling comfortable and relaxed. I think it’s telling that your DH has a go at your son via you, bullies are often cowards.

Dh is behaving like a silver back gorilla. Beating his chest. Subduing the herd. When it is not even his house! Beat yours and tell him to fuck off.

OP as others have said, the whole direction of a thread can be determined by the first answer. A lot of posters seemingly have no mind of their own and just regurgitate what has already been said. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the first few answers tbh.

Your son sounds like a typical teenager. Both my DH and I sound messier and more careless with utensils etc than he does (especially DH!). We both burn/scratch pans occasionally and neither of us leaves the side impeccable after cooking - at least your son is attempting to clean (unlike your DP with his protein powders!). And if you don't go to bed/sleep until midnight then what the hell is the problem with him sticking some burgers in the oven? I wouldn't be happy if he was clattering plates and pans etc with the younger kids asleep but I can't see that oven cooking some burgers can make that much noise?!

The only thing that would annoy me is eating food intended for others - DH used to regularly eat 'my' snacks and food like a pack of chicken breasts etc that I'd earmarked for dinner. But that was solved by having a shelf in each of the fridge, freezer and cupboard that was out of bounds.

Your DP sounds like a control freak and a hypocrite (using his weights in the kitchen after banning your son from doing so is frankly absurd and feels to me like him exerting his authority and superior position in the household...)

Yep!!

I often read posts on here about the way people treat their teen or adult children (like they’re some kind of lowly employee and not a person you chose to bring into the world) and I want to say “When your child gets a partner and they spend every Christmas at their partner’s parent’s house and not yours, you only have yourself to blame”

Me too. I am surprised so many are siding with DH. Looking for faults to bully is so nasty. I couldn't respect a man who did this at all.

Has he every made much effort with him? Doesn't sound like it. He wouldn't take him out for a pint and have a proper chat with him?