Step father / step son relationship

Both play a part, but I do feel your partner resents your son. Always bashing him (yes he might be lazy), looking for things to complain about and blaming everything on your son.

Your partner is the exact same as your son, with his laziness and carelessness. I would be calling him out on everything from now on, not excusing it as accidental. Then have the conversation about how he feels in his own house.

“Using the wrong utensils is out of order” fuck me, some people have got the wrong priorities in life. We’ve got an 18 year old here, who’s going to college, he goes to the gym, he cooks stuff for himself and cleans up afterwards (albeit not perfectly). He sounds like he’s doing great. You should be proud of him @Weddingbells6 and of yourself for getting him there. The problem is clearly the “D”P. Not least because he doesn’t actually clean up himself, and is a financial mess! The gall of him criticising your son.

Keep the son, lose the cocklodger.

Having seen more of your updates OP your DP is driving this conflict.
Puts you in a very difficult position.

he sounds like my ex and it escalated and I left him. My son was 16 not 18 but it was clear he always found him to be in the way and I wasn’t tolerating that.

You tell your son that the kitchen closes at x time, if he is out with friends and is hungry at 11 pm then it's either cereal / sandwich or he buys himself a takeaway on the way home.

Is he having dinner earlier in the evening ?

You show your son how to clean / tidy up after himself to your expectations, if he doesn't get it right, show him again and again.

You discuss with your son what is in the fridge and who it is for, i.e. the extra large chicken is for dinner for the whole family on Thurs eve - do not go hacking the legs off it for yourself.
The ham / cheese / milk / tuna whatever - help yourself to whenever you want.

and show your son how to work the washing machine / how to sort his clothes for the washing machine. how to dry the clothes and how to fold/iron/put away his clothes.

It is prob a bit unfair your son bringing round friends late at night if there are younger children in the home.

Now your son is on his way to being able to look after himself,

sort the dp out - bye bye seems appropriate.

as i am at a total loss as to how he enhances your life ?

is he enhancing the other children's lives ?
or are they lying in bed waiting for his eruption...
are they walking around on eggshells during the day

or is he father of the year and it is just your own son that he actively dislikes ?

I do think your son needs to do better but that is part of parenting a teen and such behaviours are not uncommon. You do need to address that with your son. The way your partner handles it is the problem. Coming to you angry so you loving on eggshells is unacceptable he could raise it with you in a healthier way (although I wonder if he's at the end of his tether now and the patience has gone?). While some of partners frustration may be excusable what jumped out at me is that your partner is just as bad leaving a mess and expecting you to pick up after him?! That makes any excusable frustration inexcusable because he's treating you how he moans your son is behaving. Shows he's a selfish git happy to put you out but not be put out himself as a normal part of raising teens. I think leaving a man who treats you this way in domestic duties is completely reasonable and would be regardless of your son's behaviour.

But please do work on your son's behaviour even if you split from partner over this. So many women are dealing with men like your partner with these sexist lazy attitudes and if we don't teach our next generation of voulus to do better our daughters will suffer like us

@Thisistyresome - your response is way off and frankly weird. You sound like a Victorian housemaster. There is nothing in anything OP has said to suggest he'd struggle to live independently, that OP has failed (to quote yourself) to equip him with "the skills to function" or that his siblings are suffering because of him. He sounds like, as many have said, a normal teenager. You're making up your own narrative here, to what end only you know.

Youre husband is making an ass of himself, you need to talk to him. Your son is being a dumb teenager, you should probrably correct that. You mentioned your dad was angry over small things- seems you married a guy who turned out somewhat similar.

Just wanted to add, yes your son is 18, yes he may go to uni at some point. This does not automatically mean he is definitely moving out any time soon or able to move out. He definitely should not be kicked out.

However, many young people have no choice but to live with their parents until they are in there early-late twenties, there are some people I know in their 30s having to move back in with their parents. The housing market (rent & to buy) is shockingly put of control.

Your son sounds like a normal teenager and actually quite a good one of he is trying to take on board what you tell him and does jobs that you ask without complaining. Dies that mean DS is innocent? No. But he is far from a piss taking, entitled boy who has no idea how the real world works.

Your husband sounds like a dick who dislikes/resents your DS.

If this is how you feel now, do you really think you can overcome this? He is purposefully finding any fault with your son. How do you think you would feel in 10yrs time if you stayed with DH? Do you think you will be happy and think that he treated your DS fairly?

Flabbergasted by some posts on here.

contrary to the bizarre UK system (which is not adopted anywhere else) that “you’re 18, you’re an adult!”, 18 is just a teenager who is still learning. I feel extremely sorry for your son - he is clearly trying to rectify the problems. Don’t people remember being 18? You’re just a bit crap at life. Usually you’re used to your parents doing quite a lot and then you are suddenly expected to step it up and it’s hard. And you’re lazy. And you’re careless and you want to clean the hob but it never looks right.

he’s eating a lot, eating late and doing his best to tidy up. It’s not perfect but he will get there.

your OH on the other hand is a nasty prick and a bully. The reality is that NOTHING your son does will be right. He could have the kitchen sparkling and your partner is going to find some other stupid shit to complain about. He dislikes your son - he is possibly jealous of him, given the example with the weights. Funny your son wasn’t allowed to but then suddenly your OH wants the same? Is he pulling rank or copying? Either way it’s troubling.

none of us are in your house - YOU are. Your spidey senses are tingling because this is bullshit and wrong and you know it.

LTB. Honestly. Fucking leave him he’s a nasty piece of work and your life shouldn’t be like this.

I’d have loved to have seen your difference in responses if the the 18yo DS was a DD.

People would be telling the OP he probably fancies her.

So much anger and hate for a perfectly normal and harmless teenage boy, so much defending of a bully. Why do you all hate teenage boys?

Oh FGS another I’ve reaction. The boy can cook for himself and appears to have no signs of alarming years ahead of him other than he’s a bit of a thoughtless teenager (living in a house with a bully and a poor mum pushed to the brink).

You are putting your 18 year old first at the expense of your other children

Did I miss something, is the 18yo harming the younger children?

I think people are reply over reacting over the utensil thing. Sayings it’s inexcusable and out of order - how is he supposed to know unless he’s told, and with teenagers you have to say it more than once?

I think your son is no angel and using the wrong utensils is out of order. But I'm concerned about the fact that your partner objects to him eating food (boys that age eat for England) and he's having to buy his own food when still in full time education. We were broke when I was in 6th form as a family but my parents never asked me for a penny and even when mum died and the ss stoped dad's benefits, he let me keep the money from my part time job.
You don't say how long he's been cooking his own bits, he's still learning, perhaps a couple of lessons, telling its best if he cleans as he goes.

I think the problem is your husband and I'm really surprised so many think it's the DS.
It sounds like the only person it bothers is your DH. Yet DH is equally as messy, but happy to constantly find fault with your DS.

He's 18, has a part-time job, cooks for himself, etc. Plenty of teenagers are messy, from your post it's hard to tell whether it's purposeful, or whether he's left a mess because he's rushing/tired. Does he help with other things around the house? Does he tidy up when asked? When I was a teenager I probably scratched loads of pans as I didn't really see what the big deal was (as someone who cooks daily and pays for appliances/utensils I do now understand). I doubt its out of spite or laziness.

I've read so many posts on MN of teenagers and even DC in their 20s that can't cook or do something for themselves, so I disagree that DS is taking the piss.

I'd ditch the husband, it sounds like he has major issues with your DS and if you can't put up with it, imagine how your son feels.

This is your problem.

"My child comes first 100%"

Are you actually helping your son who is now 18 by not having nay standards of behaviour? You appear to have mollycoddled him too long. I was looking after most of this stuff myself by 13.

When your son moves out what state will he live in? You appear to have failed to equip him with the skills to function. Your partner sounds like he is being a bit unreasonable, but I suspect this has been building for along time and you failed to address you sons behaviour/life skills.

You are putting your 18 year old first at the expense of your other children.

Sounds to me that DH is messier than DS

Do people really ban cooking after a certain time? Jesus!

I think your son needs to be more considerate re mess and noise but it all sounds typical teenage stuff to me!

Your partner sounds like he's looking for fault tbh.

I agree with this. My stepdad had no tolerance for me when I was growing up. I moved out at 18. My Mum was so stressed - he was emotionally abusive and would shout alot. We both have anxiety for it and now I never shout at my children for accidents as I know the detrimental effects.

DP needs to learn how to let certain things go (instead of bringing up past wrongs). He also shouldn´t act in a manner that triggers your child hood trauma. You NEED to tell him that it is unacceptable.

But you also need to be firm with your DS. He is 18, an adult! He should not cook at 23 and he definitely needs to clean up after himself.
Eating food meant for everyone is inconsiderate as well. Get him a drawer with basic food stuff (or he can fill it himself) which is meant for snacks etc.