To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

You might want to research rejection sensitivity/rejection sensitive dysphoria. I think there are traits you might recognise.

Blimey, you are seriously overreacting. I didn’t have any of my friends as bridesmaids, though I love them to death. I picked my two little goddaughters instead. One of my closest friends had no bridesmaids. I’d far rather be a guest than a bridesmaid anyway. You seem to have an abnormally strong and self-destructive reaction to perceived rejection, and jump quickly to extreme conclusions. Counselling could help you. Also go on the blooming camping trip. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face!

personally I am not into the idea of adult bridesmaids - why does an adult woman of 33 want other adult women walking down the aisle with her - unless they are family i.e. sisters / cousins / the groom's sisters etc.
( as I personally think adult bridesmaids may be taller / slimmer etc. than the bride

Because they want to?

Because it’s tradition?

https://simplepleasuresweddings.com/blog/dont-forget-about-the-groom/#:~:text=Protecting%2520the%2520duo%E2%80%93and%2520mainly,ten%2520bridesmaids%2520and%2520ten%2520groomsmen%253F

OP, if you're good friends have you not had any chats about her wedding? When any of my friends have been getting married (whether I've been bridesmaid or not) there's lots of wedding chats long before the invites come out so I've always been aware who the wedding party is.

I don't think you're being ridiculous to feel hurt, I can imagine I'd find it quite hurtful too but I wouldn't jump the gun too much regarding bridesmaids, she might have one or two of just family. You don't even know yet.

You need to grow up

OP I 100% understand the hurt.

But perhaps she isn’t having any to save money, or she has pressure to have cousins etc.

When you next see her tell her you’re so excited for her wedding, have you decided on bridesmaids best man etc. im sure it isn’t a case of she doesn’t find you fun!

I actually live in dread of people asking me to be a BM 🤣 and have said no a couple of times. I find it such a huge commitment and the expectation to organise so much, etc plus it’s an absolute fortune and the day is much more fun as a guest.

Yikes.

It's not actually important. My friend has just been asked and she has to wear a floor-length peach clingy dress. She's 20 stone and really short. She dreading it. She'd much rather wear something that suits and have a good time.

@MrsTerryPratchett Something similar happened to a friend of mine, it was a green monstrosity, she hated that dress!

As@coupdetonnerre says, you live and move on. Yes, you’re hurt, but it doesn’t mean that you’re not still friends.

I have a few close friends and I’ve realized that the best way to maintain adult friendships is to not expect too much of people. Yes, your closest friends are there for you when you need a good moan and vice versa, but we all have other things going on in our lives. Your friend may be under pressure from her/his family about the wedding arrangements, for example. Friendships are mainly about enjoying each other’s company, don’t stress about this, just enjoy being at her wedding. 💐

I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her.

You're making her special day about you. To the point of avoiding her. I think it's unlikely you don't carry any of that energy and behaviour into real life interactions. People leak their emotions.

I have been a bridesmaid three times and got married twice. NONE of the people were replicated. So the people I was BM for weren't BM for me and the people who were BM for me didn't ask me. All still friends, all still fine. One woman I was BM for did a reading, but that's it.

It's not actually important. My friend has just been asked and she has to wear a floor-length peach clingy dress. She's 20 stone and really short. She dreading it. She'd much rather wear something that suits and have a good time.

In some cases yes. I have another destination wedding - we aren't close. I am not expecting to be asked to be part of the wedding but I am very honoured to attend.
VS a lifelong friend you grew up with, someone you are super close to. It's as though they are chasing other people over you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel hurt.
It's normal surely? But you live and move on. It's not the end of the world.

OP they really could be lots of reasons .. maybe she have just young children as bridesmaids, or like a girl
I knew she had a very close group
Of friends but also
Had 3 sisters 2 nieces ect and told her friends that she was just going to have family as bridesmaids .. they all
Understood .. I'm sure she values your friendship .. I've been a bridesmaids 3 times twice of those chief Im only still
In touch with one of the brides .. so don't let it effect your friendship and enjoy the wedding

Your reaction is extreme and on the face if it, overly dramatic. You don't even know if she's having bridesmaids! I didn't have bridesmaids for this very reason, people take it so personally, it's not about you!

Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered.

I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her.

I can understand being upset that you haven’t been chosen as a bridesmaid. The strength of your reaction to this - and the way you’ve reacted to any perceived rejection from people in the past - is way out of proportion. I’m not saying that you’re being dramatic. I’m saying that you are much more sensitive to rejection than most people and it causes you a lot more emotional pain. It is somethIng that you can work on, with help from a counsellor, if you want to try to change things.

The way you’ve dealt with things in the past, cutting out the person you feel has rejected you so they can’t hurt you again, means that you’ve never really had to learn to manage your feelings. It also means that you’ve probably lost a lot of friends/potential friends who weren’t actually rejecting you.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you are being a bit of a silly moo
The choice a person makes for bridesmaids can be based on so many different variables, not just a 'who I like best' list .
She clearly does want you there, and if you have been friends for so long, I am sure you want to be there too.
It is totally valid to feel hurt, but then after some self compassion, throw yourself into being happy for her, with none of the stess

Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship

You seem to have a very transactional view of friendships. I can understand (maybe) being disappointed, but this level of upset is way out of proportion to what happened here. You are 33 years old; not being asked to be someone's bridesmaid should not be hurting your self esteem!

I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward

My God, do not have your mother intervene! How embarrassing. Just no.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but this is so over the top that clearly something else is going on here.

You may be her oldest friend or one of them, but it appears you are not one of her closet friends - as you say yourself ' She has called two other women sisters to her,' thus I would expect one or both of them will be her bridesmaids - if she is having adult bridesmaids.

Not quite sure why you suggested the following ' but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. '
are you thinking she is having 4-6 adult bridesmaids ?

personally I am not into the idea of adult bridesmaids - why does an adult woman of 33 want other adult women walking down the aisle with her - unless they are family i.e. sisters / cousins / the groom's sisters etc.

( as I personally think adult bridesmaids may be taller / slimmer etc. than the bride :)

and NO ' I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids ' there is no way on earth your mother should get involved with asking the bride's mother this, you are 33 now and not 7 !!!

however I do think you should look into counselling as suggested.

I’m sorry this has hit you hard.

It does seem a rather extreme reaction to not being a bridesmaid, though - you seem to be questioning the entire premise of your friendship. Wedding plans are subject to so many different factors; I don’t think it’s sensible to read too much into it.

Being invited is the honour surely, though I agree that sometimes the cost is just too high.

Point being, one can't expect someone to be there for them and make sacrifices for the friendship but not honour them in any way.

You are seemingly pinning all of your self-worth over not being someone's bridesmaid. Do you not appreciate how extreme and silly this is?

When I got married, I started getting pressure from different directions to choose my bridesmaids, I ended up not having any. Family insisted I needed cousins X, Y and Z, and also this niece, and my childhood bestie etc, it was a nightmare, potential of causing too much conflict.

A couple of people were offended I had no bridesmaids but it was 100% the right decision to avoid drama. I'd expect a friend to understand.

Sorry you are feeling so hurt OP. Your reaction to the situation is pretty intense and I think this is more reflective of how you feel about yourself internally and your fear of rejection. Have you ever thought about some counselling, or doing some work on your self esteem?

Please don’t say anything to this friend about not being a bridesmaid. You expecting to be given that role and your upset now has nothing to do with her.

Surely you don't even know she has bridesmaids yet? One of my two closest friends (who was a bridesmaid at my wedding) didn't have me as one at hers (she had her three sisters instead).

It never occured to me to be upset or doubt our friendship. she clearly cares for you and wants you there.