To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

I've just set a wedding date, I don't have a 'best' friend but I do have a number of close friends and what has taken me aback is how many of them have said 'presumably I'll be a bridesmaid' or 'what sort of bridesmaids dress are we having' without me ever having suggested that I might ask. People have even suggested their kids saying 'oh my xxx has never been a bridesmaid, if you are happy to have an extra one, we would pay for her dress'

It's extremely awkward and I've not asked anyone yet for fear of this exact reaction. Tbh I'd only planned on having my daughters but I don't know how to approach it.

So with this in mind yabu because it won't be personal, it will be a hard decision weighing old friendships over new, and worrying people will take it personally. Avoiding trips with your friend etc it all sounds very childish. I'm sorry that you have self esteem problems but you need to unlink the value of your friendship with whether or not you are a bridesmaid, surely other friendship factors matter more?

you’re 33 not 13.

you need to start acting like an adult

I had already been thinking as I read ‘wow this person needs to work on her self esteem’ and then I read your last sentence - this is the crux of the issue. Start valuing yourself not by how much your friends or other people like you but by your own sense of your intrinsic worth. It does sound like you could use some therapy if possible .

You really need to let this bridesmaid thing go if you want to continue to have good and healthy friendships. See it for what it is - not choosing you is not a slight on how much your friend likes you in this situation, and more importantly is not a reflection on you as a person. Try and remember this, focus on being happy for her and do things like going on the camping trip so that you can maintain your friendship.

Do you have any reason to think she's having 4-6 bridesmaids? That's a lot and would be quite unusual. The choice of bridesmaids is not necessarily a reflection of who the bride values most as a friend. There could be family members she feels obliged to choose, and there may be practical considerations like who lives closest for dress fittings and to provide support.

Viewing this as a personal slight is only going to do you harm. Please find a way to move on from it. Not going on the group holiday is cutting off your nose to spite your face and will only serve to make you more distancef from the whole group. You will be happier in the long run if you can manage not to care about not being her bridesmaid. Try very hard to find a way to do that. Get some counselling if you need to.

From the comments, I don't think the op is friends with this person. They lived/live close enough that grew up together. The friend has closer friends. The op probably finds most of her information about the friend through her mother who visits the friends mother often. That is not friendship. That's just knowing someone through existence. The friend has people who are non blood related with whom she calls sisters. If anything, the op should be sister from another mother. However, this might apply more to her mother than anything.

I do think its likely she'll have around 6 bridesmaids.

Do you ever see her on your own? Has she chatted with you about any wedding plans? How do you know she will have 6 bridesmaids?

If she's the type of friend you meet up with for a chat then ask her about her wedding plans and be enthusiastic.

If she's not that type of friend then I wouldn't expect her to ask you.

Finally I've never had an invite to a wedding at least 7 months ahead! I'm amazed she has sent an invite now for next year.

This is all a bit strange. Surely if you’re as close as you seem to be saying that you are, then you’d know much more about her wedding and bridesmaid plans? Do you not discuss the wedding when you see her or chat to her or have I missed something? You say you don’t even know how many or who the bridesmaids are?
Of course it’s disappointing not to be ‘chosen’ but it doesn’t change anything about your friendship.

I don't think you sound intense and I totally understand your feelings and pain. I recently wasn't invited on a hen do and to the wedding of a woman I thought I was friends with. It was extremely painful and hit me for six. It took me a lot of days to "get over it".

The only advice I can give is that it's highly likely she does love and appreciate you but she may feel she is closer to some others on a day to day basis than she is to you. This doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship and care about you. But I can understand how hurtful and upsetting this is.

Absolutely my first thought .

I am sorry OP it's not a nice thing to happen

Go on that trip with your friends. There will be others there who are also not bridesmaids. There's no reason to punish your friend for her (apparent) decision.

Your friend has a wide circle of friends. Do you really think all the other non- bridesmaids are going to drop her too? Of course they're not. They'll be there at the wedding having a good time and wishing her well. And so should you be.

Your reaction is extreme. I'm sorry you feel that way, but the answer isn't to s drop your friend (and consequently the rest of your mutual circle).

Some people are also so sociable and popular that the way you feel about them is also the way many many others do too.

some special friends of mine are just so great that they have many friendships and I have to accept that they don’t have the same time to focus on being as close to me as I’d like to be to them. I just enjoy the chances I do get to see them. I don’t see the fact they have a much bigger social world as a rejection of me, I’m just in awe of their charisma 😊

friendships also grow and change depending on time of life; often you may actually spend more time with work colleagues or local parents at same life stage out of convenience/limited time, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about the frjends you are able to see less but might just make you less of a consideration for bridesmaid.

this is an issue with your own self esteem and expectations. Don’t let it ruin what sounds like a lovely friendship; and suck it up and go on the camping trip!!

It's understandable to feel disappointed if you thought you would be asked, and I can very much identify with feelings of being left out or like other people have more close friends than you. It hurts sometimes.

However, please don't make this into something it isn't. If she has a wide circle, choosing bridesmaids will be difficult, and there may even be family she needs to consider too. I've never been to a wedding with 4-6 bridesmaids so I don't know why you would assume that, and if there are a big number it's normally because they've felt they need to include some if their or their new dhs family, so certainly not 4-6 friends. But even if she has, she still invited you to the wedding. That means she likes you and you are her friend!

I can think of some really close friends I know who weren't each others bridesmaids, usually because they didn't want many. These people are still close years later and it would be a tragedy if one of them had distanced themselves and lost that over one day and a dress, when they could have been enjoying their friends wedding!

I ger your point.However when you have been friends from childhood., it sometimes means that while you are still close , maybe she has other uni friends or similar, maybe they have had her for their BM or something. Do go on the camping trip. It will be a chance to bond .When u marry you will see it is not as easy as it seems!

Please don't consider ending a valued friendship over not being a bridesmaid - it's not the 'be all and end all' marker of what you mean to someone. You have your invite - go and enjoy the day celebrating with your friend, whether she has other bridesmaids or not.

From what you say, I also wonder if you're being a bit harsh on your mum, who was perhaps just trying to reassure you and move your thinking on a bit.

Put a positive spin on it
you get to wear your choice of outfit
you won’t have any ‘responsibilities’ on the day
you can arrive and leave when you want on the day
you don’t need to get involved in any pre wedding drama
you may well spend less money / time
you’ll still be friends afterwards

I’d consider that you dodged a bullet. -have a scroll through the bridesmaids / wedding posts

I get not wanting to spend £6k

But you cancelled because you weren't a bridesmaid/no hen? 😳

Just because someone is your closest friend, doesn’t always mean you are theirs.

That’s absolutely fine; there’s no need to avoid them, or end a friendship over it?

Sounds like a family friends-type situation.

Again, the MN 'all relationships are transactional' trope.
No person is obligated to 'honour' any investment in a relationship. Friendhip and all that goes with it shoul be given freely without expectation.
Otherwise, it is very school playground

I have had periods where I have felt less important to friends than they are to me. It's hurts and sucks.

Counselling definitely helped me with my esteem.

Basically you are two different people, you feel close to her in an individual way. She feels close to you but also has several other friends she feels the same or perhaps more about.

That's not a negative on you I'm sure she loves you and you are great friends. You just have different situations.

Try not to let this taint your friendship, it's still as valid. Do you know who she has chosen as bridesmaids. ? There can be many reasons for choosing- pressure from family, proximity, confidence. You don't know why she hasn't asked you but it's unlikely to be because you're not a good friend.

I wouldn't say anything as it may spoil your friendship if she is made to feel bad for not asking.

Just be interested, get involved if asked and enjoy supporting your friend.

Just enjoy simply being one of the guests.

I don't think it is a snub. It looks like you aren't yet even sure whether she is having bridesmaids or not. They are not compulsory.

If you show her that you are reacting badly to this then it will affect the friendship and you will be difficult to be around. You should just be happy for her and not put yourself at the centre of this. Do adults even have best friends nowadays? What do you say to her to make her have to tell you she doesn't have best friends?

I came here to say this.
having been a sufferer myself (until I had lots of therapy! Life is so much better without this kind of horrible pain!)
I know that no amount of people telling you it’s not a big deal will help.

if you have RSD, what you’re feeling might be a deep physical pain that makes it hard to enjoy life at all right now.

if that’s the case, know that you’re not alone in this, and that this is normal and what you’re feeling is okay! BUT the stories your mind is coming up with as to what it means that she hasn’t asked you- those things aren’t true. At ALL.

the only facts you have are that you’ve been invited to her wedding, and that she will have bridesmaids (are you certain of this? Some people don’t want bridesmaids.)

there is a lot of political family jostling when it comes to bridesmaids and all that - sometimes it can be an absolute nightmare. You don’t have any info as to what she’s going through, or who she’s having to please with this. Weddings can be such a minefield for creating strife!

if this is someone you consider a dear, close friend, just try to trust that there will be some reason for this, and it’s NOT a rejection of you.

there’s a TED talk out there about rejection, and how it shows up in the same place in our brain as when we are physically hurt. The brain lights up like we broke a leg or something.

the way to help it, it is said, is to choose a trait about yourself that you are glad you have, proud of, that you feel is good. For example, your loyalty to this friend is quite a lovely trait.
then write about that trait. For some reason, this has to be writing by hand (not typing), in order for the brain to heal. Write why it’s helpful, why it’s a lovely trait to have, and how you would value someone with that trait in your life.

it’s a way to set the wound. It’s a way to deal with the hurt. Whether or not she rejected you, you’re feeling as if she did, and those feelings need some care.

hugs, op. I hope you find out she had to ask family members - I hope you go to the wedding and have a wonderful time - I hope you wind up being so glad you’re not stuck in a bridesmaid’s dress, in that tedious job (it can be awful! And expensive!)

Gosh that's a very intense reaction to something I would consider a non issue. I had two cousins as my bridesmaids as I had lots of friends and couldn't choose. Has she got sisters and other female relatives? Just go and enjoy seeing your friend get married.