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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

212 replies

aenre2or · 14/05/2024 23:41

Would really appreciate advice as my family don't get why I'm upset and 99% of my friends are mutual friends with this person.
I am 33 my closest female friend since we were 5 is getting married next year. My invite arrived today which my mum said meant she definitely wouldn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, does everyone agree? I find it's really affecting my self esteem, that I can maintain a friendship for over 28 years but she doesn't consider me among her top 4-6 friends. She's always said that I give the best advice. Yet clearly she doesn't consider me as fun, likeable, interesting and whatever else as them. My mother said she couldn't understand why I would even think I might be a bridesmaid as she has such a wide circle of friends. This actually hurts possibly more than anything that my own mother thinks so little of me, I'm really trying to see how else she could mean this but its hard to see an alternative. Friend's always said she doesn't have a best friend which I respect and understand and I've never asked to be her best friend. She has called two other women sisters to her, I don't know how she talks about me to other people but I thought we had the same level of relationship as this. She does keep in good contact and has suggested us meeting up alone several times so I know she doesn't hate my company. I don't think i'm co-dependant or a nightmare. I'm generally described as kind and thoughtful by friends. I see her parents regularly and our parents are friendly. I doubt my mum would ask her mum if she's finished choosing bridesmaids because my mum hates conflict. I hate conflict too. I probably won't say anything to her because it would be too awkward and (as above) most of my friends are hers too. It's not about the day to me at all it's what not being chosen as a bridesmaid represents about our friendship and what she thinks of me compared to these other women (I know all of them or who I think they would be anyway). Whenever I've been forgotten about or excluded in the past I've cut that person out because I knew they weren't at all bothered. That isn't an option here and I don't want to end our friendship but I don't know how to deal with my hurt or the effect its having on my self esteem. I am literally not going on the group camping trip because I can't bear spending time with her. Its making me feel like I would feel really alone among all my other friends wondering what they think of me if the person I'm closest to holds me in so little regard. I don't know how to assess my personality/ traits, if its possible to change and if I should/need to. Sorry if I sound irrational I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/05/2024 09:30

Your mother is just saying what is true about the fact that bridesmaids wouldhave been chosen before the invitations went out. She is also being practical and seeing valid reasons why you might not have been chosen and that it doesn't mean that your friend doesn't think of you as a very close friend.

You will have a much nicer time as a guest. Be joyous about the wedding and also go on the camping trip and have fun.

Some people only have children as bridesmaids, some only choose cousins, some have couples as attendants, some choose future sisters-in-law, some have friends who live close to each other etc etc. It's no big slight to be over looked for a bridesmaid position.

Bushmillsbabe · 15/05/2024 09:29

Sometimes it's because she trusts and considers you to be a good friend that you haven't been asked
My best friend - her mum was making her life hell insisting she asks her sisters, her cousins etc when she wanted me and our other closest friend. Knowing her mum, she would never take no for an answer, and knowing my friend she was super stressed trying to please everyone. So we said to her to have them in the fancy dresses, and we would do all the usual responsibilities of a bridesmaid, organised her hen do, went dress shopping with her, helped her get ready on the day whilst the others prance around worrying about themselves.

She could trust that we didn't need the OTT dress to know we were close friends, and that we would be there for her.

Peachy2005 · 15/05/2024 09:23

@aenre2or its great that you are taking the constructive comments on board. Therapy can be an ongoing thing and as you've had it once before, hopefully it’s easier for you to see that you could benefit from a bit more now. Then you might or not need it again later if something else arises. It’s so valuable to learn the value of doing this and a great indicator of being able to grow and learn and overcome whatever life throws at you. Good luck!

Runningbird43 · 15/05/2024 09:16

Has she actually chosen 4-6 adult bridesmaids?

is she having bridesmaids at all? Or adult bridesmaids?

you’re getting all wound up about not being in her “top 6” friends but if she’s only having 6 year old cousin suzie for the cuteness in photos then you’ve got yourself all worked up over nothing.

personally I think adult bridesmaids are a bit pointless- does anyone really enjoy dressing up in a frock chosen by someone else? It cost a fortune as well so if she’s budgeting she may well cut the bridesmaids.

grow up, choose yourself a dress you love and that makes you look great, and enjoy the day with no obligations.

Hopingtobe4 · 15/05/2024 09:10

It is difficult to be left out. And worse when you has it built up.in your head.

I found out my oldest friend wasn't having me by seeing stories on Instagram,had 3 friends she had met in the pastb5 years. It hurt a bit..but tbh it was for the best as time went on.

Funnily she doesn't speak to one of these girls now at all...I don't know ir she has regrets but not my place to know either.

Hope you feel better. Might be worth investing time in other friendships and making stronger connections with others.

gamerchick · 15/05/2024 09:06

Being a bridesmaid is shit. You get all the best bits without the headache being a guest.

It won't be personal. Just enjoy the run up without any of the jobs.

Thudercatsrule · 15/05/2024 09:00

Sounds like you are way to needy and thats why she hasnt asked. Weddings are so stressful as it without worrying about a bridesmaids welfare, sorry.

Cannotbebothered19 · 15/05/2024 08:54

You are being very ridiculous.
I had three bridesmaids,one including my sister, I had about 20 good friends and hope the 18 left out didn’t think like you ! It never even occurred to me that anyone was offended 🤷‍♀️

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 15/05/2024 08:52

I'm so glad to hear you're reconsidering the camping trip. It will be a lovely bonding experience with all your friends. Try to view the subject if who is or isn't a bridesmaid as a complete non-issue. If you keep telling yourself it doesn't matter you will start to believe it. Your inner monologue has the power to change your outlook on life a lot. And do give counselling some serious thought.

Original poster
aenre2or · 15/05/2024 08:46

Thank you for the helpful advice and perspectives.

For context: I do think we're pretty close, the wedding invitations have come out 5 weeks after they got engaged.

I see this shouldn't affect our friendship and only really shows the issue with my self esteem which I will work on.

I see my Mother wasn't trying to be unkind.

The camping trip hasn't been finalised yet but I will most likely go.

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 15/05/2024 08:29

mamajong · 15/05/2024 07:07

I've just set a wedding date, I don't have a 'best' friend but I do have a number of close friends and what has taken me aback is how many of them have said 'presumably I'll be a bridesmaid' or 'what sort of bridesmaids dress are we having' without me ever having suggested that I might ask. People have even suggested their kids saying 'oh my xxx has never been a bridesmaid, if you are happy to have an extra one, we would pay for her dress'

It's extremely awkward and I've not asked anyone yet for fear of this exact reaction. Tbh I'd only planned on having my daughters but I don't know how to approach it.

So with this in mind yabu because it won't be personal, it will be a hard decision weighing old friendships over new, and worrying people will take it personally. Avoiding trips with your friend etc it all sounds very childish. I'm sorry that you have self esteem problems but you need to unlink the value of your friendship with whether or not you are a bridesmaid, surely other friendship factors matter more?

“Tbh I'd only planned on having my daughters but I don't know how to approach it” - it’s very easy, you say “I don’t want to have lots of bridesmaids so I’m just going to have my daughters.” You don’t owe anyone anything and it’s completely your choice.

Daisys24 · 15/05/2024 08:28

Ive not been a bridesmaid as an adult as the people closest to me have not married yet. However seeing a few people close to me be bridesmaids for other people recently looks stressful. They are expected to do so much and put so much involvement into the wedding. The same weddings I’ve attended without the stress but I still went to the hen party’s and had a great time. I would only be upset if I wasn’t invited to the hen party

RoachFish · 15/05/2024 08:15

So what has actually happened so far is that she has invited you to her wedding. You and your mother have then decided that you are not going to be a bridesmaid and you are extracting yourself from your friendship group because of it and you are not going on the planned trip. The crime (of her inviting you to her wedding) doesn't really fit the punishment (you no longer being able to be her friend). I think a grip is needed to be gotten.

elevens24 · 15/05/2024 08:11

I can understand why you might feel upset, but you don't know the details of the wedding. Maybe she's having none/ one bm. I think if she was going to ask you she'd have done it before invites went out. This now gives you time to accept it's unlikely to happen and find a way to not make it about you.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 15/05/2024 07:56

PoppyCherryDog · 15/05/2024 07:55

Agree with this. Why are people so heartless at times.

Show quote history

Me too 🤍

PoppyCherryDog · 15/05/2024 07:55

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 15/05/2024 00:02

Ah now @NewName24 have a heart. OP is already feeling down. There are ways of saying things.

Agree with this. Why are people so heartless at times.

Mockingjay123 · 15/05/2024 07:49

Maybe she isn’t having bridesmaids. Or has chosen family members. Or children/ teenagers ( being a bridesmaid is more for this age group anyway I think).

Nicole1111 · 15/05/2024 07:38

I’d most definitely seek cbt for low self esteem. Alternatively you can have a go at it yourself if you feel able by reading overcoming low self esteem, which is on the nhs recommended reading list.

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 15/05/2024 07:34

Have you ever been a bridesmaid? It’s not as romantic as it sounds. It’s a load of b o l l ….. if you ask me. If it’s any consolation being a bridesmaid or choosing bridesmaids is an absolute nightmare in my experience. I was a bridesmaid and after witnessing bridezilla so closely it tainted our relationship and put me right off weddings. You need counseling for your rejection sensitivity which I get might well be linked into your perception of your mothers attitude. Me too. You are clearly a lovely, kind and highly sensitive person. I hope you’re ok.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2024 07:29

mamajong · 15/05/2024 07:07

I've just set a wedding date, I don't have a 'best' friend but I do have a number of close friends and what has taken me aback is how many of them have said 'presumably I'll be a bridesmaid' or 'what sort of bridesmaids dress are we having' without me ever having suggested that I might ask. People have even suggested their kids saying 'oh my xxx has never been a bridesmaid, if you are happy to have an extra one, we would pay for her dress'

It's extremely awkward and I've not asked anyone yet for fear of this exact reaction. Tbh I'd only planned on having my daughters but I don't know how to approach it.

So with this in mind yabu because it won't be personal, it will be a hard decision weighing old friendships over new, and worrying people will take it personally. Avoiding trips with your friend etc it all sounds very childish. I'm sorry that you have self esteem problems but you need to unlink the value of your friendship with whether or not you are a bridesmaid, surely other friendship factors matter more?

Only having your daughters is the best plan!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2024 07:26

'Holds me in so little regard' she hasn't done anything mean to you. Some people do have lots of close friends and they don't always choose 'oldest friend' or 'most loved' they sometimes choose 'good at planning hen do' 'will be good fun to get ready with' which is up to her.
Also she might just have sisters or family or kids, lots do.

I think that you are making this into a huge thing and you might benefit from counselling to help you put things in perspective and boost your self esteem.

MountCaramel · 15/05/2024 07:14

You need therapy to process your intense obsessional thoughts on friendships. It would help you need learn about healthy boundaries in future relationships. You come across as way too intense & if you were my friend I'd keep you at arms length. Your desperation to be a bridesmaid might be more obvious than you realise & your friend has subconsciously picked up the signals.

Truetoself · 15/05/2024 07:13

So your friend doesn't hold you in the same esteem as you hold her. Tough realisation. If you are sure this is the case then all you can do is to lower your expectations. It's only you who is feeling this hurt. You need to stop it hurting and the only way is to detach yourself and lower your expectations

Bestyearever2024 · 15/05/2024 07:09

I'm guessing that your Mum is concerned that at 33 your thought processes are so child like. You definitely need help.

This level of introspection and angst at age 33 about being a bridesmaid is unhealthy

The bride to be has lots of friends. She may or may not have a best friend but its not you.

Have a think about the type of personalities the bride to be might want surrounding her at HER wedding

I'm guessing not someone who will make it all about them?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2024 07:07

Our parents see each other about 3 times a week

It sounds like you are old family friends through your parents, is that right? Who are the two friends that she refers to as ‘sisters’-how does she know them?

The fact she has told you she doesn’t have a best friend suggests she has perhaps been trying to manage expectations a little. Have you told her she is your best friend at some point?