To be so upset to not be chosen as a bridesmaid?

This is the most tenuous link and way to project your own issues onto someone else. The situations are NOTHING the same. If you have no sensible advice for OP, stop projecting your own issues onto others

Your Mum is totally out of order. But the point is you have to decide ifnyou can put this behind you and carry on with the friendship. Or Are you going to let it fester away into the future. Just go forward and don't dwell on this.

OP, you are very dependant if this affect you that badly.
Your mum doesn't think little of you, she just point out some factual information.

Your self esteem is the problem here. Enjoy the wedding and work on yourself.

I know I've probably based too much of my self esteem on my friendships, any advice much appreciated.

I think that you have correctly pinpointed the situation, the truth is that this friend likes you but just doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her, and maybe doesn't need you as much as you need her friendship.

I agree that if she was going to ask you to be bridesmaid she would have done it by now, so I think that ship has sailed.

You need to focus on what you can do for yourself now, things to help you build up your self esteem and feel more confident in yourself. You need to learn to be more self reliant and not depend on the actions of other people to make you feel good. If you become more resilient then the actions of others won't make you feel so down either.

As a timid person myself I do understand that none of this is easy - that's sort of the point. There is a lot of advice out there, so choose something that suits you and set yourself some modest targets, and enjoy your friend's wedding.

I've been on the opposite side of this.

I was asked by two friends and I didn't want to be one. I think one of my friends was offended when I told her I wasn't the best choice to be one.

I have really bad anxiety and I hate standing up in front of other people. I've since found out I am neurodiverse so that's a huge contributor as I get overwhelmed a lot and I wouldn't want to ruin someone's day by it all. Plus I'm overweight and would look hideous next to other bridesmaids haha!

Like the others have said, just go along as guest and be happy for your friend on her special day. I know how it feels to always be the one on the sideline and it does hurt. But she is still a good friend to you and that's what you should concentrate on. Measuring your worth to what other people think of you is a disaster and something a lot of us do. I think as another astute poster mentioned, it seems your mother contributes to your poor self esteem. Has she always made comments like this?

You are worthy and you are unique. Remember that!

Yabu. Shes invited you as a day guest which shows alone show that she thinks a lot of you.

Has your friend definitely confirmed she is having bridesmaids, I have been to 2 weddings recently.

The first one only had flowergirls and no bridesmaids (the oldest flowergirl was about 7) and the second wedding she had neither flowergirls or bridesmaids. Also the second one had only the bride and groom with no other persons involved in the wedding party. Could your friend be going down one of those routes?

I really don't understand WHY you want to be a bridesmaid, the only time I enjoyed it was first time when aged 11 I was my oldest cousin's bridesmaid and my dress was a pretty pink fabric with a pattern which suited me, I was also bought a pretty silver locket (sadly lost years later when the chain broke).
Subsequently I have had to endure pale yellow frothy 1980s thing (just not my colour let alone style), and a funny mauve-y purple very thin material strappy dress on a freezing cold day which again not my colour made me look ill.

Personally I prefer what I choose to wear for a wedding SO much more comfortable! Aside from which I can sit with DH and family, and generally get a good view of the whole wedding, and not have to hang about for photos as much!

Choosing bridesmaids seems to be a bit “political” for lack of a better word for some people.

These are my future SILs, so I will have to ask them. This is my cousin who asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding. This is my other cousin who will be upset if I don´t ask her as well…

Good and dependable friends may not “make the cut” unfortunately.

Your mother´s remarks sound extremely hurtful and harsh. I wouldn´t be surprised if she was a big reason for your lack of self-confidence! Have you ever looked into counselling? Learning to deal with disappointement and rejection is incredibly important. And it may help with your self-esteem as well!

This is such a sad read. I really feel for you. You actually sound quite unwell, none of your reactions would be considered healthy. You seem to have taken a perceived rejection and ran with it to really bring yourself down, and even considered getting your mum to ask which even you know is really bad.

she’s your friend, she clearly likes you. Being a bridesmaid or not doesn’t change that, her wedding isn’t about you, and ultimately neither will her choice of bridesmaids, there will be reasons.

i think you should seek some counselling, to help with your low self esteem, fear of rejection, anxiety etc. it can’t be fun to live like this and with help hopefully you don’t need to.

Not at all. We are still friends - I just know where I sit in the pecking order.

Honestly I felt really disappointed we have been friends since we were babies, we were/are like family so I thought.
She'd have me do things for her because she could only trust me and not her cousins or aunts other family members etc. That close. But then she was probably just using me.

So when the wedding came - I naturally thought I would be included even a minor role of little significance. But she chose other friends I'd never even met before. We ended up not going - I didn't feel good spending that much money on a trip I didn't choose, for someone who didn't value me as much.

Strong hunch it's likely to be a financial decision, nothing to do with hurting you personally.

I had five really good friends from school, part of the same friendship group. I felt I couldn't choose any of them without upsetting the others and I couldn't afford to have five bridesmaids.

So I chose a friend from university and my oldest friend from school who was not part of that group. I thought about having my two cousins but ne had just had a baby and couldn't make it anyway.

I was not chosen to be anyone else's bridesmaid, but I was also the first one to get married and have kids so I think people thought I was a bit busy with small children after that.

I understand it can be hurtful though when someone doesn't consider you quite as good a friend as you thought.

There are a lot of assumptions from both you and your mum. I think it’s best not to dwell on those, as it’s clouding your judgement.

She may not be having any bridesmaids; may just be having children; may have chosen already; may not have.

There’s nothing to be gained by working yourself up at this stage (or indeed any stage). She’s invited you to her wedding be she values your friendship- don’t lose sight of that!

I'm sorry you are hurting but it sounds like she is a good friend but for whatever reason has choosen someone else as her BM.

My sisters friend was really pissed off not to be asked to be a BM and made me as MOH know about it. Going on that it should be her, that she's the best friend. It was embarrassing.

Don't mention it. For what it's worth I've drifted from one of my BMs so doesn't always mean long lasting friendship.

I was giving my take on the situation. None of us know what the deal is.

Your Mum doesn't like conflict but she's happy to tell you that you were ridiculous to even think you might be a bridesmaid?

I'm torn between thinking your Mum has a lot to do with your self esteem issues, or thinking that the friendship is more one sided than you realise, and your Mum is positioned to see this more balanced as she's also friend with the brides family.

Either way, just because the Bride hasn't picked you doesn't have any reflection on whether she thinks you are fun, likeable and interesting. Don't do yourself down! She can think you're lovely and fun and sweet and a great friend, but just has other people that for whatever reason she choose instead. It's sad, and it's a shame, but please don't bail out on an otherwise perfectly good friendship just because of this.

Or maybe she does but just hasn’t decided yet, isn’t having any, is just having children, or is planning to ask OP when she sees her??
you can be close to someone but not ask them to be BM

I think it can be difficult with friends unless you are sort of “official” best friends, you don’t know how it’s seen from the other side. You’re fully committed to her and see her as your best friend but she has lots of people she’s just as close to. Doesn’t mean she likes you any less, she just has a lot of people she close to!

I don’t have a lot of friends (moved around the UK loads) so when I was married I had my cousin as one of my bridesmaids. It was wonderful. She got married last year and I wasn’t a bridesmaid as she had her three oldest school friends. I wasn’t offended and if anything glad I got to enjoy the day without stresses of BM duties!

Also when my brother got engaged (10years ago!) my SIL-to-be did a whole thing where she asked me to be a bridesmaid for her future wedding etc. They got married last year in a surprise ceremony with no wedding party, so no bridesmaid dress for me. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid 😀

Who is on the camping trip? Maybe she intends to ask you all while away? Maybe not.. but I agree with others, attending as a guest is far less stressful! @aenre2or

Sorry you are feeling so hurt.

What I think has happened here is that this situation has shined a spotlight on your relationship with your friend and it isn't what you thought it was. From what you have written, you consider her a close friend but I suspect she does not feel as close to you as you do to her and that really hurts.

Someone I believed was my closest friend, who I'd supported through thick and thin, mad, bad and good times, never asked me to be her bridesmaid and it hurt. It was only due to her elderly aunt (I'd known her for 20 years, so more than a passing friendship) that I felt a part of the day in any way, or I would simply have been sat on a table on my own, as no partner at the time and knew the family very well, but not on their tables or indeed with anyone I knew! I am very resilient and not someone who suffers from a lack of self-esteem, but as the journey to the day was something I'd supported her with (another story!), I thought I was her best friend, but obviously not. I also didn't get asked to be a godparent and I stepped back then and realised that I'm a friend, just not the friend I believed I was from age 11 (25 years to the point of the wedding). It wasn't not being something that hurt, just not being included either. I've always been a friend to have a friend and never had one sided relationships with anyone, but it did show that for some friendships there is a time and a place and mine had gone with the marriage. We still talk a couple of times a year, we share a huge amount of memories, but the marriage was the point our paths went separate ways. Don't take it personally, it is another episode and I wasn't written into the script any longer, so went off to find another. This would be your moment to perhaps do this too.

UANBU
Its fine to feel upset at not being asked, I’ve been in this position before, but my BF had been my maid of honour a few years before, we’d both been through fertility issues together and I considered us extremely close.
I then wasn’t her first borns god parent.. despite this she was god mother a few years later when I finally had DD… and then a couple of years later I wasn’t asked to be her bridesmaid. I was upset about both but she had her 2 sisters and no other friends either so I consoled myself with that.
Maybe your friend isn’t having any adult bridesmaids?? Or is only having relatives as bridesmaids??
I had my BF as both BM & GP and years on I wish I hadn’t as we’ve drifted apart now.. my DD doesn’t even get cards!

If the wedding is next year and she just got engaged 5 weeks ago are you sure these are the actual invites and not just save the date cards?

Honestly being a guest at a friends wedding is much more fun than being a bridesmaid!

But please don't read in to her decision if you aren't chosen, as others have said she will have many reasons and i bet none of them relate to her not valuing you as a friend - i didn't have all my beat friends as mine for a Few reasons, but they all came and had a great time - don't end a Good friendship over your insecurities